Per the current trend, people are taking an idea and getting SUPER offended by it. Instead of stopping, doing some thinking, maybe *gasp, some introspection, they just fire off all these lies about the idea to get others also against it, when in reality, the idea would actually help a lot of people.
The idea of “toxic masculinity” seems to really peeve a lot of people off and start clamoring that it means being “manly” is bad and all men should start acting feminine. This is not at all what that phrase means. That would be akin to saying “apple seeds contain cyanide” means “you shouldn’t eat apples”. “Toxic masculinity” is just taking masculinity too far and pushing it onto others, causing a toxic atmosphere that leads to more problems in society as well as personal lives.
So, masculinity is OKAY. If you’re into that. Lifting weights, going hunting, playing sports, wearing camo, shooting guns. wanting to be protective of women and children, whatever else is considered masculine – these are all perfectly acceptable and even desirable by a certain population. If you’re into it, and it’s not hurting others, GREAT! NO one is telling men they shouldn’t be who they want to be. If being a stereotypical manly man is your thing, I love it. People in general love it. You be you!
What’s NOT okay is the idea that NOT being perfectly masculine is a bad thing and something to be shamed. What’s toxic is shaming men or boys who, for instance, take dance, like pink, cook, do laundry, help take care of their own kids (without calling it babysitting), or worst of all, show emotion. This leads to de-humanizing of people and the trapped feeling men can get from not being able to be themselves for fear of being shamed, bullied, or even physically beaten.
One of the things I see on a daily basis is men in the Euthanasia room, trying their hardest to hold back emotion and tears when they have to say goodbye to their best friend of 15 years. Why should men feel the need to hide that? Why shouldn’t they be allowed to cry without feeling shame? Having an old man, from the “Greatest generation” apologize and look ashamed of himself because he lets his face break for even a moment while trying to remain calm and collected and say goodbye to his best old buddy is heart wrenching.
Or my dad, who was always telling us that we didn’t need a therapist and/or anti-depressants/anxiety meds – we just needed to get out and exercise or eat right or find a hobby. Then, just a few months ago, he called me up to tell me about how he finally went and saw a doctor about anxiety and got on some medication and – can you imagine? ! – it helped SO much! He couldn’t believe the difference it could make!
Could you imagine a world where men were allowed to show emotion? Be themselves? Not have to fit into a tiny mold of what men are SUPPOSED to be? Could you imagine how much less violence there might be in the world? How much less pent up frustration? Can you see the irony in women being more brave to break out of their traditional roles than men are? This is why we give men who show something outside the traditional range of manliness so much attention – it’s called positive reinforcement. It’s not that being “manly” is bad, it’s just that being yourself should be celebrated and people who are being themselves are being SO brave!
So, you want to be a manly man? Have golden calf testicles hanging off your ridiculously large truck that you drive like someone released a bee hive in your cab, and then, inevitably complain about gas prices? Great! Good for you! No one is telling you that’s bad (except, maybe, the environmentalists). But you should also not feel like you have to hold back your tears as you pay the $150 to drive that truck to town and back. Nor should you ruin your son’s life by making him feel like “men don’t cry” and turn him into a domestic violence psychopath. Emotions are okay. Men doing the dishes and being a caretaker is OKAY.
Be a man! Be brave! Be you! Just don’t be a dick. That’s all.
Love it!! Thanks!
I agree with this attitude. Just be yourself!!
Dr. E,
Wonderful editorial with which I agree completely.
I loved seeing you on an old Dr. Pol episode last night. You are so beautiful. I know Tony agrees.
I agree, I told my boys, and my daughter to be who they are. And to love God. All turned out great.
Yay Dr Emily!!! Agree 100+%! I’m 76. My husband died several years ago but I will tell you he was all man. Strong and viral who loved his fdd as milt and loved his Jesus and was not afraid to show emotions. He was a fantastic cook and baker and nurtured and loved and encouraged our 6 kids very good! So kudos to you and Tony and your family!!
Your husband is so handsome!
That was AWESOME Emily. You hit the nail on the head (as usual) pigeon holeing either gender is a shame. I also would like to point out, current times of assigning yourself out of traditional male / female titles should not be used as a club over the head of us who grew up that way. I’ll call you whatever you want. Tell me and don’t belittle me or give eye rolls because I can’t read your mind.
That was AWESOME Emily. You hit the nail on the head (as usual) pigeon holeing either gender is a shame. I also would like to point out, current times of assigning yourself out of traditional male / female titles should not be used as a club over the head of us who grew up that way. I’ll call you whatever you want. Tell me and don’t belittle me or give eye rolls because I can’t read your mind.
I do agree with you. What is it called when a office full of women create a unlivable environment. I worked in several of them in banking and accounting. Both industries are heavily female populated. Every office was the same full of backstabbing and gossiping ladies. My wife is a office manager in the dental field, she has the same problem. It seems to me women can’t get along well with each other or their male colleagues. Guess we need to come up with a name for that.
We call that bad management.
AMEN
Oh boy is that off the charts here with homeless 28yo I took in with his mother. It’s been a nightmare and I run up to the mountains as often and long as I can. He’s been locked up in psychiatric ward 6 times stops taking his meds and goes nuts on his subject. His mother attempted suicide 4 times. They are family members of my friend that I allowed to move in because they were homeless. My friend didn’t tell me of all the mental problems with both. I’m 72 and just looking forward to dying.
Yes, I was a lil upset when my son in law didn’t like that my grandsons got their nails painted. It was fun & they had to wait fir us anyway. One got all black & the other got green nails & neon orange toes. 😂
It would be so nice if more people thought this way!
Amen!
Well said! Bravo. I think you and Tony are doing a great job parenting
I love it 💜
Dr. Emily, thanks so much for sharing another nugget of good commonsense. I’m familiar with exactly what you’re talking about and I agree that raising good humans and being good humans are desperately needed in our increasingly angry society.
Miss your presence on TV but I’m glad to still hear from you.
Your boys are blessed to have you all as parents to raise them with a more balanced mindset!!!
Well said. ♥️
Yes, to all of this.
The part that has me in tears is you saying: “One of the things I see on a daily basis is men in the Euthanasia room, trying their hardest to hold back emotion and tears when they have to say goodbye to their best friend of 15 years. Why should men feel the need to hide that? Why shouldn’t they be allowed to cry without feeling shame? Having an old man, from the “Greatest generation” apologize and look ashamed of himself because he lets his face break for even a moment while trying to remain calm and collected and say goodbye to his best old buddy is heart wrenching.”
So sad!
Well-said as usual, Dr. Emily. I particularly like the last paragraph. 😉
I’m never going to see the lower end of 75 again. I grew at a time John Wayne viewed crying as some kind of sickness that needed to be cured as soon as possible. Went away to school and camp at 7 went to Vietnam 3 times. The maleness was everywhere. The fact of the matter wasn’t that I suppressed crying. I really didn’t know how. Sure feeling the big lump in my chest told me things weren ‘t great, but nobody was teaching how to deal.
Turned out my daughter was born on veterans day. Every year on November 11th she calls and thanks me for my service. I think she has it all backwards. I should be calling her to thank her for teaching me how to cry, and the granddaughter she gave us all.
Remember standing around waiting for my kids to get off of a ride at Busch Gardens when I witnessed these teenage boys rag one of their friends because he didn’t want to ride it He finally gave in after intense ribbing from his buddies. I happen to be there when they finished the ride. The poor guy that didn’t want to ride it got off of it sick as a dog! A sad example of toxic masculinity at its best. Too bad these guys couldn’t just accept and respect their friends refusal to go on this ride. So sad teenage boys equate these rides as a symbol of masculinity.
Wow!! Dr Emily. You have such insight. I so enjoy your posts. Look forward to getting & reading them.
My nephew bought a “manly” Ford F-150 then promptly gave it back when he found out the yearly personal property tax was $5,000. He’ll eventually find another “manly” toy.
Your ending words sum it all up: Be a man! Be brave! Be you! Just don’t be a dick. That’s all.
Words to live by.
Thank you.