***Disclaimer: photos were added 100% willy nilly and have nothing to do with the post other than to add pictures***
I was recently at our Church small group meeting and the topic was, I don’t know, something like living by example and “witnessing” in the mundane – being an example in everyday life. Anyway, we got onto the age-old discussion of whether it’s better to surround yourself with non-believers or believers. I’ll go over the discussed points with both and then talk about the benefits of including both.
Argument 1: Stay away from the “bad” crowd: The theory behind this one is obvious, but a very good point. If you want to grow better as a person, it is better to have people around you who are like you or even what you perceive as better than you.
- Social situations: If you hang out with negative people who like to cause drama, you will begin to, also, look for drama to start to fit in. In the same, but opposing manner, if you were to hang out with people who really enjoy raising people up and helping and being supportive, you are more likely to integrate THAT into your own life.
- Habits: If you hang out with alcohol or drug abusers, you are much more likely to partake yourself and possibly fall into a metaphorical hole. On the other hand, if you hang out with people training for marathons or are crazy into health and fitness, you are more likely to curb your life to include those or similar activities.
- Spiritually: If you only hang out with people who strongly believe there is not a God or only harshly criticize those who do, you will start to feel as though you cannot believe in God for fear of being looked down upon. If, on the other hand, you hang out with people who seem more in touch with God or have more knowledge of religious texts, you are more likely to grow there as well.
Argument 2: Surround yourself with “non-believers” to better influence them to become better people is the other side of the argument, because how can you make the world a better place if you only talk badly about the “bad” people and surround yourself with like-minded people?
- Social situations: If you hang out with people who are inherently negative and only see the worst in people or a situation, but you are able to enlighten them on another perspective, you may be able to slowly transition them to seeing things in a better light. Example: Car goes screaming past you driving, Negative Nancy says: “what a jerk, I hope he gets caught by the police.” You say “well, maybe his wife is in labor and he’s trying to get to the hospital”. Ms. Nancy, then, of course makes fun of you, you both laugh and move on. Try this in work situations when everyone is gossiping about another co-worker – try suggesting something no one may have thought of that could be the root of the problem so that the one person doesn’t have ALL the blame on them (unless, of course, they deserve it =)
- Habits: This one is harder. I would love to say that just not being an alcoholic with a few inspirational words would be a positive influence on an alcoholic or drug abuser, but once they’ve reached that point, they need professional assistance – this does not mean you should leave them in the “gutter”. Ideally, you can inspire someone BEFORE they become a full fledged substance abuser. Hang out with them, drink with them, but cut out at a responsible level. If you keep drinking, socially, others will feel the need to keep up.
- Spiritually: The basic idea with this theory is that if you surround yourself with non-believers, you could positively influence them and perhaps help them become a believer. You would be the metaphorical light house for ships on the sea. If you make friends and find out they are not believers, or even hate people who are, don’t write them off. Let them know that you are a believer and leave it at that for awhile. If you can let them know how you feel without pushing the issue, they will ideally begin to see that not all believers are crazy and may eventually become more curious, but if not, you can still be that positive influence on their opinion of people. Coming from a person who knew of Jesus growing up, but didn’t attend church and had every kid in the school in middle Georgia aimed at saving my soul, I can tell you the worst thing you can do when you find someone like me (as I was) is start the old and rehearsed rhetoric the churches shove down your throat to “witness” to others. Be a cool person, but be a cool person who has made it known that you are a believer.
So, really, both arguments make sense. But they also have their inherent flaws. If you only surround yourself with like-minded people, you cannot grow as a person, and unless you are convinced that you are perfect in every way, there is always some growth to be doing. Even if your are hanging out with people whom you deem “needing your help”, you’d be surprised by what they can teach you. Learning perspective can sometimes be the best growth you can do. People who have claimed “I would never make that life decision” get to know people who didn’t have a choice, or did it with the ultimate courage and make you revisit your perception of people who have made different choices than you have.
If you surround yourself with only people you feel needs your help, you are trying to set sail across the Pacific in a dingy. There’s also the very real fear that you will, in fact, fall to their ways and NOT grow as a person. An alcohol abuser friends with another alcohol abuser = no growth. An alcohol abuser friends with a clean person intentionally trying to change the abuser = not friends very long (OR shining success! – but not likely). Sometimes, people who need help just need someone to lean on while they try to get up.
In reality, at least in the way I feel, you should do a little of both. Hence the “moderation” in the title. You should absolutely find people whom you deem equal or superior to yourself in whatever aspect you need to grow. Whether it’s social, behavioral, spiritual, or even professionally. You should also have friends that do not fit into that cute little package – ones that are fun to be with, but test your limits and in your friendship, you even each other out.
With all being fair, and in the reality of life, you obviously will not be able to just go and select friends that match this picture. So, make friends, love them, learn from them, teach them and if you feel out of balance, join a group that would help you get a little more balanced. I, for one, am not a hugely religious person. I attend church and believe in God most days, but find my best company in the similarly damaged/awkward crowd, so I joined a small group in the church that I attend. This tends to keep me looking in the right direction and thinking about ways to refocus and become a better person while hearing the struggles of others feeling the same way as me.
As I was doing housework I thought of you today. I am so glad to see this in my inbox! It seems you have found the key. A spiritual mentor or mentors is incredibly important for growth, but only hanging out with people like yourself gives you a very one sided view of society, and leaves you with no opportunity to be a positive influence on others.
Jesus spent huge amounts of time with sinners of all types. He said, “I came to seek and save the lost.” He is our model.
Makes me wonder what Jesus did during the missing years.
Amen!
“If you hang out with alcohol or drug abusers, you are much more likely to partake yourself and possibly fall into a metaphorical hole. On the other hand, if you hang out with people training for marathons or are crazy into health and fitness, you are more likely to curb your life to include those or similar activities”..
I’m too lazy to run marathons and too smart to use drugs so I try to hang around with those somewhere in the middle. They have thought or dabbled in either but didn’t get attached..
Very well said. Look who Jesus included and treat people as He did but you don’t need to indulge because they do. By all means feed your soul and spend time with encouragers and uplifters and be one. Glad to hear from you again. God bless you and yours. Stay well and safe.
You seem to have stumbled upon the very fallacy that many of us “non-believers” find so irksome: that you’re either a “believer” or you’re running around making all sorts of “bad” life choices. There’s no room in that world view for people to be good, upstanding, wise and worthy of admiration and not be a follower of Jesus. I’ve been subjected to that many times: people who think I’m cool until the Jesus thing comes up and I tell them I’m not a believer. Then, suddenly, they’re very confused about why/how I can be a kind, warm, generous, sometimes wise person without Jesus. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s not only possible but there are millions of us. It’s not “either you follow Jesus or you’re making bad life choices and being judgmental of others’ choices.” Some of us have actually figured out how to have empathy and compassion with Jesus. Go figure.
I’m so sorry you misunderstood my post. Some of it was about God and spirituality (none of it mentioned Jesus), but mostly it was just about learning and growing from people who are different from you whether good or bad. I was not raised in a church or with Jesus and I also turned out to be a good person – I think I mentioned that in a previous blog. I hope that helps.
I don’t think I misunderstood it, at least not with regard to the way this conundrum of “hang with believers or try to convert non-believers” is often posited in modern Evangelical churches. And whether you mentioned Jesus or not, that IS what we’re talking about, yes? Whether someone identifies as a Christian or not?
My point is simply that so many modern Christians seem to believe that “you’re either with us or you’re against us.” And it’s really not that simple.
Maybe real friendship is like our relationship with God. We are free to do as we please but when we need Him, He is there. When our friends need us, we should be there.
I really hated school when laws required me to attend classes. It was only after I had to pay for my own education that I missed leaning. It is desire of the student that matters. The best teacher can do nothing without willing students.
Thank you, Meg. Now I don’t have to respond that way. In the larger sense, the Universe is so vast, Earth is not even a speck, so the either/or viewpoint just doesn’t work. Oh, I am a believer, a strong one, but not a religious person at all. “They” lost me somewhere after Sunday school — that God made sense to me — you know, “red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.” Then I found out about the God who had “chosen people” who were better than the infidels, and that just didn’t agree with “the Lord God made us all.” I’ve gone my own way, with millions of others, who have chosen a different path to spiritual health. L’chaim! 😉
That last line should read “without Jesus.”
Love all the pictures. Stay well. 🙂
We love you ALL <3 Stay safe and stay Happy !! You have wise words for everyone… (and I see the cheese balls!) Jmustian
100%
Sound advice. Glad you found a small group to participate in. Hsppy Easter to you and your family.
Just need to say – I miss seeing you on TV. But love reading your thoughts.
Doctor Emily, I think that you are a beautiful person both inside and out. To speak of anything ‘Christinan’ these days can bring on plenty of criticism, but you have done it. Bless you.
I don’t want to get you into any trouble with your followers, but here is a good scripture to contemplate…
1 Corinthians 9:20-23
The Message
19-23 Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!
I appreciated your thoughts and ultimate challenges. Wise woman who sees many sides. Negative people, in my experiences, are the most difficult to maintain as friends. It takes work and ultimately results in a chapter closed. I have worked with and lived around numerous non-believers. Acceptance of them as friends is not so difficult. Trust, caring, compassion and respect are not traits reserved for Christians.
Very well said! You young lady are wise beyond your years! I agree with everything you said. I have a trans grandchild and learn something every day about how to help myself and others to accept and love who you are!
Have a Happy Easter. Love all of your posts.
The spiritual heart is a birthright, a dispensation that awaits our rightful claim to emotional strength, psychological balance, and physical self-regulation. (HeartMath Institute)
I never ask anyone their beliefs or religious affiliation. You can usually figure out their character in a few meetings. I don’t like pushy, dramatic people and I avoid them.
Love this blog, as it is about Love. God is Love, therefore Love is God.
Simply Love all, and all will be with God.
You know, I saw the cheese balls too! My super market doesn’t carry them in any form (Cheetos don’t count!). Need to find a new super market!
I love this! I know I learned the rehearsed witnessing tools when I knew you but I don’t remember if I used them….. I apologize if I did but I was certainly coming from the best of intentions and prayers. But since then I have learned that it’s more about a relationship with someone than anything. My husband had me read the book Too Christian. Too Pagan by Dick Staub. It was a defining book in my life for sure. I highly recommend it. Thank you for this blog!
God bless you all, Dr. Emily and Happy Easter! Keep on posting, please. It seems you have a new four legged family member and if so, congratulations! He or she is beautiful.
Well said Emily. I love the statement about most people needing someone to lean on while trying to stand up. I am glad you shared with us this “age-old” question and your thoughts about it. Moderation is good in a lot of cases. Thank you.
I think it’s super important to be more interested in learning from people on the “bad” side than to try to teach them. Especially for people who are very religious, there may be much more to learn than to teach. If the people on the “bad” side seem happy and are still alive, chances are that their way of life is actually the way of an equally happy life, and that adopting parts of their way of life can be hugely beneficial and enriching.
Love you on the incredible dr. Pol, and love your blog!
You really nailed it, Emily. However, I’m thinking of changing my name 🙂
Dear Emily, what happened with you? Please write the blog.
From Hungary, Budapest.
very well said – I believe in mixing the group. You can still grow as a person and maybe be an inspiration to someone who is still in the middle and not sure which way to go