Posted on

Torn with Porn

Some friends and I got into a very interesting and enlightening conversation the other day. One friend, we’ll call her Jenny, had just accidentally found out that her husband had been looking at porn for the past several years and was horrified. She went into the confusing feelings she was having dealing with it all.

  1. She had been lied to. Even when she directly asked him about it, he denied it. He did not confess until she presented her evidence she had come upon. Her husband, whom had been a fantastic dad and husband for their entire relationship had lied to her – for years. He had cracked that solid base that she stood and relied on to function in life. What else could he be lying about?! What else could he have hidden after all these years while being able to look directly into her eyes and lie!?!
  2. Was she not attractive enough for him? All the women in the porn videos are completely made up with ridiculously impossible bodies (often surgically and/or digitally altered) for her to achieve, especially after kids. What if he was going there because she was not enough for him anymore? Should she put in more effort into losing weight? Wear more provocative clothing? Make-up? Get a boob job??
  3. Why was she trying to appease HIM? Why was she putting all of this on herself? She should love herself and he should love her just the way she was, but obviously he didn’t.

Another friend, let’s call her Wilma, just brushed off Jenny’s concerns and said “I don’t see the problem, all men do it, and it’s actually healthy – sometimes I’ll watch it with my husband if we want to spice it up a little.”

When the men (adamantly trying to avoid being involved in the conversation by watching the tv and fervently discussing soccer) were questioned, one’s point of view was that there is a lot of pressure on a man (or a decent one I’ll interject) to make sure the woman is interested in fooling around, and then has a good time during intercourse and that with porn, there is no pressure in either way and he can just enjoy himself all by himself and not feel stressed.

We understood that, but Jenny’s feelings were also pertinent. They were REAL feelings and it was okay for her to feel those feelings. We encouraged her to talk about it with him so that they could each air out what they were feeling and discuss it.

Later, we asked her about it and she said that her husband had no idea how looking at porn would hurt her, that he had never even thought about how it would make her feel and that he was just sold the normalcy of it through TV, advertisements, media, etc. He claimed that now that he knew how much it hurt her, he would never go back to it. I was like, “so if he didn’t think it would hurt you, why did he lie about it to your face?” She said he was just ashamed because it was embarrassing.

Hopefully, Jenny got one of the *rare* good ones and he will uphold his word. But what has gotten us into this conundrum? Is Jenny being silly for being upset about this? Should we, as partners, just expect “boys to be boys” and internalize our feelings of betrayal, hurt, or not being good enough? Do men just have the unspoken okay to go out and seek other sources of sexual entertainment without their spouse’s consent?

Watching shows like “The Crown” I see that back in the day, it was quite normal, though not talked about for men to go to “Gentlemen’s club” and to seek other women’s attention that way. Since, this has become less acceptable, but online porn is still VERY easily available. Many will tell you that it is perfectly normal and healthy, and if everyone involved in the decision to partake is ACTUALLY okay with it, then, sure, go for it, it’s not hurting anyone per se. But, this conversation makes me wonder – How many women or partners just pretend to be okay with it so they will not appear “uncool”? How many accept it and tell others to accept it because they feel they cannot change men and if they make a big deal out of it, no men will want their prudish selves?

I’ve been listening to a book called “Boundaries” and one thing I’ve learned from it and will try to apply to this subject is that everyone has their own limits and boundaries as to what they find acceptable behavior. From the get go, if you find the idea of your partner doing something wrong or unacceptable, you set that line. I bet a lot more people would set a line if they thought it was okay to. If you would feel hurt by your partner looking at others for sexual pleasure, you say “I’m not doing that.” and set that limit for you and your partner. Your partner will either, with respect and love that they should have for you, say, okay, I will stop, or tell you you’re being ridiculous and continue to bring you harm.

The main point is: you and your partner should feel comfortable with each other AND with each other’s set boundaries. There should be open conversations about LITERALLY everything. To be honest, I am a terrible communicator in that I cannot get the right words out when I want to – the other day I was angry with Tony and told him “I want to love you, but am not able to right now”. What he heard was “I don’t love you even though I’m supposed to” He, then, proceeded to sink into a deep depression for at least 24 hours. I thought he was just pouting because I had gotten onto him, so ignored his behavior. When I finally talked to him about it, I found out how my statement had come off and had to completely reword my statement. In typical Emily fashion, still not communicating well, I said “I didn’t mean that I want to love you like I want to like cheesecake (because I absolutely don’t like cheesecake, but everyone talks so highly of it), I meant I want to love you like I want to eat an entire chocolate cake, but know I shouldn’t” because he had wronged me. He understood and we’re fine now. Just a little communication. I have told him since that when he feels put out by me or my words, he needs to IMMEDIATELY say something like “wow, that kind of hurt. What I HEARD was… ” and then I can immediately confirm that’s what I meant or change my wording.

Sorry, got side tracked. The point is, it’s okay to set personal boundaries and expect your partner or future partners to respect those boundaries. There’s no point in bottling all of your heartache up because you feel that you’re supposed to accept things you personally cannot accept. THAT is NOT healthy.

*Side note about porn* – I’m not picking sides here. If both partners are absolutely and honestly okay with it, then great! But have the conversation and really talk about how it makes each other feel before continuing.

Posted on

“The Meaning of life” – my interpretation

Everyone has their own interpretation of “The meaning of Life” some say it’s to enjoy life, some say that we’re all just play pieces on God’s chess board, some even say there is NOT a meaning to life and that it is all random because there is no God. My interpretation of the meaning of life works out for those who believe in God and those who do not and just requires that you care for someone other than yourself.

For me, the meaning is to make the world a beautiful place, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And I strive to pour everything I can into the world to help it be a better place. Some days are certainly harder than others and sometimes I just need to focus on me to replenish my ability to give so that I don’t become bitter and unwilling to beautify the world in the future.

My painting is actually depicting how I sometimes feel; giving everything I can to make people happy and help to plant seeds of fairness or humanity, but that sometimes it feels like it’s just draining my soul. The world is a tough place. Sometimes, it’s hard to accept the way people are and that they will likely never change. But you never know if you have influenced that person or not and if you just keep pouring love and beauty into the people and world around you, you have no idea what that might produce in the future – how people will treat each other down the road because of the way you treated them and how that can produce beautiful fruits and flowers – even if you may never even be aware of them.

Keep being beautiful and watch the world blossom – even if it’s from heaven.

Posted on

5 ridiculously easy ways to avoid pet emergencies and BIG bills that your vet doesn’t want you to know… oh, wait.

***Warning: graphic content – pictures depicting emergencies discussed will be held until the end of the blog***

If you haven’t heard or experienced it, here in the US, we are having an onslaught of new patients and cases in veterinary medicine and people are experiencing extremely long wait times or even being rejected from places because there is simply no room/time to see the animals. I work at a general practice full time, and pick up emergency shifts at the local ER, as well as have access to tens of thousands of other vets’ perspectives on my groups on Facebook. One night, when I got to my shift at the ER – after working a full day at my regular job – by 6pm, I was pickup up cases that had been waiting since noon. In the first hour that I was there, FIFTEEN more cases showed up. We were telling people that wait times could be 8-12 hours! There were only three doctors there with one about to clock out. There were also very few assistants/techs to help us – I counted 5 total – 2 techs, 3 assistants and two of those had to come in on their day off.

This was absolutely insane! How could they mess up this scheduling? How could they be so careless with hiring staff that we get to this point?? In frustration, I finally asked someone what on earth was going on?? That’s when they informed me that everyone was getting so burned out that they were all quitting. They were also having trouble hiring anyone because of the workload and hours. This COVID pandemic has somehow increased pet ownership exponentially and, in doing so, has run the vet industry ragged. That is a whole other discussion, but today, I want to talk about the most common “emergencies” we see and explain how to avoid them so that you are not only not having to wait at the ER for 8 hours to spend $1500, but you are also not taking up staff and doctors’ time when they could be seeing other emergencies that were not so avoidable.

  1. Spay/neuter you dog (unless you are a very careful and meticulous breeder)before the age of 12 months.
    1. Pyometra – during heat cycles, female dogs can produce a lot of mucus in their uterus, then, when they don’t get bred and go quiet for the next 6 months. If ANY bacteria gets introduced into the system (including bacteria swimming up the blood trail from their heat) this excess fluid/mucus accumulation provides an optimum breeding ground for that bacteria. As most cervixes close up tight after the heat cycle, this can lead to a sealed sack of purulent material (Pus) and infection. This causes the dog to get VERY sick and can lead to systemic infection and/or death if not treated immediately. Surgery being the treatment of choice, there is WAY more risk to this spay than a routine spay as typically the dogs are dehydrated, toxic, feverish, some can be septic, and then when you get into surgery some of these uteruses literally look like a giant summer sausage in the abdomen – just hugely distended with pus – and if any of that pus escapes during surgery or is already leaking, the dog’s chances of survival will fall even more and much more expensive aftercare will be needed. Literally any non-spayed female dog on the schedule that is sick, lethargic, or vomiting is assumed to be a pyometra until proven otherwise. – Cost of routine spay (depending on town) – $150-500 Cost of emergency pyometra surgery – $800-$5000
    2. Dystocia – So you thought Princess Fiona was the perfect dog and you just wanted one litter from her to show your kids the miracle of life – or , like others on the Doodle mania wagon, you thought you’d make some cash by slapping a cute “breed” name along with a hefty price tag on the puppies. When the time comes, she has two healthy, beautiful puppies and then nothing for 7 hours. You didn’t have her radiographed to do a puppy count whether out of ignorance or to save money, so you have no idea how many she’s supposed to have, but she still looks pregnant. You decide to take her into the emergency clinic. Now, you find out there’s 5 more puppies and she needs emergency C-section, and the 5 remaining puppies are dead. Estimated profits before the C-section at $1500/puppy – $10,500. Profits after emergency surgery and spay because most places give you a discount to spay at the same time: $-2000.
      1. Conclusion: if you absolutely insist on puppies, get patient checked by a vet before her due date – ensure the puppies are alive, and get an estimated count. Save money and prepare for a C-section just in case. Don’t breed for profit – you’re not helping the breed become better. Evaluate your breeding stock before you breed to check for genetic diseases. Good breeders will tell you they don’t make much money (if any) breeding dogs – they do it to better the breed and ensure physically and mentally healthy animals.
    3. Neuter – okay, this doesn’t necessarily cause too many emergencies.. as long as the dog is kept in a fence. Intact males will wander if they smell a bitch in heat and can get into all sorts of other trouble as discussed next.
  2. Keep. Your. Dog. In. A. Fence! (or otherwise contained)
    1. HBC – vet lingo for hit by car – could be anything from some bruising to instant death and everywhere in between. Broken bones (legs, ribs, spine), internal bleeding – come to us coughing up blood, abdomen full of blood, ruptured diaphragm – abdominal organs floating around in the chest.
    2. Dog/animal attacks – your dog wanders, gets into fights or gets attacked by other animals – I’ve literally had to sew a dog’s throat back together.
    3. Gunshots – dogs wander into a hunter’s territory, chases away their deer, gets shot. Dog goes onto a farm, chases some sheep/goats/other livestock (it is completely legal and encouraged in most states to shoot a dog chasing livestock). Dog goes onto someone else’s property even, if someone feels threatened or is just a jerk, shoots your dog.
    4. Diarrhea/vomiting/foreign bodies – you swear your dog couldn’t have gotten into anything because you keep your trash locked up, but the dog is not in an enclosure. So, they could have wandered to find a rotting carcass, someone else’s trash, compost pile, animal feces, discarded drugs, rat poison, antifreeze, etc.
    5. Traps – I have seen dogs and cats get lost and when they are finally found, their leg is crushed or strangulated, and rotting in a small game trap.
    6. Porcupine quills – yes, it’s possible for a porcupine to wander into your yard, especially if you have invisible fencing, but it’s far more likely that your dog (or cat) wandered into the woods and found this prickly friend.
  3. Vaccinate your animals –
    1. Parvo is a horrible virus that attacks the small intestines, stripping tissue off and causing horrible bloody diarrhea and vomiting and is 100% preventable with vaccines. And yet we see numerous puppies a year that need to be hospitalized and can take 5-10 days to fully recover – if they recover. They will be hooked up to IV fluids and medications while we try to get on top of their intestines melting and prevent infection traveling to all the organs and causing a horrible septic death – all because vaccines were too expensive or inconvenient, or whatever ridiculous reason we are given. And we have all seen numerous parvo cases where the owner bought vaccine at a farm supply store. Just go to the vet. Just do it. Vaccine $30 (with 1-3 boosters depending on age of presentation) Parvo treatment $1000-5000 depending on length of stay
    2. Distemper – more rare now, but severe neurologic (can’t walk, breathe, etc) symptoms – very rarely recover.
    3. Lyme – very big in parts of the country and getting worse – mostly tired acting sore/painful animals, but sometimes they go into kidney failure – grave prognosis
    4. Lepto – a bacteria spread by urine from other animals – your pet picks it up from drinking from water on the ground – rivers/lakes/streams/puddles. Causes severe renal and liver failure – poor prognosis.
    5. Rabies – 100% FATAL!! and 100% preventable. That is all.
  4. Look at/touch your animals occasionally. No, you are not a vet, but you can certainly keep track of something not looking right about your pet before it gets to the point of a 1am emergency. I can’t tell you how many “this 7lb tumor just grew over night and is now open and bleeding” or “I don’t know how his collar got embedded 2 inches into his neck” or “we just noticed his ear melting off his head” etc.
  5. Get established at a veterinary office – so many ER clients end up there because they have a semi-urgent problem, but they don’t have a primary DVM so they are stuck going to pay for a $1000 visit (usually they decide to do this at 9:30pm for some ungodly reason).
Sweet parvo puppy who was surrendered to the vet due to finances.

Keep scrolling for less cute pictures

.

.

.

.

.

Gruesome pictures coming

.

.

.

.

I’m warning you

.

.

.

.

Hope you’re not eating

.

.

.

.

Turn back now

Pyometra in a cat where the uterus (or giant sack of pus) was bigger than the cat
Pyo in a dog with pink drawn to show how big and where the non-SOP would normally be
Vaginal hyperplasia – happens sometimes when a dog goes into heat.
Hit by car (HBC) shattered pelvis
HBC – fractured spine
Dog shot
Bullet found in the wound – most bullets don’t have to be removed unless causing a problem
Cat shot
Dog fight – hemostats holding the jugular vein which got ripped out – dog is fine now.
BDLD – big dog little dog attack
Guns aren’t the only thing that can be shot. This dog also did okay.
Mastitis case – owner waited 5 days to seek care
This dog presented for a regular annual exam – found giant ulceration in the eye – just look at your animals
Dog presented for “something stuck in his mouth” – giant tumor that I guarantee didn’t just show up
Cat bit by dog a week ago – then nose fell off – was euthanized.
My dog – Daphne in the Shenandoah river – luckily, she’s vaccinated for lepto and I’m not worried about her getting kidney and liver failure from drinking this water. We did bathe her afterwards because of all the e-coli, though.