A Hike in the Woods, Day 5

Day 5, Part 1

The sun came up on the fifth day. I had been holding my arms close about my chest for hours in a feeble attempt to fight off the cold air. The storm from yesterday had moved on and the sun hung bright in the morning sky, but it gave no warmth. I staggered forward a few more paces before falling to my knees. My brain barely registered the pain. We made progress through the night as best we could in the darkness of the woods, neither one of us had even a headlamp to help light the way. We never stopped, never rested, though both of us fell and struggled to get back up more than once. Little Foot was flagging more than I was by the end; for the past hour, her pace was no faster than a crawl. Her head was drooping and lulling to the side, her arms hanging limp. Little Foot’s face did seem to soften with the first light of dawn, as though the sun could hold the terror at bay.

Little Foot slumped down next to me on the trail, I was still on my hands and knees, “We can rest here. I have to stop for a moment. Sorry.” The word “Sorry” escaped her lips in a breathless whisper.

I pushed myself into a sitting posture, using my arms to pull my legs into a tolerable position in front of me. “Don’t be.” I replied. “I’m exhausted too. My ankle feels like it’s on fire, I can’t go on either.” 

Instinctively, I reached for my pack, I reached for my few remaining pain killers. But, they were gone. They were miles behind me in the woods somewhere. I sighed and rested my head on the tree to my back.

Little Foot sat down on my right side, leaning her left side into me. “Just a few minutes, okay.” She said, not looking at me. A certain measure of peace had come over her and (by extension me) with the rising sun. Hope had taken a foothold where there was only dread an hour before. I had parked my car at the next trailhead, and we had to be getting close by now. We just had to reach it today. We ended up resting against that gnarled tree for twenty minutes before setting out again. A small measure of resolve restored with the rest. Little Foot became the de facto leader of our two man group; she would set the pace and call our breaks. Both of us kept our heads moving side to side in a sweeping motion as best we could, always trying to peer into the woods as deeply as possible. Straining to see just beyond the last shadow. Both of us would jump and tense at every snapping branch or running deer or crying bird. But, at least, I wasn’t alone. 

Our morning moved along in such a fashion. Neither of us had any food, and my stomach began a slight protest. If Little Foot was hungry, she never said it. We were able to drink from a fast moving rain fed stream that ran near the trail. At little past noon, we stopped for our third break of the day. Exhaustion filled my entire body. My right leg visibly shook under the strain of lowering my body to the ground, my left leg extended in front of me so as to not take any of the weight. Little Foot sat (fell) down next to me. Her face was pale and drained. The gash on her forehead had reopened, a trickle of blood was mixing into her eyebrow. Her eyes looked dim with dark circles around them, her face was drawn. 

“Just a few minutes, okay?” she said to me.

I replied with a nod. And, with that, she leaned into me in the way we had become familiar. She put more of her weight into me than usual. The hope that had clawed its way into my mind was slipping away. Little Foot very well might die out here, even if we never see that monster again. She seemed so frail, so very close to death already. She fell asleep. “Just a few minutes” she had said, but I knew she needed more sleep than that. Little Foot needed so much more than rest, but that was all I could give her. 

I’ll keep watch and let her sleep. She needs rest. Hopefully we can spare an hour. We’ve got to be getting close. 

Day 5, Part 2

A whistling crept through the darkness. My eyes blinked heavily as sunlight edged out the darkness. My mind was simultaneously groggy, incoherent, and spinning in terror. Why was I afraid? Why does my entire body ache? Was someone whistling “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay?” My eyes shot wide open as the full weight of my circumstance came crashing down. I could suddenly feel my heart rapidly pounding in my chest. Wincing, I twisted in an attempt to locate the direction of the whistler. Little Foot gently shifted on my shoulder, still peacefully asleep. I shook her shoulder, forgetting about the deep raking gashes on her back. Little Foot’s face sprung to life with equal parts pain and fear. 

“We’ve got to go, now!” I said to her in an urgent whisper. “I can hear him, I think he’s getting close.”

Little Foot managed to get to feet and helped me to mine, both of our faces pulling back in pain. With walking stick in hand, we made our way down the trail. The whistling still faintly clinging to the air, always lingering in the background. After a while of walking, Little Foot asked, “How long was I asleep, and why did you let me sleep? I can’t believe you did that.” She finished with a shake of her head. 

“You needed rest.” I responded. “I was going to stay awake and let you sleep for an hour or so. But, you needed it. You’ve lost too much blood.” I could feel her disappointment, but I didn’t know what to do about it. “Look at you, you’re pale. You look like death.” And, with that, her face shot toward me with a harsh glare.

“You look like crap too!” Little Foot responded in a slightly higher tone. “Come on. We’ve got to move faster.” And so the pace quickened; I had to work hard to not be left behind.

After a mile or so, the whistling faded away. The sun had firmly settled into the western half of the sky, and it was slipping quickly toward the horizon. Little Foot’s frantic pace had slowed and I had caught back up with my hobbling gate. The trees seemed to be crowding the path again, old trees that seemed to crouch over us and cast deep shadows all around. There was a certain amount of comfort in hearing the whistling, we knew that it was some ways behind us. Now, there was no way to know. 

“Back there, when you woke me up,” Little Foot broke the silence. “you said ‘he is getting close.’ What did you mean? Who’s ‘he?’”

“Harry.” I responded without taking my eyes from the trees. “You met Harry on the trail, right?” Little Foot looked confused and shook her head. “He’s the one that chased you out of that campsite. He’s the one that attacked you!” 

“No.” She responded. I left the campsite that night because I saw some sort of bear prowling around. Sniffing at our tents. It wandered off behind the shelter and I got out of there. It was that bear that attacked me.” Her voice broke at the end, and she offered no more information.

I let the silence hang in the air, afraid to break it, but I finally offered “Harry has been following me. He’s always going the other direction, but he keeps popping up. That was him humming back there. He was sitting in the shelter when I got up that morning. Idly humming that same song.” 

We followed a bend in the trail, which put the sun fully behind the mountain. Dark shadows consumed everything. Night started its slow grip on the mountainside. And that’s when the quiet of the forest was broken by a third human voice. “That’s so nice of you to tell her about me. Though I thought you’d mention that we’re friends, I thought we had truly bonded over the past few days. You trying to offer me hiking advice and all.” He chuckled as he finished. “Be careful of the rocks. Thanks for that tidbit” He chuckled. 

Harry had easily overtaken us, and now he was casually sitting in front of us on a log next to the trail. He stood and took a few steps toward us. Little Foot and I had stopped in our tracks. She impulsively reached for my hand, I could feel her trembling. Every hair on my body stood on end. We both took a step back.

“Oh, let’s not do that.” Harry said, “Just sit down.” He gestured to the log he had just left. “Don’t make me chase you, how far could you really get anyway? Plus, I think safety is that way.” He pointed over his shoulder. “Night will be here soon. Sit down, we can talk while we wait.”

With her free hand, Little Foot pulled out her small pocket knife, and brandished it  toward Harry. The knife looked pathetic as it quaked in her fist. “Just let us go! Leave us alone!” She shouted. Tears had welled in her eyes.

Harry put up his hands in mock surrender as he moved aside. “By all means.” Harry said, now gesturing with a little bow down the trail he was no longer blocking.

We slowly walked past Harry, never taking our eyes off of him. He looked like a coiled spring ready to pounce, but he just stood there in his cruel mock bow. Little Foot and I eyed Harry over our shoulders until we reached the next bend in the trail. He straightened but never moved. He just watched us go, like a cat watches a mouse that it will soon play with. The turn took Harry out of sight, and that’s when the whistling picked back up.

Little Foot and I did our best to run. A pathetic sight. We couldn’t put enough distance between us and Harry. The sun was falling into the west, and there was nothing we could do. Night would be here soon. As evening blended into twilight, a glimmer of hope came to us in the form of a sign post. It read, “Parking lot trail 1.5 miles.”

Day 5, Part 3

The shadows stretched longer until dusk overtook everything. Trees were reaching out and clawing at our faces, roots and rocks grabbed at our feet. The dark woods swallowed us. The moon hung full in the sky casting devilish shadows and teasing pools of sickly pale light. Our shuffling run had slowed as we struggled our way through the dark. I jumped at every noise that came from the blackened forest. Owls cried in the night and deer crashed through the brush. I heard all of it as impending doom. A silence crept about the forest, but still “Sittin on the Dock of the Bay” cascaded around my mind. The silence was worse. It held a tenseness that my body strained against. My ears, my eyes, my nose all strained in search of danger. I was now coaxing Little Foot along. She had become even more pale with the moonlight, and she was drained. We had to stop, we needed to stop, but stopping was death. And so, I pulled her along, stumbling along roots and weakly pushing branches away.

Little Foot collapsed to the ground. “I can’t…I can’t…just go” she said through shallow panting breaths. “Leave me.”

“Get up! I’m not leaving. We’ve got to go!” I pulled up on her arm and she cried out in pain. “We can’t stop.” 

I hauled her back to her feet, and she stood slump-shouldered with her head down. I started to lead her down the trail, when Harry’s distant blood curdling scream pierced our ears like daggers. Little Foot lifted her pale face, her eyes locked on to mine, “He’s coming.” Her words should have been a scream, but they came out as an accepted fact.

I found a spurt of new energy. A last push to safety. Surely, my car had to be close by now. My right leg strained to drag my useless left leg into a run, my upper body bearing down on the walking stick for support. Little Foot managed to keep pace. Harry crashed through the woods behind us and a little higher up the mountain. Moonlight pooled on the trail up ahead. Like a divine light, it illuminated a trail junction with a sign post. The downhill path surely leading to the parking lot and to safety. The post was a hundred yards off, one-fifty at most. Burning hot pain shot up my left leg in jolts of agony as I put more and more weight on my left ankle. Little Foot tripped on an unseen root and fell to her hands and knees. “Get up!” I yelled as I pulled mercilessly on her ruined shoulder. “We’re almost there, we can make it!” And, with that, she struggled, for the last time, to her feet.

Harry let out a primal roar. He was closing fast. A crashing noise of crushing bramble and snapping branches exploded from our left. He burst from the forest in front of us, and landed in a pale pool of moonlight. No longer a man, a monster stood in front of us. Red saliva dripped between jagged teeth from his elongated snout. His own blood fell from his mouth to stain thick mats of fur on his chest. Harry stood poised on the balls of his back feet which had transformed into gigantic paws; long nails jutting out and digging into the mud. His eyes, blazing yellow in the moonlight, stared at us in anticipation of the chase. A monstrous werewolf basking in the pale light of the full moon.

Our screams mingled in the air as Little Foot and I clumsily backed away, not daring to look anywhere but at the terror in front of us. I tripped over a hidden root, landing hard on the ground. The werewolf took a single step, its massive paws pushing deep into the mud. Its mouth twisted into a snarl, exposing huge blood stained canines. The stench of carnage and death oozed from that savage muzzle. Once I fell, the beast pounced. In a blur it closed the gap between us. Little Foot, screaming and swearing, was pulling at my shoulders “GET UP! GET UP!” But there was no time, no chance to flee. Little Foot unconsciously took a step back as the monster leapt into the air. Without thought or conscious decision, I brought my walking stick up in front of me. One end buried itself deep into the werewolf’s stomach and the other slammed hard into the ground under my left arm. The werewolf’s terrible muzzle gaping with thick saliva dripping into my face, his eyes popping from their sockets. He hung in the air for a second or a minute (time seemed to have lost all meaning) before the beast came crashing down on top of me. I could hear its ragged and wheezing breaths, the smell of blood swarmed my senses, the werewolf’s sheer bulk crushing my right side. My left hand sunk deep into coarse brown fur as I pushed with whatever strength was still in me. After a moment, Little Foot came to my side and was weakly trying to roll the monster off. Finally, with a last heave and jerking of my own body, I was free.

My walking stick lay broken under the monster, and, without a second thought, that’s where I left it. I scrambled to my feet, primarily balancing on my one good foot, and took in my first deep breath. A new pain filled my body, it exploded in my chest, it erupted in my brain. I doubled over clenching my side. My very lungs seemed to be scraping against my ribs. The weight of the werewolf came down solidly on my chest. 

“Com’on” I gasped for breath, “we’ve got to go.” I said to Little Foot.

 She put an arm around my shoulder and gave a little push to get me moving down the trail as I gasped for another breath. Without my stick for support, my walk was pathetic; a run was beyond me. But, I limped a hopping, shuffling limp as quickly as I could. “He’s not staying down.” Little Foot said, offering for me to put my left arm over her shoulder. Her face, which she was still not lifting up, visibly curled into a wince. We made it to the sign post before I stole a look behind us. The monster was stirring, trying to force himself back to his feet. His breathing, like mine, was labored and painful. He stooped in a half crouching position, one knee on the ground and both wicked hands clutching his abdomen. Our eyes met, and he let out a low growl that seemed to shake the very ground. The last thing I saw was my broken walking stick discarded in the dirt. Half of it was wet with blood.

We turned down the access trail, my car now only a short walk away. A singular howl, weaker but with no less malice, broke the night air. My back stiffened at that sound, and I could feel my skin tighten. The echo of the howl faded away, but it was replaced with the sound of the werewolf rampaging through the woods. The crashing was slower but more ferocious. What had been a twisted game of cat and mouse, had now become something else. Something truly and purely horrifying. 

We trekked on, without hope that we could ever out run the monster. Wounded as he was, the deliberate noise coming from the dark woods was consistently growing closer. Little Foot, still supporting me under my left shoulder, stumbled and fell to her knees. Rocks digging deep into her palms. I looked down at her, my savior, and noticed drops of blood glistening in moonlight as they mingled into the dirt and rocks. She was breathing heavily. I saw her forearms flex and strain to lift her own body, but she didn’t budge. I reached down to help her up, but, as my fingers grazed her torn coat, her strength gave out and she collapsed onto her side. I fell to my knees, never minding the pain, to hold her, to coax her back up. We had to go, there was no time. My hands reached her cheeks, and a wet warmth covered my fingers. Gently I pulled her face out of the dirt to see the new horror. Little Foot’s scalp wound had reopened and blood oozed from it. But now, there was a new wound stretching from her brow to the crook of her lip. Deep tissues hung limply. Though the lids were squeezed shut, her right eye was most likely gone. 

“He got me when he fell.” She said in a cold and distant voice. Weariness and shock were all that Little Foot had left.

I cradled her head, weeping. My chest burned with pain as it heaved uncontrollably. “Why didn’t you say something? You supported me this whole time! You should of told me!” I cried. Tears freely falling. 

“It wouldn’t change anything.” Little Foot responded. Emotion started to break through her distant stare. “Now go!” She cried. A tear dropped from her eye. “While you have time. GO!” She gave me a weak shove. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” A cold grin touched her lips. I looked down to her clenched hand that held her pitiful pocket knife.

I bent down, pressing my forehead to her’s. 

 ***

I don’t remember much else. I did hear a demon’s howl as I drove away, but I didn’t hear the werewolf attack Little Foot. I didn’t hear her screams. Her cries don’t haunt me every night; especially if I’m outside at night with a full moon looming above. 

I made a police report. I was forced back into those cursed woods to show the cop and park ranger the torn remains of Little Foot’s camp. I showed them where the werewolf attacked us. I was even forced to show them where I left Little Foot on the trail. In the end, it was ruled a bear attack. “In these woods” they said “people get attacked by bears more often than you’d think.” And that was it. I assume her family was told some fabricated story about an aggressive bear. I was never told. I was never given any of her personal information, so I couldn’t even try to find the family she left behind. I don’t even know her real name.

As for me, I haven’t been able to get myself back on the trail. I cannot hardly go outside at night. But, on the rare occasion that I have to, I swear I can still hear a soft whistling carried on the wind.

A Hike in the Woods, Day 3

Day 3, Part 1

Sleep didn’t come easy last night. There were several distant cries and hooted screams. There were several bumps in the night, each one had my eyes dart open and my mind racing. I guess recounting the dead deer story last night did an unexpected number to my own imagination. At the first hint of the sun breaking into the dawn, I abandoned all thought of sleep and decided to make a cup of coffee. I dug out my small stove and crawled from my tent, still wrapped in my unzipped sleeping bag like a puffy blanket to ward off the morning chill. With a yawn, I lit the stove and put water to boil. Rubbing my sleep crusted eyes, I glanced toward Little Foot’s tent to see if she was rousing. To my surprise, her tent was gone, no sign that it had been there. Any amount of sleep that still clung to me instantly fell away. Did she leave in the middle of night or did she silently break down her tent at the very first light? She must have really wanted to get out of here to risk a night hike. Night hikes are inherently risky. Even the most mundane obstacle, jutting roots or rocks, become dangerous. A lot of wildlife become more active at night, straying closer to human trails that tend to be busier during the day. I can’t help but wonder how much of her decision was because of me, at least because of my story. Other than the deer story, our talks were pleasant and our company cordial. I guess I may never know why she booked it out of here. We’re traveling in the same direction, maybe I’ll meet back up with Little Foot in the next day or so. I really want to find out what happened, what caused her to leave so abruptly. 

After sipping my coffee, I decided to investigate Little Foot’s tent site. I wanted to see if anything obvious happened. Nothing looked out of place. There were some scuffled boot prints in the dirt, as though she was hurrying back and forth around the area. The holes left from the tent stakes looked as though the stakes were carelessly jerked out. But all that really means is that she left and she wasn’t careful about it, nothing else. I took a wider walk around the site, not sure what I was looking for or hoping to find. Something did seem a little off. The trees had spots on the trunk that were missing chunks of bark; as though it had been rubbed or raked from the tree. Small tufts of fur clung to jagged bits of bark. At first, I thought this really was something. I thought I found some clue in a terrible mystery. But, if you look close enough, almost every tree in the forest has bits of fur or oddly rubbed areas. I found some hair on a tree near my tent. Animals live out here after all. Who knows when or what kind of animal left that fur behind.

Having concluded my impromptu investigation, I took down my tent and packed my bag. I was about to sling my pack up to my back when I heard a quiet whistling coming from the lean-to down the hill. Hesitantly, I lowered my pack to the ground, not taking my eyes off of the back side of the shelter (I purposely chose a tent site behind the shelter, it felt more private somehow.) The whistling never faltered, never changed beat or pitch. Whoever was in the shelter was softly whistling “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” (a classic by Otis Redding.) My fright took a moment to shift toward curiosity, it truly was a good rendition, and now I was curious to see who was in the lean-to. With eyes still locked on the shelter, I started to creep toward the whistle. Without realizing it, I was walking on the balls of my feet while in a hunched position; trying to walk soundlessly through the fallen sticks and leaf litter. I did not want the whistler to know I was coming toward them. I have know idea what I was thinking, trying to sneak up on someone as though I’m some kind of master woodsman. About eight feet into my creep, I stepped squarely through a largish stick, creating a loud snapping sound.

“I know you’re back there.” the voice called. “You’ve been back there for a while, have you finally gotten your tent packed up? Stop creeping about, and come on over. Come say hi to a friend.”

It was Harry! He had, for some reason, backtracked to Hikers’ Nest #3, getting here in the small hours of the morning. After a few minutes of greeting and catching up, I asked if there was another tent set up when he got here.

“Sure. Right over there,” Harry pointed to Little Foot’s site, “but she left not too long after I settled in the lean-to. Not really sure why she jetted in the night. It was kinda weird if you ask me.”

That answered when Little Foot left but not why. Hopefully I’ll see her again so I can ask. Harry and I talked for a minute or two longer before he got to his feet, boots already in place and tied (as though he slept in them,) and made his way down the trail. He again headed in the opposite direction that I would be going. Harry still had no pack, and he left with only the same thread bare flannel shirt with that one water bottle slung over his shoulder, and stained khaki hiking pants torn off at the bottom. What a weird and cool guy.

Day 3, Part 2

I didn’t put in a ton of miles today, maybe only six or seven. For reference, I had been putting in ten to fifteen miles before today. My hike started off well. My boots hit the path shortly after Harry left, I actually caught a quick glimpse of him going around a bend in the trail, whistling as he went. From Hikers’ Nest #3, I continued in a general southwest direction, the trail meandering its merry way to the western side of the mountain. But, as the trail made it to the western face, it started a fairly dramatic descent from the ridgeline. I plunged back into a thick old growth forest from the more sparse offerings of the mountain top. The constant downhill put a strain on my lower legs that I had not experienced. Until now the trail had mostly been an uphill push that transitioned to rolling hills. With the quick change in the trail also came a change in the substrate on the path. Boulders and large rocks became pebbles and gravel. Worse yet, the pebbles would slide underfoot. Each step becoming more and more treacherous. I’m not sure the elevation lost in that first mile, but it was considerable. In the beginning I was relieved, excited even. Walking downhill was so much easier than climbing up. But as the trail continued with a steep descent, I learned my folly. By ten in the morning the trail taught me to detest downhills, my thighs were burning, my knees were shaking with the strain of constantly catching my body weight plus a twenty pound pack, my feet would land only to slide under me. And that’s when I injured myself.

I took tired steps, leaning backwards to keep a semblance of a center of gravity so that my bodyweight didn’t send me cascading down the mountain. I took a step with my right foot as my left foot landed on loose rocks that began to slide under foot. This caused my entire body to lean wildly to the left, and my right leg to swing around in an attempt to compensate for my loss of balance. After a half spin with my arms flung out wide, I came crashing down. My body fell with considerable torque and mass on my left ankle. I could have sworn there was an audible snap as I landed. A sick nauseated feeling washed over me, there was no immediate pain, only shock and terror. I wanted to vomit, I needed to vomit. As a natural instinct, I curled into a fetal position holding my left ankle to protect it from any unseen threat. But, the damage was already done. In the back of my mind, I noted that the swelling had started to settle in; my hiking boot would soon be tight against my ankle. After riding the latest wave of nausea,  I worked up the courage to look at my damaged ankle. Using my left elbow, I pushed myself into a seated position. My right leg on the ground, bent gently at the knee to support my weight, while I coddled my left, I started to gingerly pull up my left pant leg. As the nausea ebbed away, pain started to creep ever deeper, ever more a focal point until it became my primary thought. And the pain was fierce. It was a sharp, bright, hot pain; it was a stabbing pain that demanded all your thought and all your attention. I pulled my pant leg up and wedged it above my calf, then I started untying my boot. The pressure inside my boot was intense, but I didn’t want to take my shoe off for fear of not being able to put it back on. Instead, I loosened the laces to relieve the pressure as best I could. My ankle itself was bruised and swollen, my sock left deep indentations where it had compressed the skin. 

I felt and prodded my ankle as best I could, and nothing seemed broken, (there were no bones glaringly out of place,) my ankle just felt very damaged. Oh my God, the relief I felt running through my entire body when I decided (and it was really just me “deciding”) my ankle was in fact not broken was amazing. The pain was still there, it was still front and center, but it seemed to loosen its grip a little. I had a small light in the darkness of my mind. If my ankle was only sprained or strained or whatever, I could still make it out. I could make it to safety. I sat in the dirt for a few more minutes to gather some strength and courage before I heaved myself upwards and got my good leg under me. Then came the next test. I started toe-touching my left leg, trying to find the weight limit that it could bear. Unsurprisingly, my left leg could not take much of my weight, but it wasn’t completely useless. I managed to hobble over to my pack. It had flown off my back during the fall. Inside the bag, I found my medicine pouch and took three ibuprofen to help with the pain and reduce the swelling. I counted the rest of the pills and made a plan to ration them through the coming days. I then slid back down to the ground, leaning against a large and smooth tree trunk. Thirty minutes of rest to let the ibuprofen start its job. All the while, hoping that another hiker would walk by and help me. My phone had no reception, it hadn’t for the majority of the hike. I was deep in the Virginian woods, on a trail that was not very popular. In the end, I knew walking out was really my only option. After thirty minutes and without another person coming around, I figured it was time to start walking again. I pulled myself up, the pain had lessened by a fraction in the past half-hour. It took me a few minutes of searching through the underbrush to find a suitably sturdy walking stick. It was a sad excuse for a crutch, but it would have to do. I took a single step with my right foot, my left foot bent at the knee with the toe of my boot barely tapping the dirt, and my left arm supporting my weight through the walking stick. I started off. 

The going was slow, painfully slow (pun intended.) Luckily, the trail evened out, ending the incessant downhill, and even reverting back to rolling hills. But, this didn’t last. Soon I was climbing back up to the ridgeline. This time, with only one good leg to carry me. Needless to say, I didn’t make it far. About a mile into the climb (the climb itself was actually somewhat more gentle compared to the first day) I started flagging. I had to find a campsite to bunker down for the night. The spot I finally settled on was not ideal, but it would suffice. Usually I like to go at least twenty yards off trail, but I ended up on twentyish feet instead. I also broke one of the cardinal rules of camping; after struggling to set up my tent, I couldn’t muster the energy for a hike downwind to cook and eat dinner. Instead I ate dinner slumped awkwardly next to a tree not seven feet from my tent. All that food smell will surely linger over my tent all night. I did force myself to hang my food bag a ways downwind from camp, but even that probably wasn’t more than thirty feet. 

I just now took two more ibuprofen, recounting the pills to reestablish my rationing plan. The sun isn’t even set, but this is where I’ll have to stay for the rest of the night. I can’t manage another step, much less another mile. Hopefully my ankle progresses some tonight, and the inflammation goes down. I’ve got a good distance still to go before I make it to the trailhead where I left my car. Emily isn’t expecting me home for another two days, but I told her the hike could take as long as a week. My food supply is starting to dwindle. I can’t have too many more days where I make this little progress.

Day 3, Part 3 (I think)

It’s dark outside. I don’t actually know what time it is, but it’s been dark for a while. I woke up to a loud sniffing sound outside my tent, followed by a low guttural growl. It was deep and rumbling. Soft but careless footfalls padded their way around my tent, the snapping of sticks and crunching of leaves marked its slow journey around my tent. A journey punctuated by the beast sniffing the air; taking in the scent of its terrified prey. I didn’t dare turn on my headlamp. Panicked as I was, I knew not to bring any more attention to myself, and a beam of light shaking inside the tent would be the worst thing I could do. I sat up, my sleeping bag falling forgotten around my waist. A cold sweat beaded to trickle down my brow. The pain and throb of my ankle momentarily gone. Only this new threat existed in my world. I could feel my skin tighten like needle pricks covering my body. More sniffing, followed by a deep and distinctly canine throaty grumble. The body of the beast leaned into the right side of my tent, showing the imprint of fur as it grazed past. The moon, full and bright in a cloudless night sky, cast distorted shadows against my tent’s walls. I could make out the silhouette of tree branches high above me, then a massive shape passed over, blocking out all definition. It did not linger. For less than a second the beast blocked out the moon light, as though it stood up, looming over me. In that moment I could hear its wet breath, ragged with an excited rage. Saliva dripped from its maw to slowly roll down the tent’s wall, and a reek flooded in. An unnaturally thick smell of wood and rot and blood and death fell heavy upon me.

As quickly as the shadow came, it was gone, leaving only the shadows of the moonlit tree branches dancing on a light breeze.The smell was slowly replaced by the natural odor of the outdoors. A breathless moment passed, then another. I didn’t dare make a sound, but I did finally take in a silent gasp of air. It felt like a lifetime, minutes creeping by like years; frozen in fear and staring straight ahead while I waited for the impending attack. The beast was still in the woods, sitting and waiting. I was expecting my tent to be torn around me, and then I would see death as it fell upon me. My heart was pounding, I was sure the animal, the monster, outside my tent could hear it and know that I was afraid. Sweat slicked my hair and ran in beads down my body. But no attack came. No death bared its grotesque fangs. 

It has been at least an hour since I woke up expecting to die. I heard the monster once more, deeper in the woods giving another haunting growl. I could have sworn I also heard a faint whistle from the same general direction, but it must have been an early morning bird singing from a high branch. I didn’t even try to sleep, I knew it would be futile. I may never sleep again. As I write, the sun is starting to light the morning sky. A red sky. It’s officially day four. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of here. My phone has no reception. I know I won’t be able to walk very far again today (the pain in my ankle has come back in full force.) And now I know there’s some terrible beast out here. It’s close, and there is nothing I can do. I don’t know how I’m still alive this morning. I don’t know how I’m going to make it another night.

Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy – A Silent Ambush Killer of Young Cats: A Warning and Words of Advice.

As some of you may know, we recently lost our sweet little 2 yo kitty named Toad. This heart-wrenching loss had my 10yo daughter in tears for weeks. She still draws pictures of him and talks about him like an old friend that she misses. Toad was a very social cat who loved my daughter, hung out in her room, and slept with her every night. One morning, Tony came downstairs and announced that Toad was no longer using his back legs. We rushed him to work, gave him all the pain medications, and determined his back legs would likely never work again and would start to die due to lack of blood flow – they were cold and hard and PAINFUL! This led to a very tearful euthanasia where I had to watch my daughter clutch his sedated (due to the level of pain he was in) body against her chest and sob into his soft fur. And then I gave the final injection.

While Toad probably would have never lived a long kitty life, we possibly could have kept him going much longer than we did had we known what was coming. Toad died of a young cat disease known as “Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy” (HCM) where the heart muscle becomes TOO thick and, therefore very little blood is pumped each time and the increased turbulence increases the risk for clots. Toad’s presentation is the most common way to discover this disease in young cats – a fatal blood clot to the aorta at the point where it splits off into the hind legs. The clots can partially or fully block blood flow to the back legs. In Toad’s case, the legs were cold and hard, therefore, no blood was getting to them.

So, how can you prevent this tragedy from happening to your family?

  1. Have your new cat/kitten evaluated by a vet for a heart murmur. (Toad never had one, but it’s good to know anyway)
  2. Have your new feline check for a chemical that is released when the heart is stressed. It’s a test called proBNP.
  3. If 1 and 2 are normal, GREAT! Keep an eye on your kitty.
  4. If #1 is not normal, but #2 is normal, keep an eye on your kitty and watch for early signs of heart disease like when they’re completely asleep (and not twitching with a dream or something) count the number of times they breathe in a minute – it should be less than 30 breaths per minute. If it’s more, contact your vet.
  5. If #2 is not normal, think about having an echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart) or a work up at a cardiologist to determine what the next step is and whether your kitty needs to be on medication.

If you’re rescuing a cat from the shelter or from the streets, there’s not a lot you can do to prevent this condition other than making sure to feed it a commercial cat diet that’s balanced for cats and has the amino acids required to keep the heart healthy – but if genetics are in play, the diet won’t really change the outcome. If you’re purchasing a cat breed (specifically Ragdoll and Maine Coon), make sure you find out if the breed is predisposed to heart conditions and then grill the snot out of the breeder and make sure the parents and grandparents have been tested for heart conditions before purchasing. After this whole ordeal, we got his sister, Popcorn (pictured with him as a kitten) and she’s all okay with no signs of heart disease. Now, I’m trying to encourage people to avoid this horribly traumatic experience themselves by recommending testing for young cats.

After his death, I performed a necropsy to confirm my suspicions and give myself solace for putting him down (sometimes, even when you’re sure, you still doubt “Did I just kill my daughter’s cat for the wrong reason???”). Sure, enough, I found a very large clot wedged in the descending aorta along with branches of the clot going into both femoral arteries, effectively shutting off all blood supply to both legs. I also found his heart, which was greatly enlarged with the left ventricle (the one that makes the big pump to the whole body) grossly thickened to the point where almost no blood could be pumped each time. The only thing I can even remotely think of as far as symptoms that I missed was that he was a very active kitten and eventually got to be a sleepy/cuddly cat while his sister continued her tortuous reign on the outdoor small rodent population. I thought this was just his personality, but, looking back, he was probably tired all the time due to lack of oxygen/blood to his body.

***** Warning! Pictures of Toad’s necropsy (autopsy) to follow ******

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#grosspictures coming!

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STOP SCROLLING IF YOU ARE EASILY GROSSED OUT

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Seriously! STOP! Blood! Gore!

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But it’s a REALLY good visual of how everything failed for poor Toad

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This is a picture of the clot sitting in the fork at the end of the descending aorta. It splits into right and left hind legs.
This is a cross section through the middle of the heart – see how little space there is to fill with blood to be pumped?

Fat Cats Cost Fat Stacks

I’m not good at estimating things, but I’d say about 90% of the pets I see are overweight to obese. Owners don’t like to hear this, though. If they could just have a big eyed, furry thing to pet and feed forever, that would be their ideal life. The animal wants the food, it makes them “happy” and if baby is happy, owner is happy, but the animal doesn’t seem to really ENJOY the food typically and just wolfs it down and looks for more like “I can’t believe that’s all you’re going to give me” and the big eyes instill guilt, we feed, feel happy, then guilt for not giving more, and so the cycle continues. Unfortunately as they get older, or even some at a much younger age, the extra weight can cause so many more problems.

Dan, the office cat: OBESE 19.5lb – should be about 12lb

People tend to judge how much their pet should weigh based on their breed (or perceived breed) and their parents’ sizes. I often hear “well, how big should he be for his breed?” or “well, his daddy was HUGE – with a head *THIS* big and was 195lb!!” There are a few problems with this theory. 1: every breed has a wide range of what can be normal (height, thickness, etc) , 2: every individual gets different genetics and may not end up as large as their parents (or could be larger) – My parents were both 5’11” and I ended up 5’8″. 3: just because the parent was 195lb, that doesn’t tell me if that parent was an ideal body condition and not also obese.

X-ray of a very obese dog. Looks like a baked potato with legs

In general, you should be able to feel your pet’s ribs, but not see them. So, especially with those super fluffy critters, you’ll have to put your hands on them to decide if they’re too fat/skinny. Have them stand up, then run your fingers down their ribs. You should be able to easily feel the ribs without pressing, but not feel any depressions between them, like the back of your hand. If you have to push through flesh to feel the bones like you would on your wrist, your pet needs to lose weight. If you can feel spaces between their ribs like your fingers, your pet needs to gain weight.

Here’s an equation to figure out how much your pet needs to eat in a day (not just their pet food, but you have to include EVERY calorie that goes in their mouths – food dropped, just a little snack while cooking, kids feeding them, treats every time they go outside and use the bathroom, the cat’s food when you leave it out for them to steal, etc, etc). Remember, a 100 calorie snack for an adult human could be 50% of a small animal’s daily needs. So, even just a little bite for you could be enormous for our pets. And don’t be fooled by the pet who is ALWAYS hungry. Unlike us, they have no concept of “being healthy” other than “EAT WHEN YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THERE WILL BE FOOD AGAIN!!!!” Remember, a dog/cat has about the intelligence of a three year old child, so we have to be their brains and think of their health for them.

Catina is a small framed cat. She weighs about 8.5lb but should be about 6lb.

Daily calorie needs for your pet = 70 x (Ideal body weight in kg)^0.75

*********DOG FOOD BAGS LIE!!!!! DON’T FOLLOW THOSE INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!**************

** weight in lb/2.2 = weight in kg

** Ideal weight = body weight – (body weight x %overweight)

  • with % overweight = anywhere from 10-40% overweight (ask your vet)
  • So, 42lb beagle that is OBESE is about 40% over weight, so ideal body weight = 42 – (42×0.4) = 25.2lb
  • So, a 42lb beagle that should only weight 25lbs, 25/2.2 = 11.4kg
  • calories = 70 x (11.4kg)^0.75 = 70(6.2) = 434 calories per day
  • To make it a little easier for you, here’s a chart (This is for ADULT animals, not growing/lactating/pregnant – Also, this is IDEAL weight, not their current weight if they’re obese)
  • Talk to your vet to get your pet’s ideal weight
Popcorn is a perfect weight – she’s an average frame cat and weighs about 9lb

Our pets do not live very long (10-15 years for most dogs; 15-20 years for most cats), so giving them the healthiest lifestyle keeps them happier for those years. Arthritis and diabetes are common sequelae to being overweight as well and breathing difficulty in the short squat dogs like French and English bulldogs. Osteoarthritis leads to many many euthanasias and dogs that are overweight are GOING to have more mobility issues and will start getting them much earlier in their lives. Mobility issue leads to being unable to get up from laying down, walk over hard floors, navigate stairs – making owners have to carry dogs to go outside to the bathroom (think apartment living), bed sores, other injuries from slipping and falling, infections around skin folds around rectum, penis, vulva. Diabetes treatment requires twice daily insulin injections, multiple vet visits to get insulin regulated, regimented note taking and nursing care, and, of course, more money. (Just think of all the money you could have saved by NOT feeding your dog all those extra treats AND diabetes/arthritis therapy!)

This hippo is a bit on the thin side…

Cats that are overweight will start with arthritis, but you may not see it (see my last blog on pet pain) until you start noticing your cat urinating or defecating outside the litterbox. Inappropriate urinating and defecating is one of the leading causes of cat euthanasia – and it all could just be because it hurts to walk into the litterbox or get into position to poop. Obese cats will also develop diabetes ($$$$), stop being able to groom themselves, leading to mats in the hair, grumpy cats, and infections around their rear from feces and urine sitting on their skin.

The most loving and money saving thing you can do for your pets is to stay ahead of the problems – flea/tick/heartworm preventative, vaccines, and keeping them at a healthy weight are the absolute minimum for giving your pet the healthiest and longest life you can. You may feel like they love you more if you feed them, but they don’t really associate food with love. Over feeding them can border on cruelty and abuse. You are their caretaker. You control what they eat – 100% – you can show your love more than anything in the world by keeping them at a healthy weight. You can do this!

Happy healthy dog!

His leg fell off, but I don’t think he’s in PAIN! W.T.F.

Sick kitty – she’s down and out in the middle of the kitchen where the dogs normally eat – she was euthanized this day

I recently had a case where an animal had all the skin stripped off it’s paws which were now red, bleeding, and swollen. I comforted the owner after they asked me if I was going to close the wounds and informed them we would be unable to close due to all the flesh being torn from the pads, but not to worry, we would get the animal on antibiotics and pain meds until it heals. The owner looked at me like I was crazy and said “well, I don’t think he’s in any pain, except where your assistant took his temperature in his butt”.

Whale eye – the pain to come when leg knocked off

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time I’ve had an owner deny their pets’ pain. It wasn’t even, likely, the first time that day. I have made a Tiktok video about it:

https://www.tiktok.com/@dremilythomas/video/7186334895428488491?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7239346327908697642

So, let’s talk about pain for a second. Animals are different than us. Not in that they don’t feel pain, but that they are NOT going to show pain like we will. We live in a society where 1. we expect a fix for every ailment we have thanks to modern medicine and 2. others in our circle will take care of us if we are out of commission. Animals, on the other hand are 1. Not going to ask for help because they don’t even know help is an option (my eye fell out? oh, well, guess we’ll try to eat and not die from it) and 2. are fighting for survival, or, at least feel like they are, even with us. House cats, believe it or not, are actually prey for many animals – large birds, foxes, coyotes, wolves, etc. but aren’t the easiest prey, so showing pain could mean being more likely hunted or targeted by those predators. Dogs, going back to pack mentality, may be taken out of the pack if they show pain or at least taken down on the totem pole of hierarchy. If you’ve ever had multiple dogs in a household and seen what happens when one cries out or whimpers and the other dogs run up on him, not to see if he’s okay, but to hover over him intimidatingly and possibly attack depending on the personality.

Whale eye #2 – this indicates stress OR pain. Like the stress and pain of being crushed by your self-obsessed sibling

So, animals have good reasons NOT to show pain. They don’t know if they show pain, you will help them. They may be thinking we’ll get rid of them if they do or they might not get fed, or who knows what they’re thinking. Animals will also, notoriously, get 99% better when they go out in public or come to the vet. We see it all the time, animals who are reportedly dying at home, show up to the clinic, running around, wagging their tail. I don’t automatically think the owner was lying, I just think the adrenaline and survival skills of the animal has kicked in and they animal doesn’t want to show weakness. Just like me and you when you’re not feeling well, but good enough to go to work and you pretend to be peppy and spry around your co-workers or clients. Why? I’m not sure. Am I afraid someone will send me home?? Please! Am I afraid people won’t like me if I’m not 100%? Maybe. But we all do it, so why not expect animals to do the same thing?

Hiding – if this cat were in pain I would expect more curled up tight in the back, avoiding contact

So, here’s a list of signs that your animal is sick or in pain. Some will seem simple and straight forward, but I wouldn’t be making this list if people didn’t have a hard time seeing it.

  1. Not using a body part. Limping but not whining? Still in pain. Squinting, or closing the eye. I’ve seen dogs walk into the clinic, tail wagging, with the obviously fractured leg just dangling in the wind and STILL not vocalizing.
  2. Change in behavior. Suddenly avoiding you or other animals in the household, more fearful or aggressive, not wanting to eat, play, not jumping up when you’re about to go for a walk. Going in and out of the house or litterbox several times (could indicate diarrhea or urinary issues)
  3. Change in posture. Hunching, lowered ears, head, tail, curled up tight in a ball, not wanting to lay down, pacing, trying to lay, then pacing again. Standing with chest on the ground and butt in the air – typical of stomach pain.
  4. Panting, pacing, trembling, shaking, wide “whale eye” where you can see the whites of their eyes like they’re worried.
  5. Overgrooming/licking an area. This is super common with cats who will groom their under bellies bald if they have abdominal or urinary pain. Also, allergy areas of the paws, a wound, swelling. Sometimes they will even aggressively bite at and rip hair out of a body part that is hurting or irritating them.
  6. Teeth grinding or bruxism – this horrible sound from their mouth can indicate stomach pain.
  7. Drooling, eyes tearing, or liquid generally seeping out when or where it’s not supposed to.
  8. Swelling, bleeding, redness, hot to the touch (make sure to compare both sides of the body to make sure it’s not just you – you’d be surprised how many perfectly normal fat pads over the hips I’ve diagnosed when the owner only noticed one side being big)
Squinting (this is a cheat – Catina has no eyes)
A cat who hangs out by or near the litterbox more often
This bear avoiding the family and heat seeking (just a stuffed bear but doesn’t he look forlorn?)
Laying in the coffin can be another sign.

I’m sure there’s more signs that I’m not thinking of right now, but this is a good list for now. Basically, animals don’t show pain very much – always playing it cool – and if you ever notice anything different, take them to the vet and have them evaluate them. I’d much rather tell you you’re crazy, the animal is fine than have you wait until the leg is rotted off before you decide it might need attention.

**Side note** – a lot of orthopedic pain issues can be helped by having your animal at the ideal body weight – unlike this obese clinic cat who is likely contributing to orthopedic/musculoskeletal pain of the small child trying to hold him. #weloveyoudan

Here’s a picture of a very healthy, non-painful dog – happily just finished a 4 mile mountain trail run. Head, ears, tail up, back straight, wide based stance.

Also, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT give your animal human pain medication unless under the direction of a veterinarian. Most of them cause significant and immediate liver and/or kidney failure. This goes for you, too, Dr. Human Orthopedic surgeon, NO Celebrex! Even if all your human patients are on it! No!

New York, BaBY!

Last week, Tony and I made our first trip to New York EVER for his 40th birthday (and because my dad has been wanting us to go). I am a country girl, born and raised, with an unhealthy fear of anything new, unknown, or crowded. I don’t even like going to vet conferences where the parking is not an enormous football field-sized lot not to mention parking garages, traffic, subways, etc. New York City was about the last place on Earth I wanted to visit, but it still held a weird draw for me. I love so much that comes out of NYC – the art, the music, the entertainment, the people involved in all three, not to mention all the movies and shows centered around the city. So, I mentioned to my dad that I have a desire to go, but am terrified to go and just wish I had someone to show me around and he said “Me and Sheila (wife) like to go to NYC all the time, just come with us one time!” PERFECT!

The week before we were supposed to go to NYC, our bank account crashed. Between unexpected owed taxes (thanks National Healthcare for withholding information on subsidies when we signed up! Super fun!), a dying HVAC unit, animal control getting called on us for the pesky poodles escaping the underground fencing too many times and having to expedite a fence building, we were fresh out of money. Thank goodness the big ticket items had been paid ahead of time (flight and hotel), other costs, like the incredibly high prices of things like… well, EVERYTHING in NYC, would have to go on our credit card #cringe and we would certainly not be walking into a single store. So, creativity and lots of walking it is!

Day 1:

We landed and I giddily opened the window of the plane to look out over the wonder of a huge city I’ve only seen on TV only to see a blanket of white fog that only allowed me to see to the end of the runway. Oh well. We met up with my dad and Sheila in the airport (they had just arrived from Georgia) and shared an Uber together. I was so relieved to not have to experience the whole “call and Uber” and find where they were going to pick us up and not know if a tip was needed, etc – I really am a child when I step out of my comfort zone. They took us right to the front doors of our hotel and we stepped out into the rain and checked in. Then rode the elevator up to the 15th floor, opened the door to our luxury romantic getaway birthday celebration king suite only to be met with the smell that I can only compare to when you forget to take the garbage out before you go on vacation for a week. I looked at Tony with the stench face on and he just says “I think this is just how New York smells”.

Our first glimpse at the beautiful New York Skyline!

You probably are thinking, just like my dad asked me later when we met for dinner – “well, did you go and ask for a room change?” The answer is, as a perfectly sensible human being: “No! That would have required me talking to a stranger… again. I’ll just live with it and hope it goes away, I mean I’ve had jobs where I literally slept on a blanket in a horse stall and showered in a public restroom.” We opened the windows, searched the room for a dead rat or a rotting apple under the bed, but found nothing. Eventually, we grew “nose-blind” to it, until we left and came back again.

View from our first (smelly) room

After my initial meltdown that I was in a strange place, there were lots of people whom I was bothering just by being there, the rain, and a feeling of claustrophobia with all the buildings and just wanting a snack and coffee, we found a snack and coffee. Then, we met my dad for dinner and then went to the apartment they were renting for the trip and got to hear all about the finances required to live in Manhattan. This (very lavish) apartment was probably 1/2 the size of my house and they said easily a few $million$. THEN they told me that on top of the mortgage, you have to pay a monthly “building upkeep” fee of about $5000 – forever – even after you pay off your mortgage. Then we enjoyed the wondering of Crumbl Cookies – a huge cookie that was amazing! Highly recommend.

After a quick nap, we got all dolled up and went to check the first item off my list – go dancing at a club! It was Retro NYC and only played music from the 70s, 80s, and 90s, and only opened the doors at 10pm – hence the nap. I mean, my dad eats dinner at 5:30. This club wasn’t exactly what I had wanted to experience – the big giant clubs I’ve only seen in music videos where people are dancing in cages – it was quite tiny, maybe the size of my living room, but was SO much fun! I drank before we went so I wouldn’t have to spend a ton of money on alcohol and between that and my trying SO hard to embrace the my world, my rules thing I talked about in a previous blog, I literally danced like no one was watching (nobody here knew me anyway). We finally left around midnight (because we’re old) because the club was getting so crowded, you could barely move. And after we stepped out of that club and made the penny pinching decision to walk the 2.5 miles… at midnight… in downtown NYC, we learned a very valuable lesson about NYC = no matter how you feel, you PEE before you leave a place. Tony’s bladder decided it had worked too hard about 3 blocks away from the club – with only 30 more blocks to go and ZERO public restrooms in NYC, we started hoofing it to our hotel. I tried to talk him into going into the open McDonalds there, but he refused because you don’t go to McDonalds when visiting NYC. With his bladder on fire, he still made me stop at Radio City to get pictures. We considered running over to Central Park, but just knew a cop would pop out just in time, also we’ve seen enough Law and Order SVU we didn’t want to find a body.

Despite the streets of NYC being surprisingly empty at midnight on a Saturday night, one person surfaced just in time to see me holding Tony’s hand in support of his aching bladder and toss a snarky comment “how sweet!” which just made us laugh because of the one time 15 years ago a girl in a liquor store made fun of us for wearing striped sweaters together (which we then looked at each other, realized we matched and laughed). After lots of inspirational talking about getting through this and “just hold on!” and lots of sweating despite the wet 50 degrees that it was, we made it to our smelly hotel room, Tony made it to the bathroom, but just couldn’t make that 90degree turn to the toilet and released his bladder into the bathtub. Oh well.

Day 2:

We got up and I was ready to tackle the second thing on my NYC to-do list – get Bagels! We Yelp.com’d it and found a place called Zucker’s Bagels and we planned to pick up breakfast on the way to Central Park. We happily strolled down the sidewalk, watching all the different people as we went, just as happy as clams, then got yelled at when we arrived at the bagel shop. Now, I’m sure, if you’re used to NYC, it was just a polite greeting, but if you’re (me) from the south, I thought I might just melt on the sidewalk as someone in the bagel shop yelled at us to get out and not block the door. So, we waited like dejected dogs outside until enough people came out for us to stick our noses in and see if we got scolded again. We ordered our bagels and coffee, were promptly corrected not to order coffee here (like idiots), fearfully asked for coffee where we were told to and paid without any further abuse.

Bagels and coffees in hand, only a little emotionally worse for wear, we walked our happy selves down to Central Park. As we were coming up to it, I saw a very slight woman, looking worse for wear, holding one of those silver/metallic blankets around herself to keep warm and I thought “awe, she must be homeless”. Then, as we approached the entrance to the park, we noticed a LOT of people wearing those flashy blankets and figured out they were in the middle of the Shape+ women’s marathon. So we made our way inside the park (which is MUCH larger and convoluted than I ever imagined) to find a nice place to sit and eat our bagels. Unfortunately, due to NYC being the rainiest city we’d been too (and Seattle was the sunniest – at least the one week we were there), all the benches were wet and we didn’t think ahead. So, we walked until we were away from most of the crowd, and just like any other awkward couple, we found some benches right next to this very peaceful looking lady meditating, set our bagels down next to her and starting scarfing down.

Maybe it was the close proximity in an 800+ acre park or the smell of my smoked fish, wasabi, and everything bagel, but the sweet meditating lady got up and left quite quickly after we arrived. After we finished, we started walking around the park, avoiding getting run over by runners and cyclers everywhere. We got a few good pictures before the rain started up again and had to go back to the hotel, completely soaked, again. Let me tell, nothing smells better than a smelly room when most of your clothes are wet and you’ve added humidity to the ambiance.

After we returned to our smelly room and took a good nap, we decided to attend an open-mic women’s-only comedy club. This was AMAZING! Tony was the only man there, there were probably only like 30 people total and all of the comics were hilarious and it was neat to see people who were being so much braver than I was that day putting themselves up there for the first time ever in some cases.

We left and went to our reservation at a Thai restaurant. The seating was TIGHT. I was seated right next to another couple with just a piece of plexiglass between us. It was tight, but the food was SO good! Fried curry balls and fried tofu in peanut sauce was amazing! One thing we figured out in NYC was that making reservations at most restaurants was both easy and necessary. It was almost impossible to just walk up to a restaurant and get seating. But going onto my Yelp app, selecting a place, then just click the time you want to go and your party size and that’s it! No horrendous calling and TALKING to people!

Day 3:

We decided that with possibly the only sunny day here, we would make this our super touristy sight seeing day. But we started with the most unnecessary stress. When we woke up and my nose was burning from the rotten garbage smell, we decided that enough was enough… 1 hour before we had to meet my dad for a breakfast reservation that he’d had for literally, months. We ran downstairs, I fearfully told the front desk lady our conundrum, and despite my fears that she’d be like “Tough luck, STUPID. Hahahahahahahahahah! Also, you will now be billed double!!” she, instead said “Okay, would you like to change rooms? We’ll send a man up to help you move your bags in a few minutes.” So we ran back up to our room, threw everything into our bags and waited, nervously because we still had to walk 20 blocks to the restaurant. We waited, I paced, we waited, I paced, then when we only had 15 minutes, Tony ran back down to the front desk where the lady was just waiting on us with the new keys. I took the bags up to the new floor we’d be on, met Tony with the keys, we chunked our bags in our new (NOT smelly) room and dashed out the door. We walked as fast as we could, but were still 14 minutes late – getting there just within the 15 minutes over window. We were so happy to not lose our reservation in the extremely fancy little breakfast place as we were swapping the drenching sweat off our faces with the fine linen napkins and guzzling the water gracefully poured into stemmed glasses.

Sunrise from our new, not smelly room

After an amazing breakfast of ridiculously thick French toast that was easily 45K calories, we parted from my dad and went strolling down 6th avenue, being as touristy as possible, taking all the pictures of the amazing buildings (though we would find a spot out of the way of foot traffic to take the pictures), passed by shops selling things I was afraid to look at for fear I would be charged a fee, bakeries with goods so amazing looking they could have come off the set of a movie, people of every shape, size, and color, speaking 10 different languages, and the smells!! Maybe it was because it had been raining for 2 days and all the organic material was rinsed and trapped in the cracks of the pavement and rotting, but NYC didn’t smell too good. I never in my life thought I would describe a smell as “burnt ice cream” but that’s the first thing that came to mind along with the odors of trash, flowering trees, occasionally fish, and the overpowering fragrances coming out of those expensive shops that made me a little nauseated.

We found her!!

I was so excited to see the Empire State Building, having done a project on it and it’s construction. I was scanning the skyline as we approached where it said it was on the map. I was sure I would be able to see it in all it’s glory from far away, just like you see in all the pictures. Then, we walked right past it. When we looked back and saw that we were right upon it, I was a little disappointed. There was a huge line to get into the building and since you had to pay to go up there and we had no money (or patience to stand in line, really), we took our pictures and then moved on. It was a pretty building though. We then made our way to The Highline.

Empire State Building

The Highline was a really neat idea – they turned an old railroad into a walking path that is about 1-2 stories above ground and walks you through a couple of neighborhoods, apartment buildings, parks, and the entire way has been gardened to bring plant life and beauty to the area of the city. There are also some awesome architecture and art pieces showcased including a painting of Gandhi and Mother Teresa. It’s a nice little walk where you don’t have to worry about cars or bikes going about, but there were a LOT of people.

Waiting for Tony to figure out where to go next

After our long walk to The Highline and along it, we made our way back to the building where we were going to see “The Daily Show” filmed!! I was so excited about this, having watched the show since high school and we were READY to get in line and wait to be let in. We walked by the place around 30 minutes before we were supposed to be there, and it was like a deserted island, maybe even a tumbleweed or two. So, we went to get a drink and sit in a local park to rest for a bit. We walked around what appeared to be a local school playground, looking nothing if not suspicious, then eventually went back to check on how the line was forming. But, to our dismay, nothing. Was this one of those secret entrance things where you had to have a special knock and a password? Was NYC playing a prank on just me and other suckers who thought they could dare be involved with something like this? Was this actually just “The Daily Show” warehouse and the studio is in New Jersey??? So, desperately, I looked at my phone where it SAID I had tickets and found out we weren’t supposed to arrive for another TWO HOURS. This is so me.

I can’t watch this because I’ll get sick

So, even though our feet hurt, we were tired from walking almost 10 miles already, we decided to go back to our hotel and re-group. So, back 20 blocks to our hotel, stopping at a little grocery store (which was likely the largest one in Manhattan) and buying some crap cookies compared to the Crumbl cookies and a jug of milk for a pre-gaming snack. I did a quick “whore bath” (a term I learned from a friend here in Virginia – where you just wash what people can see and smell – face and pits), changed clothes, put on even less comfortable shoes (because they went with the outfit), then marched the 20 blocks BACK to the studio where, thank goodness, people were starting to line up and there were people there to check us in WHEW!

So, we got in, were herded to the bathroom (because no peeing while taping), then herded to a waiting room, then into the studio. We were allowed to take pictures before it started, but had to put them away once it started. Then, a “warm-up” comedian came out to rile the crowd, picked on some crowd members, got us trained to laugh and clap, then, finally, we got to see Dulce

The show was amazing! Dulce was amazing, but the writers were all going on strike that day and so there would be no more shows for Dulce even though this was her first time hosting and we weren’t going to be able to see the other show we had signed up for (Late Night with Seth Meyers) – stupid writers wanting to get what they deserve!

Day 4:
The next day was back to rainy, but not as bad, so we went to get breakfast at a place that did not require reservations, was not nearly as expensive, did not have a super fancy atmosphere, but was just about as good of food. We went for another walk in Central Park as it wasn’t raining at that time. Then the rain came again. So, we saw this area where you could descend stairs and get under a bridge to get out of the rain for a second. In doing so, we discovered the most AMAZING area! My dad had told us when we got there that NYC was like no other place he’d been to in that you could just be wandering around and find the most amazing muscicians or performers just setting up in the middle of nowhere and he was right! We walked down some concrete stairs to this unassuming underpass situation and were greeted by a simply beautifully decorated area that felt like we had just stepped into the Systine Chapel in Italy. Columns, painted tiles, the ceiling was ornate (I don’t know all the proper terms for these things, but it was PURDY!). People were milling about, some, like us were looking for a way out of the rain, some were taking engagement/senior/prom/modeling pictures, but in the center of it all was a man just sitting on a fold out chair playing what I think was a mandolin. And he was GOOD. We went from being out in the dreary wet city and literally walked into what felt like a fantasy land (minus all the picture taking).

On our way out, we decided to use the restroom right outside this area (because never leave a public restroom without using it in NYC) and as I came out of the women’s room, Tony was looking sheepish. I asked him what was going on and he told me he was taking a picture of the scenery and then realized he had the camera pointed straight into the women’s restroom. So, we hurried out of that area and met my dad and Sheila to tour more of Central park before the rain started coming down even harder and we went back to the hotel room.

Where John Lennon got shot

Later that afternoon, we went to meet my dad and Sheila for dinner at a Mexican restaurant and got to see a most pitiful site of a lady pushing a stroller with a toddler and begging a very tired looking (do they ever look spry?) Bassett hound named Sampson to get up off the very crowded sidewalk and keep walking. (Side note: Bassetts and bulldogs probably not a great pet to have to walk distance). Then we followed Sheila for 20ish blocks to see Rockefeller Center, a huge, beautiful cathedral (where you had to pay to pray), and then to BROADWAY, BABY!!! This was definitely on my major To Do list in coming to NYC. And! We got to see Moulin Rouge!!!! It was even more amazing than I anticipated! I expected it to have Broadway songs that were great, but that I wouldn’t recognize, like most musicals, but this was full of modern music and the DANCING!! I cannot express how visually astounding this show was! I even went home afterwards and stalked all the actors on Instagram! I was just so impressed that these people do this show EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. and sometimes twice on Wednesday or Sundays and still acted like it was their opening night with their energy and enthusiasm. As a vet, I get to do different things and new adventures every day and still have a bad attitude sometimes and drag my feet.

After the show, we walked to Time Square, saw all the amazing lights and commercials, got to see some performers, but were mostly just walking through. I was about full on my commotion scale as an extroverted introvert. We found a bar to finish the night in. I calculated that a bottle of sparkling wine has 6 glasses in it and it was $17/glass, therefore, we’d “save” money if we just bought a whole bottle ($69). Tony ordered and Old Fashioned and we got two orders of fries and the bill was $135! Anywho, a whole bottle, though more economical for the wallet, was expensive to my liver. We had a GREAT time talking and even worked out a few more kinks in our relationship issues, but my body eventually rejected the evening and Tony had to care for me (the best husband).

Day 5:

Thanks to Tony and my diligent “drink as much water as you can every time you wake up through the night” I wasn’t too sick the next morning and we sought out the same diner with the great food, no wait, and no one yelling at us to get out. Then, thanks to my brave husband, we tackled my next biggest NYC fear: the subway. Tony figured it all out on his phone while I was sleeping and it was really easier than I thought it would be. We got on our very first NY subway and started riding toward the Battery (where you can get on a ferry to see the Statue of Liberty – I didn’t know what it was called either).

On our second stop on the subway, a man jumps on the train with an accordion and started playing. He had his tip jar taped to the front of his accordion and seemed to be doing a pretty good job despite the jostling motions of the train. A very nice couple gave him $5 and it was all downhill from there. Once money was given, he played for another 30 seconds or so and then started his rant on how NYC was failing. According to this, what I can only imagine, very reputable economist, too many people are coming into NYC illegally and earning money illegally by not purchasing permits or paying taxes while raking in the profits of street performing. He then went on to let the poor couple, who has now been subjected to his rant for $5, know that HE was, in fact an illegal performer as he should not be allowed on the subway to perform for money. The poor couple then tried to get off at the next stop, but were followed by the accordion man. #lessonlearned

So, we got to the Battery, took pictures of the Statue of Liberty (didn’t get on the ferry because 1. sea sickness and 2. money) walked around, saw the financial district, the bull where there was a longer line to take pictures with the bull’s testicles than his head. Then we walked up the Brooklyn bridge which was really neat and crowded.

This is as close as we’re getting
Pidgeon wanting our coffee snacks

Then we went to the 911 memorial which was really impressive. It definitely brought back memories of when it happened. I was a senior in photography class and the teacher told us what was happening and that he wasn’t allowed to turn on the TV -but he did anyway. Seeing it on TV was horrifying, but when you’re actually there on the ground and just thinking about one of these behemoth buildings (not to mention two) coming down and ALL the people in and around it. And all the clean up for YEARS and all the tragedy and people… It’s just unfathomable. Of all things, I was brought to tears by the little survivor tree. It was the only living thing around the fallen building found after debris was cleared and was saved. You can still see where most of the branches were broken off and have grown new ones since.

Damaged globe found in wreckage

After that, we got on the subway and went to see Little Island which is this ridiculously adorable little park that looks straight out of a Super Mario Bros. world.

Finally, we made our way back to the hotel via the subway, but had to get off 10 blocks early because my terrible motion sickness. That night was Tony’s birthday, we got pizza at a local shop, made our way back to Central park, sat in Strawberry Fields and listened to a lady playing Beatles songs. We walked a little more in Central park and ended our night early, got Tony’s favorite $5 cookie, Levain, and went back to the hotel. The next morning, I got up early, went to get bagels and coffee, then we shared another Uber with my dad and went back to the airport.

That was NYC!

A few impressions about NYC:

I don’t remember who this is, but he takes holding bird nests VERY seriously
  1. The people are generally BEAUTIFUL – I have theories that A: in that section of the world, you have to have money to live there and can, therefore afford nice clothes, makeup, other healthy things to keep you looking nice B: The eclectic mix of races and shapes and sizes of people make a beautiful kaleidoscope – like a candy store for the eyes. And C: you can’t be lazy there, you have to walk almost everywhere which made most people pretty athletically built.
  2. As a southerner and country girl, I’ve always heard stuff about “city folk” being wimpy and not used to the outdoors. Go to any small town in a rain storm or cold weather and see cars dropping people off at the store front, people avoiding going out at all, letting their dogs out in the back yard to fend for themselves. People in NYC are outside whatever the weather. Street vendors just chilling out in the wind and rain, people still walking to work, taking their dogs out every time they have to go to the bathroom. There is zero change in the foot traffic weather it’s freezing, rainy, ice, snow, hot. NYC folk are tough. (AND, again, there are no public restrooms, so they have to have adapted to holding it).
  3. Living in NYC, at least Manhattan is beyond expensive. An apartment there costs a couple of $million to start, but with the building maintenance fees, you’re looking at around $10K per month. When I asked around about what vets make in the area, it was only $125K-250K. Being a DOCTOR, serving people who make more money than imaginable, you still wouldn’t be able to afford living there. You would have to commute from hours away just to make ends meet, and likely still get harassed about the cost of your services and your heartless ways. No, thanks.
  4. So, NY, you’re pretty cool and I’m not ready to say that I LOVE you, but I’ll text ya!
I thought this was funny having a Boston holding the NYC symbol

“I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash”

So, things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows and learning to navigate that can be challenging. Even though my life is pretty damn good, I still have rough patches where I cannot see or appreciate that. Just like a diabetic forgetting insulin and going into a ketoacidotic crisis, a person on certain medications for mental illness skipping doses can cause a different sort of crisis. One night, when I had run out of my antidepressant/anxiety medication the night before, (my fault) I was increasingly irritable, everything set me off and finally I just went to bed because I was in such a dark place all I wanted to do was cry. As I lay in bed, crying and trying to talk myself out of going and getting a knife and opening a vein – mostly for the sanity of my kids not having a mother or having one who took her own life – I started telling myself “I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash” and oddly enough, I actually felt better. I just kept chanting it until my crying stopped and I fell asleep. The next few days, even though I started my drugs back again, every time I felt anxious, upset, not good enough, frustrated with whatever situation, I would just say that to myself and I calmed down. But why?

I posted it on a vet mom’s group and asked why that would make me feel better. I got some good answers, and they may all be correct, but this is what they said:

  1. Maybe it’s because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone that once you step back and acknowledge that you really aren’t that important, it’s almost a relief. Between my kids, my husband, my family, my clients, co-workers, bosses, friends, random social media critics/fans, etc, I try to be all I can be and it sometimes gets me so irritable that they still aren’t happy with me. I think when I can step back and remember that I’m not that important to them, I can take the pressure off of myself for not making them completely happy. Like, if I think about how I go home overwhelmed and upset about an interaction I’ve had with them, then think about how they probably aren’t thinking about me and I haven’t ruined their life, maybe I, too, can forget about it.
  2. I’m telling myself this to reaffirm the inner demon that tells me I’m not good enough. This one is a little darker and may have some truth to it, but normally when I’m diving headlong into a self sabotaging spiral, I feel worse and worse. Repeating the phrase here, though, made me feel better. Like, tears drying, wrenching gut relaxing, better.
  3. Maybe I just have too much self importance. I mean, don’t we all a little? Because you’re you and you live from your point of view, that MUST mean you’re meant for something big. You will have a great affect on the world. God wants you for something spectacular! But maybe I am just nobody. I had a friend once tell me that not everyone can be SOMEONE. Sometimes God just needs fillers or pawns or placeholders or just fluff. Which, definitely, at it’s heart is disheartening. But, at some point, maybe it’s a little bit of a relief to know you maybe don’t have THAT much responsibility in the world. Like, I love just working as an employee, especially when I see what my employers have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I’m okay with being nobody, nothing. (Okay, “trash” MAY be taking it too far and feeding my demons)

So, in conclusion: DON’T SKIP YOUR MEDS (check now to make sure you’re not about to run out). And maybe it’s okay to take some pressure off yourself. I know we all feel like we have to be the best at our job, the best looking companion for your spouse, the best and most devoted parent, on top of brushing your dog or cat’s teeth, keeping your house spotless and your kids bathed more than once weekly (who me?), and to ALWAYS treat others with patience and grace. But, one day, our gravesites (if you’ll have one) will be just some words on a stone and no one will know who you are or were (unless you were someone SUPER special) or whether you were nice to that one person that one day when you were exhausted and bitter. Forgive yourself, you’re really not anyone special (and that’s okay).

Cats: They’re Sensitive (and they’d like to stay that way)

Cats are funny creatures. So independent and in your face with their needs and desires. They seem so low maintenance. You just get a cat, some food and a litterbox and you’re set! Easiest pet you ever had!

Sweet Toad – the perfect cat – except that he’s a nasty bully to the other cats.

Oops, no! Sure, some cats are ridiculously low maintenance and use their litterbox all the time, eat, drink, don’t vomit on your important documents or pee on your laundry or chew on your electrical cords. But getting one that great from the get go and their staying that way is a gamble much like life insurance (or worse, short term disability insurance).

Spicy Penelope – except to other cats – she’s the target of their aggression

Litterbox habits: This is the number one behavioral complaint we get with cats. Now, I am no behaviorist, but will try to explain what I tell clients when they’re having trouble with urinating or defecating outside the litter box. First thing’s first: as a vet, I definitely want to make sure there’s nothing medical that is causing this issue. Urinary tract infections, cystitis (which can also be behavioral), arthritis, diabetes, kidney disease, crystals or stones, other health issues. So, we will start with bloodwork and urinalysis to rule out the easy ones. For arthritis, we may, next try X-rays or pain medication trial. Once we’ve ruled out medical reasons the cat may be giving you the fluffy finger, we’ll move on to behavior/social/psychological issues.

This is Delphi – she’s 18 and hyperthyroid and pees on our counters and herself – hence the bath.
  1. There’s a rule of thumb that you should have 1 litterbox per cat plus 1. So, if you are like me and have 5 cats, you should have a minimum of 6 litterboxes.
  2. If you have multiple cats, make sure to spread out the litterboxes in case one cat is secretly bullying another cat and chasing them out of the litterbox. I have multiple litterboxes on each level of my house, including the basement. If you have dogs, make sure the cat can get to the litterbox without a dogs nose up their butt waiting for the “fresh from the oven” treats. Consider a baby gate raised to 5-6 inches off the floor to allow the cat to scoot under, but not the dog – or if you have a small dog and young cat, baby gate on the floor.
  3. Some cats like the covered litterboxes, some feel claustrophobic. You’ll have to try different ones. Give different options. Regular open ones, closed ones, tupperware bin with a hole cut in the side, deep ones, shallow ones. Who cares? Cats. They care. A lot.
  4. Clean the boxes VERY regularly. At least once daily. Cats are bourgeoise and don’t want to use a dirty bathroom just like you.
  5. Try different litters. Some like the clumping, some don’t, mine hated the pelleted recycled stuff that was supposed to save the environment. Like many people, cats are more about themselves – tiny, soft, fluffy narcissists. (My cats really LOVE Dr. Elsey “Cat Attract” litter)
  6. Don’t keep the boxes where there’s a lot of noise, or commotion. Or, God forbid, change what’s in the room. My sister’s cat stopped using the litterbox in the laundry room when she got a new washing machine.
  7. A cat’s stress organ is their bladder. So, if something is stressing them out, the bladder will get inflamed and can even make them urinate blood without their having a bacterial urinary tract infection.

Food and water secrets: In general, cats are desert animals and are prone to not drinking enough which can lead to urinary and kidney issues.

  1. Offer water in several forms. Beautiful bowl you tediously picked out online that perfectly matches your décor and your cat’s unique personality? Complete garbage. Try leaving a disgusting dish in your shower to collect water haphazardly – they LOVE it! Leave a faucet dripping, leave a cup of water on the counter – they’ll drink it.. then dump it. Pretend to fix yourself a glass of ice water and look away for a few minutes. Run the shower for just a second and watch them happily clean the droplets off the walls. Cats are bougie, but also sometimes hipster.
  2. If you’re ever in the position to need to try to force feed your sick cat – remember this: whatever food you decide to use, your cat will HATE that food forever! So have an alternate food to offer to see if they will eat on their own and don’t use their regular food if they have special prescription diets that they need. Talk to your vet about options.
  3. Cats DON’T NEED MUCH FOOD. Really, most domestic animals are obese these days, but for the most part, cats only need about 200 kcal per day (average for a 10 lb/4.5kg cat +/- weight for tiny cats or TRUE Maine coons – talk to your vet to get an idea of what your cat should weigh). Look at your bag of cat food and figure out how many kcal/cup of food and calculate from there. Overweight cats lead to unhappy, sedentary, arthritic, diabetic kitties who can’t even groom themselves and have to get shaved or develop sores on their rears from excrement sticking to them.
This is Dan the clinic cat. Dan is 20 lb. Dan has an eating problem and needs to be on a diet.

Social order:

  1. Don’t TOUCH me! For a cat, the only acceptable place to be touched (until consent is fully achieved and a safe word is established) is the top of the head. This is the only place that they cannot groom themselves and will more readily accept touch on this area. So, if you’re first meeting a cat or trying to gain it’s trust, start with a little scratch on top of the head and then move on from there.
  2. Cats are like potato chips, you can’t just stop at one. Buuuuut… maybe you should. Yes, some cats LOVE companions, but for the most part, cats are solitary creatures that really need their own territory. If your cats aren’t getting along, you may need to establish their own territory complete with their own food, water, litter boxes, beds, toys, humans, etc. I recently thought I would be smart and get two kittens from the same litter so they would “love each other” and it totally worked for about a year. Now, they hate each other and break out in full on screaming, hair flying battles. We have 5 cats now and have to rotate who gets to be around humans between the main floor, the basement, and even the outdoors. Only my 18 year old dirty hippie kitty is accepted/picked on equally by the other four.
  3. Kitties seem like couch potatoes once they reach adulthood – happy to eat, drink, and sleep. In reality, cats get really bored really easily and to keep them mentally as well as physically healthy, it’s very important to keep them stimulated in their very controlled environment. My household does not allow for toys on the floor (per poodles), but a cat tree next to a window, a bird feeder to watch, laser pointers, SCRATCHING toys (flood them with scratching toys to keep them from shredding your furniture), toys with moving parts, there’s some mouse toys you can put their regular food in and hide throughout the house instead of in a bowl so they can feel like they’re hunting, there’s compressed catnip in a ball you can hang on the wall and they can rub/lick/play with it. Cats like tunnels, ramps to get to high places. Leave Amazon boxes on the floor for a few days, plastic or paper bags from shopping, kids’ canvas tunnels, tents, etc.
Popcorn, sibling to Toad. Hates Toad. And Penelope.

Dr. Elsey’s Cat attract litter: https://www.drelseys.com/products/cat-attract-litter/

Cat toy: https://www.chewy.com/doc-phoebes-cat-co-indoor-hunting-cat/dp/179101

Cat nip balls: https://www.amazon.com/Potaroma-Silvervine-Catnip-Healthy-Cleaning/dp/B08T7493WJ/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=2MIY8OB36U2B0&keywords=catnip%2Bballs&qid=1663263254&sprefix=catnip%2Bball%2Caps%2C118&sr=8-2-spons&th=1

“The Good Death”

The weird, complicated process that is ending suffering and why it’s NOT the worst part of my job.

***Since euthanasia can be a really sad subject, the pictures in this blog are animals who were saved from euthanasia***

I was going on my usual neighborhood run with the dogs and was coming up on a neighbor’s house who had a dog that I had treated recently. In my tired, oxygen deprived brain, I was thinking – like I had been for the past several weeks – “I wonder how Axle is doing? I should call them.” Then, I remembered with a sinking sensation: “Axle is gone, stupid, you euthanized him last week.” Then, of course, I spent the last agonizing miles going through all of his labs and imaging in my brain trying to figure out what had been wrong with him and if I had missed anything or if I could have done better somehow. This all got me to thinking though about the oddity that is euthanasia and all the weird components that go into it.

Merlin was brought in for euthanasia after his mother mangled his back leg when he was 3 days old. After a leg amputation that was like surgery on a chicken wing, he grew up and lived another 8.5 years before he succumbed to his joint issues.

The most common assumption about my job that I get is that euthanasias must be the hardest part of the job. For ME, for the vast majority of the cases, euthanasias are (and you’re going to hate me for this) actually one of the easier parts of the job. You don’t have to figure anything out, I have a set way I do it EVERY time, and the only challenge is hitting a vein – which I’ve gotten pretty good at. So, between the 19 year old cat that weighs 3lbs here for euthanasia or the 8 year old english bulldog with all the skin, ear, and eye problems and the owner who refuses to keep up on treatment and wanted to know why you couldn’t just give them antibiotics every 2 weeks? I’ll take that euthanasia, thank you.

Catina was brought in for euthanasia as a feral barn kitten with two ruptured eyes from a viral infection. After months of just sitting and reading a book aloud, her anger, fear, violent hissing/biting when handled went away and she is now the sweetest cat who loves attention

So, what’s wrong with me? Am I souless? Do I not care about the love and devotion people have put into their life time companion? Why do I not break down crying and sobbing with the owners every time I have to stop an animal’s heart with an injection and wonder if, when I die I will be punished or not? So, hear me out.

Penelope was saved from death after being brought in as a frozen kitten found in a ditch. Her heart stopped during revival and had to be resuscitated. Now she’s an ungrateful spicy kitty that is well loved.
  1. The vast majority of euthanasias are a good thing. Animals who have reached their limits of life’s comfort and are mostly miserable everyday. Pets and friends who no longer want to get out of bed, can’t keep food down, get confused about where they are, are becoming skeletal despite a good appetite, have a mass that is taking over their body or has ruptured and is bleeding out. Basically, giving these pets the gift of taking away their pain is almost relieving. It is difficult for the client because they are struggling with the decision to euthanize – something we don’t have to deal with (though would like to) in the human world – and are losing their best friend. But, as an outsider, looking in, all I see is a pet that has run out of options for seeking comfort and I’m just sparing them the agonizing wait of slowly withering into nothing, starving to death, bed sores, fear and anxiety as they slowly suffocate from heart failure, daily pain that prevents them from any normal functions.
  2. Vets, especially the ones who have been practicing awhile, have established deep, dark pits of space where they take hard emotions and bury them down deep. We get all the emotions thrown at us on a daily basis – happy, sad, stress, guilt, anger, frustration, irritation, self loathing, client loathing, patient loathing, public loathing, loathing (generic), annoyance, etc, etc, and if we actually take the time out of our day to process these emotions, we would never get all the patients seen that we are required to see (not to mention the ones that get shoved in when there is no time and the ones we have to send away that hate us and write terrible things about us). Therefore, to survive as a professional and a human, who then has to have functioning relationships with real people away from work, we have gotten super good at flaring with that emotion and then shoving it down into our deep dark caves of oblivion. When you’ve dealt with all that in a day and then you have to euthanize something. This is straightforward. And….
  3. We euthanize animals ALL THE TIME. All day, everyday, with extra ones being added right before holidays for some reason. Eventually, a thick callous is formed and it just becomes another task in our day. If we’ve been working with a patient for a long time, if the need for euthanasia is sudden and traumatic, sure, it’s way harder on us emotionally, we’re not monsters.
  4. If we feel that a euthanasia is NOT warranted, we will talk to the owner and try to convince them that maybe this is a treatable or completely fabricated illness (I had one cat euthanasia on a 4 yo cat who was just prancing around the euth room, purring, rubbing my hands and the complaint was she hadn’t pooped in 4 months. I finally convinced them that if that were the case, she would be dead and that she was very likely pooping in a place they haven’t found). I have stopped euthanasia on animals that were being put down for being “miserably itchy all the time” and had no hair. Turns out, they just needed flea medication. Sometimes, medications haven’t been tried and even chronic diseased patients can get several more months of relief with the introduction of these meds. Sometimes, the owner is just not equipped to care for the patient and another owner can afford and dedicate the time to give the animal a great quality of life. But, I’ll tell you what, broaching the topic is somewhat a delicate thing as the owner has likely already been stewing over this decision and introducing even a tinge of doubt can be traumatic for the owner especially if it comes down to a money issue. At the same time, we can’t afford to rescue every animal ourselves and the animal has to be pretty “sellable” (super sweet, not a sketch ball, not super complicated) to convince other people to adopt (as bad as that sounds.)
  5. Finally, yes, euthanasias affect us. We are not monsters. I can walk into a room, connect with the owners and feel their sadness, feel their depression and their guilt. I make it my priority (after confirming that the animal needs to be euthanized) to make the owner not feel guilt or regret. I talk to them and console and re and reaffirm that this IS the BEST decision they could be making and that it is the RIGHT decision. My job is to the client at this point and once they have rightfully decided to end a patient’s suffering, they need to know that a professional in this field 100% agrees with them. But the WORST euthanasias, by far, besides the obvious when you have worked with a patient for a long time and know the animal and the owner and their full life story, is when there is either an old man, a hardened Clint Eastwood type man, or children in the room. I have a very hard time when that old, withered man who looks like he hasn’t cried since he was a toddler and is ashamed of even that time, has big fat tears welling up and he doesn’t want you to see him. It’s okay, you can cry, I won’t tell anyone. Or children when they seemingly understand what’s going on and then once I say the patient has passed then they get a wild, panicked look in their eyes and ask “You mean he’s DEAD!?!” and then burst into tears or screaming.
Wicket was saved from euthanasia after she was born with no bones in her front legs.

Euthanasia is easily the saddest part of the human/animal bond. Whether it’s saying goodbye to a best friend you’ve had since you were a child, or the only thing left you have to link you to your husband who died last year, or even in an unexpected emergency, it’s never any easier, but it is also a sense of relief. Our job as veterinarians is to make sure you make the best decision for the animal and make sure you feel okay with it. When it’s clear cut, nothing could be easier for me than to decide to end the suffering of the animal and to be it’s advocate when the owner’s mind and heart are understandably muddled with emotion.

Heggie – saved from euthanasia and rehomed with a clinic employee.

That all being said, it still sucks.

Anything but bad luck for Dan, the office cat. Saved from euthanasia after being hit by a car and left at the clinic with a broken tail and jaw. Now demands attention (and food) all day from employees and clients alike.