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Making friends as an adult – maybe worse than dating.

Christmas Parade with work

Happily married tired middle aged female with three young kids seeking other tired parents not willing to stay out later than 10pm – like, let’s meet for dinner at 5. Kids must also be as crazy as mine and develop pack mentality when with yours as long as they leave us the f*9$ alone. Bonus if candidate is also struggling to keep it together and wants to meet in PJs or sweats. Drinking and fluency in sarcasm a must. Must be okay with cheese balls.

THESE Cheeseballs….

The last time I had ride-or-die friends was back in high school and they adopted me into their group off the side of the metaphorical side of the road as a nobody sitting scared in class. Then, I went to college and met a few casual friends, but none that stuck. As I transitioned through college, vet school, then into my first jobs, I still hadn’t accumulated any forever friends. But I had Tony and figured that was all I needed with all the busyness of studying and classes. Then, I slowly realized I needed a friend. One I could chat with (Tony is TERRIBLE at texting/phone communication), send jokes to, gossip, or even have a sounding board about Tony when he’s annoying me (surprisingly, he didn’t take to that job as well).

Highschool camping trip 2001

I made a few friends along the way, but would move, fall out of touch, I fell for the illusion of having lots of friends with the film crew when I worked with Dr. Pol, but since I’ve moved, have found out most of those were mostly situational friends or people just being overly friendly because they wanted you to behave for their TV show. It was also more challenging than I’d like to admit trying to hang out with 20 somethings after hours as a 30 something with kids. The younguns would want to meet up at a place at, like, 10pm and I would be ready for bed already. Then I had a great bestie I finally met and was ecstatic, but then she moved away, dated my brother, then, when they broke up, we lost contact. Then, I had a friend, who happened to be male, got my dark humor as another doctor and everything was GREAT! Until his girlfriend decided he had to get rid of me or her. So, there I go. No more friends, but time to move on to another place anyway.

Fun with interviews
Love these bunch of goofs
Miss these girls

Hello, Virginia!! Now to look for friends. Here’s the part where dating and making friends are similar and since I haven’t had to make friends OR date since I was 16, I was a bit rusty. If you like someone (as a friend) and think you may enjoy hanging out, but are crippled by the idea of putting yourself out there, what do you do? Most people say start by asking to hang out, but what if I do that and we have nothing to talk about or if whatever I chose to do is lame?? Or what if I have two beers and they think I’m an alcoholic or I have two beers and they think I’m a square?? Or worse, I say square and they’re like “what are you, like 75??”???? Do I just ask for their number like a badass just like “yo, give me your number so we can text and be friends”, or try to think of a reason I might need it to make it sound casual “Hey, can I have your number just in case I get abducted and for some reason have my phone still available to me and can’t remember “911” or anyone else’s number I already have?” – you know, super cashz (casual).

Miss this one too

Then, let’s say you get their number and you start by sending them a meme or something to break the ice. Then they respond with an lol. Do you text again? Will that seem to desperate? What if you text them and they don’t text you back? Is it a for sure rejection? Are they just tolerating you? If you’re texting on a daily basis, are you smothering them or is the affection mutual? What if they already have a ton of friends? Do they even need another friend? What are you bringing to the table?

The vet school crew – these were actually Tony’s workmates that I got to hang out with too

Then, you’re going through all the social rules you’ve learned along the way. “Make sure to talk about them more than you”, “If they’re talking, they’re happy”, “don’t act jealous when you find out they’re declining hanging out because they already have plans with their other friends”, “don’t act desperate or too interested”, whatever your plans for the day, if they invite you for something, drop everything and do it – but make it sound like you had nothing else to do.

Game night with co-workers/film crew

Now, lets add another monkey to the wrench. Let’s say the person you connected with first is also your boss. You tell yourself you’re going to keep your professional and your personal relationship separate, but eventually, problems arise. You may want to just vent about a co-worker, but is that going to get that person in trouble? Will your friend question their management? Will they question if you’re questioning their management? What happens when you have to be reprimanded? How could your friend DO that to you??? You better keep it light and communicate first with a little joke or meme to let them know you’re not crushed – cuz that would be lame of you. If you complain about your personal finances, will your friend/boss take that as a passive aggressive underhanded attack about how much you are paid?

Virginia friends

Let’s face it, we’re probably all a little more socially awkward than we’d like to be. I definitely am – if I get spooked in public (like someone acknowledging my existence, I’ve been known to dump my goods and run out of the store). I LOVE talking to the public in mass, but get me out on my own in public and I’m a squirrel. Therefore, the idea of putting myself out there when I’m comfortable in my own house with my 22 year bestie seems ridiculous sometimes. So, what is it? I guess it’s having someone in the same situation I’m in so we can bounce frustrations or ideas off each other. Tony’s great, but he’s not a woman and doesn’t deal with or even mostly understand the differences women experience in the world. Do I want a mother friend with perfect children? Absolutely not. My children are half feral and it’s nice to be able to gripe about them without getting “well maybe less processed foods” or screens, or telling me what amazingly simple trick worked for them when their children just came out of the womb polite and boring.

Work Buddies

It’s hard moving repeatedly and having to try to integrate yourself with people who have lived in that place for generations and know everyone and have all their friends and social circles already established. But I also think if you seek, you shall find. I have been moving all over the (eastern) country looking for a place that has all I need and people I like to be with. At each stop I have found people I love, but somehow it just wasn’t enough or those people didn’t stick with me. I have truly enjoyed this place in Virginia. It’s got the weather (ALL four seasons!!), the recreational activities, national park, mountains, proximity to a major area (D.C.), and most of all, the people! I love everyone I work with, could go party with any of them, our kids are all growing up together in school, go to each others birthday parties, I’ve found a great church, meet up with a small group from that church, and could not love the preacher any more. And I may have a bestie now too… just don’t tell them or they might think I’m lame.

Virginia is for lovers… and making new beginnings
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The Parenting Tip that kids don’t want you to know

  • Pics from our very indulgent vacation we just got back from…
“G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S!… Oh, the flossy flossy” – Fergie

My children and us were having a conversation last night. We were saying that when they have kids, we will be that child’s grandparent and we will be able to say “you did that when you were a kid” when they complain to us about things. Oscar stated he would be a better parent than us. I said “are we not good parents” to which he replied “yes, but I’ll be better”. I asked what he would do differently and finally, after some coaxing since he knew I was slightly offended, he came up with “I would let them do more things they wanted to”. That’s when I decided to let them in on a little life secret.

These things.

I turned to him and said “I’m going to let you know about a super secret parenting fact that, for some reason, parents don’t usually tell their kids. I love you guys more than ANYTHING in the world and nothing, I mean NOTHING makes be happier than seeing you guys happy. But, as a parent, it’s my job to make sure you guys turn out to be good people and respectable adults. If I were to give you everything you want, which I WANT to, you would expect everyone and the world to treat you the same way. You would be one of those awful people who only think about themselves and are spoiled and get super mad when things don’t go their way. I want you all to be loving, giving, compassionate people and sometimes that means dealing with not getting everything you want. In the real world, you’ll go into a job and be expected to get things done in a timely manner – including getting your shoes on – and if you don’t, you’ll get fired. The other reason is that you are children and I’m an adult with almost 40 years of experience and I know outcomes of some of the things you think you want. I have to keep you protected from hurting yourselves or being unhealthy”

Perhaps a too indulgent breakfast everyday, but on vacation, it was amazing!

Parenting is SO hard and not just because you’re exhausted from being a servant to three little piglets (to a certain age) or trying to wrap your brain around the decisions their little primordial brains make, but mostly trying to decide what you should take care of and what you should not. If parenting were just being a servant to a demanding little idiot, it would be tiring, frustrating, hair pulling, but I think what makes parenting harder on the next level is allowing them to make that decision you would have stopped and letting them learn why it was stupid. A good parent knows that the best way to learn is to experience it yourself, but it’s SO hard to sit there and comfort the tears that you could easily fix, but stop yourself for the lesson learned.

Some lessons are better learned by telling though, not experiencing.

Once, Oscar wanted a watch SOOOOO bad – he picked it out – it was a Pokemon watch (like $10 ) and he loved it! One day he came home crying because he had lost it at school. He had taken it off to wash his hands in the bathroom and left it and when he came back, it was gone. Oscar is my most sensitive child and I love that about him, so watching him cry over this was heart wrenching. All I wanted to do was grab my keys and run out right then and replace it for him. But instead I had to hold him and explain about responsibility and loss while he cried even harder that I wouldn’t get him a new one, ripping my heart in two.

Pandora – Disney

Losing something as small (not in his mind) as a $10 watch that he’d had for a whopping 2 weeks is a much preferred lesson on loss than other things he could and will lose in his life and dealing with loss is a very important lesson in life – processing the emotions and the grief and acceptance, learning lessons from what could have been done differently – slowly builds an emotional maturity ready to better handle the world. Hopefully, now when he’s 30 and his favorite coffee mug breaks, he’ll be sad, but he won’t fall on the floor and think the world has come to an end or worse, scream at his child for knocking off the counter.

Hippo at Disney

So, kids, just know that we are bound by our duty to make you into decent adults and even though we’d love nothing more than to stop your tears with new things and watch your faces light up, we have to make hard decisions about what we can indulge you with and what just needs to be a life lesson. And thanks to this lesson, my kids are very familiar with the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What you Want”

Introducing these adults – starting in 2030
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“I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash”

So, things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows and learning to navigate that can be challenging. Even though my life is pretty damn good, I still have rough patches where I cannot see or appreciate that. Just like a diabetic forgetting insulin and going into a ketoacidotic crisis, a person on certain medications for mental illness skipping doses can cause a different sort of crisis. One night, when I had run out of my antidepressant/anxiety medication the night before, (my fault) I was increasingly irritable, everything set me off and finally I just went to bed because I was in such a dark place all I wanted to do was cry. As I lay in bed, crying and trying to talk myself out of going and getting a knife and opening a vein – mostly for the sanity of my kids not having a mother or having one who took her own life – I started telling myself “I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash” and oddly enough, I actually felt better. I just kept chanting it until my crying stopped and I fell asleep. The next few days, even though I started my drugs back again, every time I felt anxious, upset, not good enough, frustrated with whatever situation, I would just say that to myself and I calmed down. But why?

I posted it on a vet mom’s group and asked why that would make me feel better. I got some good answers, and they may all be correct, but this is what they said:

  1. Maybe it’s because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone that once you step back and acknowledge that you really aren’t that important, it’s almost a relief. Between my kids, my husband, my family, my clients, co-workers, bosses, friends, random social media critics/fans, etc, I try to be all I can be and it sometimes gets me so irritable that they still aren’t happy with me. I think when I can step back and remember that I’m not that important to them, I can take the pressure off of myself for not making them completely happy. Like, if I think about how I go home overwhelmed and upset about an interaction I’ve had with them, then think about how they probably aren’t thinking about me and I haven’t ruined their life, maybe I, too, can forget about it.
  2. I’m telling myself this to reaffirm the inner demon that tells me I’m not good enough. This one is a little darker and may have some truth to it, but normally when I’m diving headlong into a self sabotaging spiral, I feel worse and worse. Repeating the phrase here, though, made me feel better. Like, tears drying, wrenching gut relaxing, better.
  3. Maybe I just have too much self importance. I mean, don’t we all a little? Because you’re you and you live from your point of view, that MUST mean you’re meant for something big. You will have a great affect on the world. God wants you for something spectacular! But maybe I am just nobody. I had a friend once tell me that not everyone can be SOMEONE. Sometimes God just needs fillers or pawns or placeholders or just fluff. Which, definitely, at it’s heart is disheartening. But, at some point, maybe it’s a little bit of a relief to know you maybe don’t have THAT much responsibility in the world. Like, I love just working as an employee, especially when I see what my employers have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I’m okay with being nobody, nothing. (Okay, “trash” MAY be taking it too far and feeding my demons)

So, in conclusion: DON’T SKIP YOUR MEDS (check now to make sure you’re not about to run out). And maybe it’s okay to take some pressure off yourself. I know we all feel like we have to be the best at our job, the best looking companion for your spouse, the best and most devoted parent, on top of brushing your dog or cat’s teeth, keeping your house spotless and your kids bathed more than once weekly (who me?), and to ALWAYS treat others with patience and grace. But, one day, our gravesites (if you’ll have one) will be just some words on a stone and no one will know who you are or were (unless you were someone SUPER special) or whether you were nice to that one person that one day when you were exhausted and bitter. Forgive yourself, you’re really not anyone special (and that’s okay).

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“It’s Time to Move On”

“It’s time to keep going. What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing…” This was the song that came on when I was at my lowest and contemplating driving my jeep off a bridge on the way to an emergency. Tom Petty spoke to me and he was right. It IS time. Where will I go? What will I do? What if it’s not better there? I have no idea, but it’s not working here.

Felt like my babies were just growing without me – pic taken by Tony while I was at work

Tony and I have moved all over. We moved from our home town in middle Georgia to Athens, GA for college, then to South Carolina for a job, then to Michigan for a job, and finally to Virginia for our, hopefully, forever home. Everywhere we have been, we have run into people who are not happy where they are. Whether it’s just in their job, or their entire geography. We, having been able to just pick up and move (okay, it was NOT that easy), could not understand why people would subject themselves to misery just because that’s where they were. I guess it’s just like the physics law “an object at rest will stay at rest”. Change is hard.

Feeling “caged”?

***Disclaimer*** To be completely fair and honest, I have a few advantages to being able to just get up and walk out of a situation. 1. I am financially stable. I certainly wasn’t always, but I have the privilege of having a loving and willing family to back me if things get hard or bad. 2. I have a mentality that when I decide something, it’s done. I was able to go for one interview in Michigan and find a house in the same 2 days. When I’m done with a relationship, I’m done. When I want to buy something, I drive up to a different town and come home with a new car. Done. 3. My family, though loving and supportive, are scattered throughout the country. I don’t have a home base anymore. And, 4, finally, I have faith that things will work out and that if they don’t, I will just get up and move again and it will eventually all work out. People ARE happy in some jobs. There ARE good bosses. There are good places to live where you can have fun and afford it. You just have to look.

North Manitou island – just need a camping permit and pay for the ferry to get there! That’s me Jumping.

Part I Job woes

I think my number 1 piece of advice for anyone with any job is to make yourself irreplaceable. Don’t just drag your feet and survive the hours doing what needs to be done to get a paycheck, make yourself valuable to the company. Do the jobs no one else there wants to do, take over tasks that don’t have an overseer, go above and beyond to increase efficiency, bring in the costumers, or revenue, basically, make it so that if you left, it would hurt the company in the pocketbook (the only vision most have), and they wouldn’t be able to just hire another body to replace yours.

Best lab vet – look at this rat I grew!!

Now that you have made yourself vital to the company, make them know it. Ask for a raise? Want to make changes in the workplace? Different hours? First, ASK. You know the best way to not get what you want? Don’t ask. Surprise! Your employee isn’t even about to offer you something without your asking. They may give general raises across the board for inflation and such, but they’re not going to just offer you a portion of their money without your pointing out that you do a lot for the company and bring in a lot of money and deserve an increase in pay to keep you there and working as hard as you can. Second, ask while reminding them or pointing out HOW it is you are helping their company. Point out all the ways you’ve made yourself valuable and vital to the workplace then set your requirements. A very helpful person once told me “the ‘company’ doesn’t care about YOUR issues. Rent went up? Putting a child in daycare? Not their problem. You need to make them know why you are valuable to THEM”. If you’re not getting what you want or need, be prepared to go look for other jobs. Don’t stay at a job where you’ve been paid $12/hr for 15 years just because the boss says he “can’t” give you a raise. With your dedication (staying at a place for 15 years) and experience, you can find a better place. Just look.

Part II Life is short!

Yes, I know, cliché. Wait until you read part III. But seriously. Every place Tony and I have lived, we have run into people who are absolutely miserable in their current situation/location. Having been able to just get up and leave makes us wonder why those people just stuck it out. You only live so long. One day, when you’re unable to get around anymore and are stuck where you are and have always been, you may ask yourself, “why didn’t I just try to get out?”. When we lived in Georgia, we heard about how terrible the heat is 9 months of the year, when in Michigan, the cold and cloudiness 9 months of the year, how people hated the snow, etc. Go see the world, or at least the country. Try a completely different climate, environment. I bet there’s a job out there in that state just as much as there is in your own.

You don’t have to commit your life to that area either. Do a 2-5 year plan for yourself. Go live somewhere else, leave your extended family, but know that you will return if it doesn’t work out. Family can travel. This isn’t the days when it took a week to travel across the state in a stage coach. There are airplanes now and good roads and reliable vehicles. I have made a number of cross country drives with three young kids just to see family. It can be done.

Travel with three kids is a migraine headache but then you’re there and it’s all worth it

***Side note*** Fly or drive? For us, with three small children, if the drive takes as much time or just slightly more than the ENTIRE affair of the airport shenanigans, we will drive and save the money. For instance, driving to Georgia from Michigan took 13 hours. We lived 3 hours from the airport that got the cheapest flights (family of 5, you’re still looking at $1500). So, 3 hours to the airport, have to get there 2 hours before your flight, then the flight is 2 hours or something, then you have to go rent a car, 1-2 hours to de-plane and get to the rental car, then another 2 hour drive from there to destination, all while border collie-ing three rambunctious feral kids around, dealing with the glares from other passengers. You’re looking at an 11 hour day. Or you can just strap everyone down in the car, forget having to herd rabid cats, put on some noise cancelling headphones (just kidding) add an extra 2 hours and save $1500.

Wheel barrow – not the most efficient form of travel

Part III You gotta have faith

You have to BELIEVE that it will all work out and that even if it doesn’t, you will be okay. I had no intention of ever moving to Michigan – like, that state never even made it on my peripheral radar of places to even visit – like, EVER. But, I sent my resume to Pol Veterinary Services as an almost favor to a friend who loved the show. I had prayed to God for an answer and the next day, Dr. Pol called me on my way home from visiting family in Colorado. I took it as a sign and had faith it would work out. And it did! Am I still there, no, but I had a great time and being on TV set me up for financial stability that I may have never achieved on my own with a veterinary salary. When I decided I had had enough time with Dr. Pol, I took another leap of faith, Tony and I picked Virginia for it’s geography (not 9 months of stifling heat like Georgia, not 9 months of dark depressing cold like Michigan, mountains and on the coast), scattered my resume around a few clinics in Virginia, booked a family trip to go do all the interviews in a weekend, then landed my current job.

I’m not saying it will be all yellow brick roads and that I was confident and secure in every decision that was presented. I pined and pined for over a year whether or not to leave Dr. Pol asking all my friends and family, who all had different opinions. There were many sleepless nights and stress-induced migraines with trying to plan out massive moves, checking all the boxes, dotting i’s and crossing t’s, etc. But once you trudge through that part (as long as it might take) you get to sit on your proverbial front porch in the mountains, sip coffee as you watch the sunrise and wonder what you were ever so worried about. There are still some boxes that haven’t been checked. We still own three houses. One from Georgia that is currently being rented to own, and the Michigan house never sold either – also being rented to own.

There’s a path, wait, is that a path? Does it end in thorns? Off the edge of a cliff? Or the visitors’ center?

It is HARD to even allow yourself to start to think about the mountain of things that will be affected by your move. Friends, family, jobs, schools, stores (miss you Mejier!!), banks, church, people, activities, clubs, etc. What if I move to a whole new state and I don’t make any friends? What if I don’t like the people there? What if the work situation is worse when I get there? At least at my current workplace I know the horrors and how to deal with them, what if there are new horrors I can’t deal with? I like visiting the mountains, but what if living there makes me feel claustrophobic? What if I get sick of sand living at the beach?

Sooo many questions

Guess what? If you don’t like it, go back or go somewhere else that you think you’d like to try. At least you’ll know you tried. I was 100% sure I wanted to work in the horse racing industry until I worked there for a few externships and saw it through normal colored glasses and knew it wasn’t for me. If I hadn’t at least tried, I would always think I had missed a great opportunity, maybe even have resented my family for it. But now I know that wasn’t the right path for me.

Orion when he was a yearling – will he be crazy? What if he kills me when I’m breaking him?

There are so many what-ifs, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know. You can’t achieve more in life without reaching for more. Don’t just accept your situation and resign yourself to dealing with misery and unhappiness just because you have a few stakes in the ground – or all of them if you’ve never lived or done anything else. I hope this blog pushes at least someone to try something they’ve always wanted. I hope it brings that person pure joy and happiness and makes people realize that you aren’t stuck in your situation, you just have to be willing to make some sacrifices and like George Michael and, later, Korn said “You Gotta have Faith”

Orion “broken” and easy to ride. He WAS crazy, but he didn’t kill me and you know what they say…
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A Kid’s Eye View

It has been an absolute blast (among the eyeball scratching and hair pulling times) raising my three kids and listening to the crazy and insane ideas that come out of their minds as they struggle to grasp what life is all about and how they will manage it as they get older. I have been trying to get some basic ideas about living and adult responsibility in their lives to help prepare them for more intensive lessons and conversations later in life. Some of the questions and answers they give me (and some random, unprovoked comments) make all the frustrations totally (well, mostly) worth it.

Body autonomy – Since sending my kids to daycare or putting them in other people’s care and since they could understand English, I’ve been trying to teach them body autonomy – that they are in control of their own bodies and they decide when and when not to be touched. Obviously, the intent was to make sure they are aware that even if an adult tries to touch them and makes them feel uncomfortable, that they can say “no” and it’s okay. We don’t even force hugs or kisses from us if they don’t want them.

The other night, I was trying to get all three kids bathed in the 30 minutes we had to bathe them, feed them, and then get them to bed after soccer practice. Luckily, we have two bathrooms, but, of course, THAT particular night, they all decided they wanted to take their own baths and not share (we would typically have the two boys share a bath to move things along). The two older ones are mostly reliable for properly washing themselves, but Calvin, at 4, still hates to get his head wet – like he does the whole, jump up, jog in place while screaming and trying to bat the water away. This night was no different and when I rushed in there to change out the boys for baths, I saw that, as expected, Calvin didn’t have a wick of moisture on his head. So, I walk over, frustrated, grab the cup, douse him with water, absorb the following tantrum, get soap, wrestle this wart hog until his whole head and face have been washed all while he is screaming and then says “MOMMY! I said ‘NO’!! Don’t you KNOW what NO MEANS?!?!?” **

**Granted, this is also the child who will find moments like when he’s getting into trouble to look me in the eyes and grab my breast, smile and say “I touched your boob”

Mortgage – The kids were asking us about money one time and about why we have to work. We told them that we have to make money to pay for living – our house, food, electricity, etc. Kids: “What do you mean, you have to pay for the house?? We already own it.” This produced good laughs from Tony and me. We explained that houses are too expensive to buy and that most people have to borrow money from a bank to buy a house and slowly pay the bank back over time. This completely blew their minds. India asked “Well, there are so many houses, why don’t you just go take one that no one owns?” Oscar came up with “So, when we turn 18 and have to move out of the house (this is something we have convinced them of), we don’t just get our first house for free??” No, you don’t, silly, they’re too expensive and you’ll likely have to rent for awhile. Oscar “But why are houses so expensive? They’re just like walls and a roof and stuff” – It’s the “and stuff”

Working for wages – We have been trying to get the kids to help out a little around the house – as much as can be expected from a 9, 7, and 4 year-old. We offer small amounts of money in exchange for doing jobs around the house like unloading the dishwasher or cutting the grass. Depending on the level of difficulty, we pay $1-5 per chore. I was busy one day doing all the normal chores that I do just to keep the household going while Oscar was begging me to buy something for him that he found on Amazon. I told him HE could buy it but he said he couldn’t afford it. I offered him the opportunity to clean the kitchen with the enticing offer of $5 to start to save up for said toy. He reluctantly started unloading the dishwasher, upset and said “It’s not FAIR!! You guys don’t have to do chores to get money!” Hahahahaha – no, we get to do chores for free, but we do have to work for our money.

Going to school – Calvin got to start pre-K this year and he was SO excited. He can’t wait to get to go to the same daycare and school as India and Oscar, but pre-K was the first step. He talked about pre-K for a minimum of 6 months before it started. He knew who his teacher was going to be, he loved her, he wanted to pack his backpack and his lunch and just ABSOLUTELY could not wait for all the magic and glory that pre-K was sure to be. The first morning we had to get them all up for school, it was 6am and I went to wake him up, he grumbled his adorable tiny person grumble, then I told him it was the first day of pre-K and he bolted upright in bed, a huge smile spread across his face and then he leapt out of bed, ready to start his day! The next week, Monday morning, we went in to wake him up, he grumbled, we reminded him that he gets to go to pre-K, bracing ourselves for his burst of excitement, only to hear his tiny muffled voice, buried in blankets and pillows “No, mommy, I’ve already been.” Me: “Oh, sweetie, this is just the beginning!”

How babies are made – Since I knew I wanted children, I was determined to make sure they know how babies are made and not dance around it too much. Obviously when they’re very small, we just said stuff like “You came from mommy’s belly” and that was acceptable. Later it progressed to “Well, how did you get me out?” – “Well, you came out of my vagina” to India and “The doctor cut you out of my belly” for Oscar (footling breach) and Calvin (after hours – no VBAC). Inevitably, the questions got more detailed as they got older. Oscar was convinced that girls came from the vagina and boys from the belly. India finally got to the question I was both looking forward to and dreading. What if I told her how sex works and she thinks she should try it at her age?? I wanted to keep my girl innocent at the same time, make sure she was fully aware of the meaning of sex from the beginning so she wouldn’t be caught by surprise or taken advantage of (cause knowledge is power)

So, armed with the tiny bit of amusement I get from telling someone that the bump next to their dog’s penis that they keep touching to show me is, in fact, his erection and watching the horror on their faces, I told India how the man gets his “seed” which I now changed to “sperm” into the uterus. Upon telling her the exact mechanics of how fertilization happens, she had a horrified, disgusted look on her face. “Ewww, mommy!” Then, a touch of realization entered her face. “Wait, is that what you and daddy had to do make us?!” “Yes” Mouth agape – “Was it GROSS??”

A little while later, all three kids were gathered and the topic came up again. This time, Oscar decided was the one to ask the hard question. “Mommy, how does the man get the ‘seed’ into the woman?” Up pops India, in a heroic effort to protect the innocence of her younger brothers, but also, more likely to keep her own ears from hearing it again, she screams “You do NOT want to know!!!”

The cost of life: Last weekend, India had her first sleepover with her friend coming to our house. We had pizza, I made brownies and some weird unicorn milk shake thing, they stayed up until 4 and had a blast. The next day, her friend wanted her to come over there and Oscar begged and begged to spend the night with his friend. I finally pulled some strings and had Oscar spending the night and also had Calvin staying with his grandma. Then, we stopped at a grocery store to get the team snacks and drinks for Oscar’s soccer game we were going to. You would think we would just have a bunch of happy kids, dancing and singing us praises in the backseat. You would be wrong. Tony went into the store to get the snacks, while I sat there and refereed whiny kids who kept saying things like “it’s not FAIR” until mommy lost her mind.

When Tony got back to the car and noticed the somber atmosphere he entered, he asked what happened. I said, “oh, I was just sick of hearing them talk about how unfair life is when they are ALL getting exactly what they wanted, so I told them about orphans and how babies are given away at birth and they don’t even have a family to love them.”

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“The Meaning of life” – my interpretation

Everyone has their own interpretation of “The meaning of Life” some say it’s to enjoy life, some say that we’re all just play pieces on God’s chess board, some even say there is NOT a meaning to life and that it is all random because there is no God. My interpretation of the meaning of life works out for those who believe in God and those who do not and just requires that you care for someone other than yourself.

For me, the meaning is to make the world a beautiful place, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And I strive to pour everything I can into the world to help it be a better place. Some days are certainly harder than others and sometimes I just need to focus on me to replenish my ability to give so that I don’t become bitter and unwilling to beautify the world in the future.

My painting is actually depicting how I sometimes feel; giving everything I can to make people happy and help to plant seeds of fairness or humanity, but that sometimes it feels like it’s just draining my soul. The world is a tough place. Sometimes, it’s hard to accept the way people are and that they will likely never change. But you never know if you have influenced that person or not and if you just keep pouring love and beauty into the people and world around you, you have no idea what that might produce in the future – how people will treat each other down the road because of the way you treated them and how that can produce beautiful fruits and flowers – even if you may never even be aware of them.

Keep being beautiful and watch the world blossom – even if it’s from heaven.

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Exercise schmexercise!

Every time I go for a run, I think about how much I would love to help other people also enjoy exercise. So, I decided to write a blog about it. This may be one of my most boring posts, but I thought maybe I could inspire others to just get out there and move. First off, exercise has NEVER helped me with weight loss. Like, even when I was biking 30 miles a day, I still could NOT lose weight. It has definitely helped to increase my tone and joint health, but the best thing about exercise for me is the psychological benefits.

The theory behind exercise in weight loss, as I understand it, is not that you burn the calories and then have a calorie deficit, allowing you to lose weight. If anything, when I exercise, I become ravenous and definitely eat the calories I had just burned under the idea that “Hey, I exercised, now I can eat whatever I want” because, remember, an hour on the treadmill (like, a frickin’ lifetime) is only a candy bar’s worth of calories. No, the theory is that you change the metabolism of your body. You are starting to change your body, waking it up and making it work. Did you know that your skeleton is constantly breaking itself down and rebuilding? This also happens to your muscles and joints. When you go out and stress your body physically, you are doing minor but all over “damage”, stressing the bones and muscles. The body immediately begins to rebuild the damage done and your bones can even reshape themselves to better be able to deal the the type of stress you are putting on them. This kicks your body into a catabolic (burning calories) reconstruction phase. Like remodeling your bathroom starts with small changes like picking the dirty towels off the floor. You can’t expect to start with the sledge hammers.

Exercise will help your joints in the long run as well. I tell this to some of my orthopedic patients as well. Joints are responsible for allowing motion in your limbs, but they don’t have to do all of the work. My joints are very weak and the connective tissue is stretchy and easily fails me. This works out for rolling my ankle on the trail as I can just continue on my run with just a sore outer calf muscle for a couple of days, but it can also be detrimental. My joints are not tight, when I make motions, they don’t move just as they are supposed to; they wobble a little and over a long period, this can cause inflammation and pain. I had a doctor tell me to work on the muscles around the weak joints to help with pain. So, building up a thick muscular support system around your joints allows your body to obtain the stability without relying on the joints alone.

For me, anyway, just knowing how the exercise is affecting my body and the mechanics and theory behind it all helps me to design a workout regimen that suits my particular body. Doing a once weekly weight routine (though gut wrenching because I HATE it) actually improves my running and other activities more than I would have thought.

When you decide to start an exercise program, don’t expect to move mountains in your first week. Get your body into a state where you won’t injure yourself. Start with a brisk walk or light jog. Best if you are slightly sore that night, but not right after you’re done. Do this for a couple of weeks before you really start with exercise. If you start off fast and injure yourself, you have not only NOT helped yourself, but you have hurt your long term mobility. This is especially true as you get older. When you’re 18, sure, go out and cold turkey a 3 mile run, no problem, but when you’re mid 30s or older, your body is going to need an introduction first.

The biggest thing about keeping up with an exercise routine, as my dad told me once, is just to find what you can do, what you enjoy, and just do it. If you like running, run, if you like dancing, dance. If you don’t have time for a set aside exercise time, blast some party music and work up a sweat doing the chores that need to be done. Don’t judge yourself against others who choose to do other forms of workouts. I like to trail run by myself so that I can run when I want, and then walk or sprint when I want and don’t have to worry about if I’m keeping someone else back or pushing them too hard. I don’t like training for races. I like just keeping to myself and going at my pace. Others, however, can only get motivated with friends or by competing and that’s fine.

But the very best benefit I’ve found with exercise is the mental health benefits. Believe me, almost nothing the world has to offer will bother you so bad when you’re struggling to catch your breath. But even after you’ve attempted to kill yourself with bursts of wind busting sprints (or whatever) and you’re cooling down, you will (at least most people report) get a euphoric feeling. Yes, you will be dog tired if you did it right, but you will feel accomplished. Somehow that ragged, soaking in sweat, tremoring in exhaustion will feel amazing because you did it! And some experts report endorphin release upon completion of exercise. Personally, I know that I can much better manage my depression and anxiety if I stay on top of my exercise regimen. When I’m really struggling with life my doctor will ask if I have been keeping up with exercise because he knows that I need it to stay within the realm of sanity.

In case anyone is interested, my exercise schedule on my BEST weeks is to run Monday, Thursday, Friday/Saturday, weights on Tuesday. Spring and summer may vary as gardening is a huge physical workout (think “Buns of Steel – Mulching in the Mountains”). My runs consist of a 1 mile jog (10min/mile), then off and on sprint/walk – sprint/fast run until I can’t breathe, walk until breathing is controlled, but not completely recovered, then sprint/walk for another 1-2 miles, then back to a slow or extended jog for the last mile, walking when about to die. My weight routine is just this video repeated three times and then jump rope 100x front, 100x backwards, 75x front, 75x back, 50x front, 50x back, 25x front, 25x back, walking between sets until I catch my breath.

For me, music is super important, but for people like my dad, it’s just distracting. I have Pandora streaming with fast paced, dance and rock genres. And another plug for Jukebox the Ghost – about 95% of their songs are good for exercising.

Now enjoy my embarrassing basement public display of attention =)

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Movie Magic – Life on a Reality TV Show

I know Tony has done a post about working with the film crew, but I was just remembering some fun antics and thought you guys might want to read a little about what it was like to work on a reality show.

The film crew was fantastic! They loved their jobs, loved the long term nature of the show (most of their life had been going from one gig to the next), and loved working on a “real” reality show. I got to hear stories of some of them working for other shows where it was encouraged to set up disagreements or fights to get more viewership. Despite the long-term nature of the show, however, it still seemed as though we would make friends with them, then they would be let go and new ones would be hired. That was not my business, but still sad to see good friends go.

How did they get shots of the doctors driving? Sometimes the cameras fell off on the highway, but they got pretty inventive with how to get shots.

One bit of “movie magic” was the episode that was supposed to be my first day on the job. This was certainly NOT my first day, it was just a day they picked a few weeks into my employment to pretend that it was the first day. I had to pull into the parking lot several times, get out of my car and walk to the clinic a few times, all while clients were there, wondering what on earth I was doing. It was, frankly, embarrassing, but the best part was when I was introduced to the office and Charles greets me to show me around. The first clip done, he comes up to me, all excited acting and says “alright, so just go ahead and take off all of your clothes and I’ll show you around.” We had to re-shoot that one after all of us fell out laughing.

Early on, they got an idea to make a character out of me. They tried at first to get me to fully embrace my southern roots and the producer, Jon, asked me if I could say things with more of a southern drawl and more stereotypically southern phrasing like “I was happier than a pig in shit!” I flatly said no. I understood the risks that were going to come with putting my professional skills on national television to be assessed and critiqued by vets all over the world, I was not about to make a caricature of myself.

Bunch of characters here. Murder mystery night

When they found out I was pregnant shortly after I arrived, they decided to make it their center of every thing that I did. I would do a case and get asked the question “Are you afraid this could hurt your pregnancy” or “Weren’t you worried about your baby while doing this”? I was very patient (I think) for a very long time, but after becoming more friends with them, having a late night emergency with them involving maggots, and getting the ridiculous question asked for the 97th time that day “Are you afraid that the maggots are going to affect you or the baby and why?” My smart-ellic side came out and I got very quiet and serious, looked dead into the camera and said “yes, actually, there’s a condition where the maggots will burrow in through your belly button and infect the baby, which then pupates and eventually bursts from your abdomen and eats everyone”. The field producer just said “Cut” and we were done. I apologized for my antics, but he said that he was also tired of the questions from DC (headquarters).

When two sound guys talk, is there an echo?

One thing you will get tired of with cameras following you around all the time is definitely cameras following you around all the time. It was one thing when they were there for the cases you were seeing, but sometimes, you just wanted to research a case in a book or online or even just stare into space without having to worry about being filmed. One of the times I rebelled against the cameraman filming me do EVERYTHING ended up being a pretty good clip. I was hungry and trying to eat without having to worry about smacking or crumbs on my face in front of national TV, but Mikus, a very good friend, but also stuck to a camera would not leave me alone, so I intentionally went over, grabbed an obscenely large handful of animal crackers and ate them as sloppily and ridiculously as I could. I don’t actually think Dr. Pol was there watching, I’m pretty sure that was just an edited-in clip.

They’re ALWAYS there. This is Zach, not Mikus

Everyone had to be mic’ed (microphone attached to them) before a scene could begin. Sometimes, if I arrived too early to an emergency or a farm call, the crew would ask me to wait in the driveway so they could get to the client and get a microphone on them before I arrived or you wouldn’t be able to hear what was said. This always gets me in reality shows when they are going to “surprise” someone, but when they get there, the surprised person is already Mic’ed up and ready to go.

There were also numerous… upon NUMEROUS times where I was asked to re-enter a room or driveway so they could get different angles, or get the jeep going through a large puddle just so. The best was when it was after a farm call and doing multiple shots of the same scene was keeping me from returning to work. The worst were when I entered a room and gave bad news but the crew wasn’t ready for it and asked me to give bad news again – to real people about real medical issues with their pets.

There’s Mikus – the bald guy behind the camera. What the hospitalized animal sees when we check on it in the morning – with a tad bit of flare for this picture.

The interviews you see with the doctor on a chair with a barn scene background were all filmed in the garage at the clinic with a projector putting up the image that you see behind us. This was the time that the field producers would ask us questions about the cases they shot with us. There would be a multitude of cases all piled up on one day for us to remember. They would be like “you remember Buddy, the beagle?” No. Then, they would have to show me the transcript of what was done and said, sometimes weeks before the interview. Sometimes I would be like “Oh, yeah, of course I remember Buddy!” and sometimes we would go over the entire transcript and I would just say “Whatever, it was a pyoderma, I’ll just answer general questions about pyoderma”. It was interesting though, the producers definitely wanted a certain answer from you and so they would word questions to get you to answer like they wanted. It was a dance; sometimes we were in sync, sometimes I just said “just tell me what you want me to say!” when I was really tired.

Working on a TV show has certainly changed by perception of watching any “reality” show. Now, Tony and I will watch one and chide back and forth about what questions the producers asked to get that specific answer from a character or how they may have trimmed the clip to make it look like someone was angry with someone else when maybe they were just bored and sighed, but the clip was then inserted as a reaction to someone else.

Producer: Jon Schroder, Husband: Tony Thomas, Sound guy: Andy Schindeldecker (sp?)

Overall, I had a blast working with the film crew. I got to know most of them and even became good friends with some of them. They came from all over and had all different stories. Some were local, some were from Los Angeles, or even the Virgin Islands. Some were party happy in their early 20s, some were older family men. Some were a shoulder to cry on or an ear to complain to, some took me under their wing and helped me along. All of them were fantastic people and I miss them dearly and hope nothing but the best for every single one of them.

*** Disclaimer – all the medical things you see on the show were real – patients, clients, problems. ***

Interview at my barn

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Everything in moderation

***Disclaimer: photos were added 100% willy nilly and have nothing to do with the post other than to add pictures***

I was recently at our Church small group meeting and the topic was, I don’t know, something like living by example and “witnessing” in the mundane – being an example in everyday life. Anyway, we got onto the age-old discussion of whether it’s better to surround yourself with non-believers or believers. I’ll go over the discussed points with both and then talk about the benefits of including both.

Argument 1: Stay away from the “bad” crowd: The theory behind this one is obvious, but a very good point. If you want to grow better as a person, it is better to have people around you who are like you or even what you perceive as better than you.

  • Social situations: If you hang out with negative people who like to cause drama, you will begin to, also, look for drama to start to fit in. In the same, but opposing manner, if you were to hang out with people who really enjoy raising people up and helping and being supportive, you are more likely to integrate THAT into your own life.
  • Habits: If you hang out with alcohol or drug abusers, you are much more likely to partake yourself and possibly fall into a metaphorical hole. On the other hand, if you hang out with people training for marathons or are crazy into health and fitness, you are more likely to curb your life to include those or similar activities.
  • Spiritually: If you only hang out with people who strongly believe there is not a God or only harshly criticize those who do, you will start to feel as though you cannot believe in God for fear of being looked down upon. If, on the other hand, you hang out with people who seem more in touch with God or have more knowledge of religious texts, you are more likely to grow there as well.

Argument 2: Surround yourself with “non-believers” to better influence them to become better people is the other side of the argument, because how can you make the world a better place if you only talk badly about the “bad” people and surround yourself with like-minded people?

  • Social situations: If you hang out with people who are inherently negative and only see the worst in people or a situation, but you are able to enlighten them on another perspective, you may be able to slowly transition them to seeing things in a better light. Example: Car goes screaming past you driving, Negative Nancy says: “what a jerk, I hope he gets caught by the police.” You say “well, maybe his wife is in labor and he’s trying to get to the hospital”. Ms. Nancy, then, of course makes fun of you, you both laugh and move on. Try this in work situations when everyone is gossiping about another co-worker – try suggesting something no one may have thought of that could be the root of the problem so that the one person doesn’t have ALL the blame on them (unless, of course, they deserve it =)
  • Habits: This one is harder. I would love to say that just not being an alcoholic with a few inspirational words would be a positive influence on an alcoholic or drug abuser, but once they’ve reached that point, they need professional assistance – this does not mean you should leave them in the “gutter”. Ideally, you can inspire someone BEFORE they become a full fledged substance abuser. Hang out with them, drink with them, but cut out at a responsible level. If you keep drinking, socially, others will feel the need to keep up.
  • Spiritually: The basic idea with this theory is that if you surround yourself with non-believers, you could positively influence them and perhaps help them become a believer. You would be the metaphorical light house for ships on the sea. If you make friends and find out they are not believers, or even hate people who are, don’t write them off. Let them know that you are a believer and leave it at that for awhile. If you can let them know how you feel without pushing the issue, they will ideally begin to see that not all believers are crazy and may eventually become more curious, but if not, you can still be that positive influence on their opinion of people. Coming from a person who knew of Jesus growing up, but didn’t attend church and had every kid in the school in middle Georgia aimed at saving my soul, I can tell you the worst thing you can do when you find someone like me (as I was) is start the old and rehearsed rhetoric the churches shove down your throat to “witness” to others. Be a cool person, but be a cool person who has made it known that you are a believer.

So, really, both arguments make sense. But they also have their inherent flaws. If you only surround yourself with like-minded people, you cannot grow as a person, and unless you are convinced that you are perfect in every way, there is always some growth to be doing. Even if your are hanging out with people whom you deem “needing your help”, you’d be surprised by what they can teach you. Learning perspective can sometimes be the best growth you can do. People who have claimed “I would never make that life decision” get to know people who didn’t have a choice, or did it with the ultimate courage and make you revisit your perception of people who have made different choices than you have.

If you surround yourself with only people you feel needs your help, you are trying to set sail across the Pacific in a dingy. There’s also the very real fear that you will, in fact, fall to their ways and NOT grow as a person. An alcohol abuser friends with another alcohol abuser = no growth. An alcohol abuser friends with a clean person intentionally trying to change the abuser = not friends very long (OR shining success! – but not likely). Sometimes, people who need help just need someone to lean on while they try to get up.

In reality, at least in the way I feel, you should do a little of both. Hence the “moderation” in the title. You should absolutely find people whom you deem equal or superior to yourself in whatever aspect you need to grow. Whether it’s social, behavioral, spiritual, or even professionally. You should also have friends that do not fit into that cute little package – ones that are fun to be with, but test your limits and in your friendship, you even each other out.

With all being fair, and in the reality of life, you obviously will not be able to just go and select friends that match this picture. So, make friends, love them, learn from them, teach them and if you feel out of balance, join a group that would help you get a little more balanced. I, for one, am not a hugely religious person. I attend church and believe in God most days, but find my best company in the similarly damaged/awkward crowd, so I joined a small group in the church that I attend. This tends to keep me looking in the right direction and thinking about ways to refocus and become a better person while hearing the struggles of others feeling the same way as me.