This post has been put off much like Calvin’s creation. Things were going well, and I just now got around to thinking about the third child – who was not – and then was – planned.
Tony, India, Oscar, and I were pretty happy with just the four of us. When coming up with kids’ names when we were dating, India and Oscar appeared and that was it. Tony, being raised most of his life with one sibling, thought two children was plenty. Me, being raised with two siblings and a whole onslaught of cousins near-by thought at LEAST three. But then we had two and everything was going just fine. We had bought a small Subaru Crosstrek the year before, knowing we were done having kids. Oscar was about to turn 2 years old, India was 4 and we were finally, FINALLY a mobile family. Anyone who has had an infant can testify that you just can’t do much when they’re babies. We could now take the kids hiking, camping, biking and they loved it. Then my brain got in the way.
As you have read, I may be a tad ridiculous in my listening for God’s word, but after Oscar, I suffered some major post-partum anxiety that I had to seek professional help for. PPA is different than depression in that I was constantly worried and picturing, in detail, my children being maimed, severely injured, or killed in horrifying detail. All I could think about when I was alone was yet another scenario that was heart wrenching and my mind played it out like a movie and I would just start sobbing over something that has never even come close to happening. The worst was one night when I was trying to comfort (typical) screaming Oscar and my mind asked “what if this was the Holocaust and if he doesn’t stop screaming, the Nazis will find you and rip him from you and throw him on the hard ground, immediately killing him?!!?” So, I sought out help via a therapist who helped immensely.
So, one of my wild manifestations of my PPA was that even though I knew we were done having children and even though I knew as a well-educated doctor that this wasn’t true, I started to imagine that every time I had my period, that I was just flushing a personality down the toilet. Each and every egg that was not fertilized was another potential being, a contributor to the world, someone’s soul mate just missing their chance at life. I told my therapist about this and she suggested I just go ahead and have another baby. It was almost like I was looking for someone to tell me that. I got very excited, even though the pragmatic part of me started listing off all the reasons this would not be a good idea.
I talked to Tony about all that I told the therapist while we were on a bike ride with the family on the rail trail in Clare. He stated that he was happy with just the two kids, but would do whatever I wanted if I really wanted it. I’m pretty sure Calvin was made that night – we were quite lucky with our fertility.
I was excited even though I was experiencing nausea and headaches even before the positive pregnancy test – and craving grilled cheese sandwiches. I nervously told Dr. Pol while I was spaying something and he cried with joy – he’s always been a sensitive soul about that kind of thing. It was all very happy and exciting until I was about 6 weeks pregnant and started bleeding. This was not as acute and heavy as when I bled with India, but no pregnant woman wants to see any red/brown tinge on the toilet paper. The bleeding started off moderate like an early period, then got a little heavier. I cried and cried – all of my thoughts, no matter what I was doing would migrate to “am I losing it? am I losing my baby?” I ultrasounded myself with the machine at our work (probably 20 years old) and saw a fluid filled uterus with a tiny cluster of cells with a possible “flutter” that would be the heart beat and felt a tad better, but still made an appointment with my doctor.
My doctor was professional, but certainly not comforting. The ultrasonographer found that I had a subchorionic hematoma. This meant that there was a pocket of blood between the uterine wall and the placenta that was leaking out. They found that the baby was still alive, but my doctor told me straight up that I could still lose the pregnancy. So, I went home and waited, changed pads several times a day for 7 LONG weeks that I was still seeing blood. I ultrasounded myself 2-3 times a day. Sometimes, if I didn’t sit just right it would look like the uterus was empty and I would go home sobbing. Then, Tony would tell me to go back to the clinic and try again – when I would see the black fluid where a tiny blob of tissue floated with a very healthy heartbeat.
Around 13 weeks into the pregnancy, I finally stopped seeing blood every time I peed and could settle into my future with a third child – and eventually allowed myself to come up with a name. Going into my second trimester, I started having horrific pelvic pains that felt like the bones at my pubis were relaxing apart and would rub and click against one another when I walked. I could only walk for brief periods before I had to sit down. It felt like my pelvis was about to split in half with every step.
By the time my third trimester came along, I was pretty certain my body would not survive a fourth pregnancy as I was barely holding it together at this point. Calvin was being a good baby, though and was facing head down. Around 36.5 weeks (normal pregnancy 40 weeks) I got to where standing and walking was near torture. Between braxton hicks contractions and my pelvis splitting in two, the very idea of getting up and walking was awful.
The day before I went into labor, I was tired, I was the only person at the clinic that afternoon as Dr. Brenda was out on farm calls. Right about closing time, a very good client called and said her goat herd had been attacked by a couple of dogs and they were all mangled and in need of repair. I stuck around, but sat on a rolling chair and gave all the wonderful people who worked at the clinic that day detailed instructions on drugs, dosages, surgical material, etc. One by one, they carried in goats for me to evaluate on my rolling chair, sedate and suture, or euthanize. I think we had 7-8 goats in all that needed attention. My abdomen was so tight by the end of all that, I went home barely able to stand.
The next afternoon I went into labor, I was at work and had seen a sick patient and come up with a treatment plan. I was currently having a doubled over, bear down, teeth grinding contraction that I thought was just bad diarrhea and told Tony I needed to go home, but needed to talk to the client first and didn’t think I could stand up. He asked if he could just go get the client and bring him to my desk so I could go over the plan and not have to stand. I thought that was a genius idea. Tony brought me the client, I went over the x-rays on my computer, went over the treatment plan and all the medications while sitting in my chair, keeping my insides from breaking out of my pelvis, then sent them on their way. Tony later told me that Diane took a call just a few minutes after I left for the hospital with a complaint from that man that I was not being professional when I made him come back to talk to him. I’m not sure what he would have thought had I waddled down the hall to his room, in a cold sweat, bent in half while panting out his instructions.
I insisted on driving myself home as I thought it was just bad diarrhea and didn’t want Tony home with me to witness that. The office staff, however, insisted that Tony drive me home. About 3/4 of the way home, still clinging, white knuckled to the “oh crap strap” in the car, I decided I had better go on to the hospital. When I got there, the doctor checked me and said I was at 2 cm and was having contractions, so they placed me on IV fluids and the contractions slowed, then stopped. I was still three weeks early and technically considered premature and the nurse told me if I were to have the baby now, he may end up in NICU and I might not even get to hold him. I decided to go home and try to delay the inevitable.
I went home, had a horrible contraction, then had some toast and fell asleep on the couch. Tony woke me up to go to bed and I was feeling much better. Then, when I lay down in bed, the contractions started again. Not as violent this time, but very deliberate and regular. I decided I’d rather spend the night in the hospital being monitored than risk something happening to my baby (one nurse told me my uterus could rupture due to my previous cesarean, so I might have panicked a little). Luckily, Missy from work had already taken India and Oscar to her house in case this happened, so we didn’t have to worry about them at a hospital – my mom was on the way, but didn’t expect me to go this early.
I went to the hospital and told the nurse not to call the doctor because I didn’t think I was in labor, but just needed monitoring. She called him anyway and he said I was progressing and technically in labor. Because it was after hours on a Friday night, at this particular hospital I couldn’t try a natural birth, it had to be a c-section. So, a few minutes later, much more calmly than Oscar had entered the world, Calvin was delivered three weeks early, 6lb ?oz – at least 2lb smaller than our first two and he was TINY! Everything about him was perfectly healthy and normal. We had the horrifying scare at the beginning of the pregnancy, but now we have three beautiful, rambunctious, trying, wonderful children!
I had just checked your website like 15 minutes ago because I was like I miss Emily. Thanks for keeping us updated about you’re life. You’re a wonderful role model.
Keep up the good work. I love your posts.
You 2 are the coolest cpl,
I enjoy reading you journey
Thanks for sharing
😊
Tony’s mini me!
Dr Emily,
Thank you and Tony for sharing with us. I am glad you and Tony were blessed with three beautiful children. Love the pictures!!!
I was just sitting here thinking, I hope the guy who complained about the way you handled the care of his pet, does not ever get a kidney stone. That is horrible pain that as bad as final stages of labor!!!!! I given birth more than once and had several kidney stones over the years and the pain is equally as severe.
We can only hope.
God bless you and Tony and your beautiful children.
Loved this story. I too had that pelvic bone splitting pain with my first baby, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. Standing and walking was horrendous!
Glad little Calvin did well after his early birth
What a wonderful family!
You have such a beautiful family!
I like how real and open you are about your feelings, experiences and life. Not everyone would be that open.
All of your children are so cute!
The Lord has something special for him..I was told I’d never have children, we were married 2 years. I had endometriosis from taking birth control pills. There were several issues I had and my husband. We just had our 17th anniversary I had gone for a check up found out I was expecting. urine test. My dr didn’t deliver so he sent me too another one. He couldn’t tell I was pregnant, I felt sick . A lot of prayer from a lot of people over the years and a few months later I had a beautiful little boy, I was told I’d never have . I was 35 my husband was 42. Our son is now 29 and a true blessing..
Emely you are a wonderful mom
Emily, you and Tony tell such wonderful animated stories. I remember seeing you go to the hospital in labor with Calvin. I hate to say this but, I remember saying to my husband that you looked like you were in such awful pain and I felt so bad. I was so glad that Tony was with you and you didn’t have to go through it alone. Keep the stories coming and the beautiful pictures too. You are such a gorgeous family. My husband and I both enjoy your blog very much!! God bless all of you.
Oh my goodness!!! What a story!! I am so grateful everything turned out okay because he is such a ham… So absolutely adorable. Your pictures illustrate your story perfectly and your pregnancy announcement picture with Tony had me crying with laughter. I would soooo love to buy you and Tony a beer and just listen to you to tell these awesome stories. You are the best – thank you so much for staying in touch with your fans this way.
You have a wonderful family Emily ❤️
How fun to get under the hood with you. On Doc Pol, we see Dr. Emily, a competent professional who speaks plain and simple words as needed – “still waters.” This Little Light shows that your still waters run deep. You’ve had your “share” of trials and burdens through which you’ve demonstrated strength and grace. How touching that Tony is your rock and you two are there for each other & your kids. Thank you for sharing with us.
Amen!
Always enjoy your posts. You are the sweetest people. Wish you were neighbors. Best Wishes.
I always tell people who swear they are done with two, to be careful. Third children are amazing! (I am one!)
They add so much to the family dynamics and the kids fill you with joy.
Thanks for sharing this. My first pregnancy was like this and I was terrified I was going to lose her. She is now 44 and has given me two grandchildren. Life is good.
Great reading you and Tony. I really enjoy it!
Wonderful read, at one point I think i stopped breathing empathetically!
I remember watching your pregnancy and delivery on “Dr. Pol”, and being concerned for you and Calvin. Boy, we didn’t know the half of it! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. The openness and frankness you and Tony have when writing is admirable, and it’s always so enlightening and enjoyable to read your blog. Keep the stories coming! ❤️
Love reading your stories, so glad for being able to have a connection to you,miss you on the show !♥️
Love the pictures ! Delightful!
One of my sons has 3. Fortunately all 3 are girls. 9, 4 and 1 month. She had her third girl at 31 and had a tougher time. Doctor just said she wasn’t getting any younger. Really, at 31 ! Anyway they’re done and I get another playmate, ( after her generous 5 month paid maternity leave ).
I’m glad you got your family back to the South ! When’s the next vlog ?
Emily, God is definitely sitting on your shoulder! Your children also have a guardian angel keeping watch as well. India and Oscar are most assuredly your mini me’s and to me Tony finally has his mini me with Calvin. Your children are so stinking cute, and I’ll just bet they have an impish side to them as well. VA is an awesome place to raise kids. It’s a state that refuses to allow rampant building so there’s green space for days.
Also, tell your big kid that there is so much history in that state with the preservation of family homes, battlefields, and DC and it’s all within driving distance, which is great for when your kids get older too. That’s one of the things I missed when we moved back to Ohio, I hadn’t got to see all the history that VA has to offer!
Keep the vlogs and blogs coming, and thank you for opening up your lives to share with us!
I liked a lot watching you on the show, and very happy to see you doing well. Please continue your blog . It will be very nice to see you on another show.
Thank you so much for your honest and open post!! Especially on your post …. depressions. (Forgot the right word for it) So happy to see and read about you guys. A lot of hugs and love from the Netherlands
Another winning story and another darling kid!!
What a heart wrenching story. I was holding my breath throughout the entire story. I knew it would turn out great as I have seen your beautiful children!! I watched your first vlog and am so happy to see that you and your family are settled and very happy in Virginia. Keep up the wonderful stories. I look forward to them!!
Wow, I would not have guessed you were in so much pain when watching you on Dr Pol. It’s amazing that you even came to work like that. kudos!
I can understand why you chose to slow your life down after having the 3rd child. I certainly noticed the difference myself between having two children and then having another. The mayhem and energy around you intensifies in your home and can get overwhelming at times. I had to rethink my nervous breakdown. ha ha Thankfully, I pulled it together.
Keep your stories coming, Dr Emily!
Still miss you on Dr Pol, though. 🙁
Girl, you are a Trooper with a capital T! Grateful for sweet perfect Calvin ❤️
Well said, Gloria, and I agree 100% !!!!
I really enjoy your stories. They make me happy. You’re such a wonderful story teller.
Your kids are so adorable. This is when the film crew went to see you and filmed for the show?
What an ordeal, your PPA. That must have been extremely frightening.
And your beautiful gift, the end result, Calvin.
What a perfect little fella.
Dr. Emily, India looks so much like you.
Obviously gentleman who complained was either blind or so insensitive to your obvious condition that i pity his poor wife.
I love Calvin and all of you even more everyday. These stories are so heart warming and human. You are a great writer.
Your honesty and openness are amazing. Watching you go thru this pregnancy on Dr Pol, I had no idea it was such a trying time (outside of no maternity coveralls! lol) How wonderful that all turned out well and you and Tony are blessed with 3 beautiful children. Thanks for sharing!
I’ve read all of your beautifully honest and funny blogs! I now have hope that someday I will look back on my pregnancies and PPD/disaster scenarios (we were trapped in the Willy Wonka Factory….it was real, I cried for two days) with as much good natured humor as you!! They are 21 and 24! 😂😂. Thank you Dr. Emily!!!
Thank you for mentioning PPA. I went through the same thing, not even realizing it was a thing! We hear about PPD but PPA wasn’t even mentioned when my daughter was born 11 years ago. I was terrified to lay her down to sleep. Either my husband or I slept in the recliner with her in our arms every night until she was a little over a year old. In retrospect, that was more dangerous than the crib. I love that you share your experiences honestly. I’m a Virginian but we live in the tip near TN. If you ever need a weekend get-away I would suggest taking a look at Hungry Mother Park in Marion, VA or Grayson Highlands State Park (wild ponies on the hike)/Mt Rogers.
Ouch! For me it was the feeling that my hips were coming apart, but then it had been almost 12 years since the previous child. I love that you share the feelings you had; it helps a lot of us know that we aren’t alone in our fears. Keep writing!
Emily, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you mean about having dark thoughts of your children getting hurt or worse. I thought I was the only one who played out catastrophes like a scene from a movie. This kind of thinking has had me losing sleep on more nights then I could possibly count. I’m the queen of “what if…” If you don’t mind I’d love to know what coping mechanisms you use in addition to the therapy you mentioned. I have seen therapists off and on for several years because of anxiety and it helps but when I’m in “disaster mode” I feel like no one understands. I truly wish you all the best in your life and I so very much appreciate the way you have opened up in your blog. It is such a blessing, so thank you.
Part lll, now my fav! Beautiful kids & family!
Love this blog, you and Tony should write a book, you have such interesting stories & write so well! It’s nice to see another side of you from the show. You were always my favorite vet on the show. Like the others, I had no idea from the show that you had such a difficult pregnancy with Calvin. Although I miss you on the show, I’m so glad you are happy in Virginia with a better work-life balance.
Emily Enjoyed your Calvin Birth Story! You Are an interesting writter, and Blogger! VET
God Bless your SWEET WONDERFUL STORY! Do miss Seeing you @” Pol Vet!”🥰❤❤❤❤❤
Watching you on Dr Pol during your last pregnancy, I could see that you didn’t feel well. Sometimes it was hard to watch!! But everything came out well in the end. Congrats on your beautiful family. Hopefully sometime in the future, NG will offer you another tv series and you may be ready to do one. You would be a hit!!
Wow DR Emily you are really brave.Congratulations with 3 healthy children. Pity you had to have another ceasarian.Here you would have had a normal birth.But I live in the Netherlands and till 10 years ago 85% of the children were born at home.
I wish you and Tony all the best.You are a great vet,keep on the good work.
Thanks for your interesting blog.
Marjolijn Joosten