Posted on by jinj88

How to: Bathe three children under 7

Now, for something more on the light hearted side.

So, you’ve decided to bathe your young children?

1. Contemplate whether they really, truly need a bath. I mean, they just had one, like, ….. well, let’s see: India started with her braided hair, then down the next day, then ponytail, then beavertail because she slept on it and apparently spends the entire night following the fan blades with her face. So.. like 2,3, was it really 5 days ago?? They probably need a bath.

2. Prepare yourself, mentally. This is possibly the most important step to the entire process. You may think I’m about to suggest having a drink before you start, but, oddly enough, children tend to elicit the opposite response of alcohol on a sane adult and will only shorten your patience. No, you need to pre-plan a bath at least 15 minutes to a couple of hours, and maybe, even a few days (when you get to ponytail, you’ve still got a couple of days) ahead of time to make it through this trying time. Envision the bath going well (yes, you may giggle), see the children cooperating with getting into the bath, getting properly wet, and keeping all the water in the tub.

3. Make sure you allow yourself and the children adequate time for the bath before bedtime. You haven’t seen a mutiny until you tell children they have to take a quick bath (with NO bubbles!?!) as it’s five minutes to bedtime. Make sure to calculate for the time you will spend loudly vocalizing for the 14th time to take their clothes off, that they can’t ALL pee in the toilet at once, wipe your pee off the floor and your brother, and then the “chase time” immediately following the bath.

4. Gently and lightly mention to your husband that you think it might be bath time, making sure you mean it if you say it audibly enough for him to hear.

5. Watch children lose their ever loving minds, ripping around the house like a Labrador or Boxer when you mention going for a walk.

6. Help children tripping over their own clothes as they attempt to shed them before even getting to the bathroom. You will also have the straggler who will attempt to get into the bath having only removed his pants – gently coax him out of the bath while reminding him he needs to be naked and go potty first and then watch him melt down as his brother is already peeing in the toilet and knows he will then get to the bath first (every time).

7. Help your daughter get into a separate bath/shower if she needs it, but lets be honest, she’s independent and will take care of herself for the most part – discussion on hair to follow. (Note: all three children bathed together at one time until opposite gender curiosity and shear mass of 130lb of wriggling bouncing flesh in one small bath like a small pot of boiling potatoes).

8. Allow the kids to pick colors for their bath – most important part. Argue with them incessantly over why they shouldn’t pull ALL the colors in the bath at one time, then realize the point is moot. If they want to bathe in a black lagoon, what do I care?

9. Make sure you aren’t wearing any clothes that you would like to wear the rest of the evening or make a purchase of a oceanic fisherman’s outfit. At this point, I find it most efficient to jump in (not the bath, though I’m not sure I have a good argument as to why not as you are going to be as wet as them anyway), douse the boys in water, attack them with shampoo. Catch the toddler as he runs and screams EVERY time you touch his delicate little head with water. Sometimes, holding him by his face as you rinse his hair may be necessary – don’t worry, it’s tear-free shampoo.

10. All you need to wash is heads, pits, and bottoms – boys apparently get lent rings around their penises if they’re wearing diaper/pull-ups and God knows you can’t trust them to clean these areas thoroughly. Sometimes, if I’m tired or made the mistake of having a drink with dinner, I will just squirt some extra soap in the water, agitate it really good, then close the shower curtain and let them run the spin cycle.

11. Now, they will request play time – which you will concede to because you prepared for this time (couldn’t take their antics any longer and said “BATH TIME”) This is when you will attempt to get some other small house chores done such as cleaning litter boxes or doing some laundry and will feel better about yourself and your superior efficiency when you will hear from the boy’s bathroom “hahahhah! That tickles!” which any parent of young children in the bath will immediately recognize and rush to the bathroom, pull back the curtain and discover what on earth they are doing.

12. Bath time is over. Get out. NOW.

13. Pull the drain as both boys start yelling and crying that they want to stay in the bath longer then, once all the water is gone ask them why they are just standing naked in the empty tub getting cold.

14. Catch each of them as they decide it’s a good idea to jump from the slick side of the tub to the very wet, slick floor. Wrap them in character themed towels and watch as spiderman and an adorable little ducky waddle into the bedroom and then promptly shrivel into a ball on the floor.

15. Remember you have a daughter – your sweet baby girl – STILL HASN’T WASHED HER *bleepidy bleep* HAIR!!

16. Chase children around the house as they squeal and laugh and use their wetness to slip out of your grip as you attempt to prepare them for bed.

17. Get them to bed.

18. Put toddler back in bed

19. Honor toddler’s request for a 5th kiss/hug because he says “pwease maw maw”

20. NOW have a drink – and change clothes.

46 Replies to “How to: Bathe three children under 7”

  1. I do remember those days! My kids are now teens but they are 10.5 months apart. We look back at videos where there is applesauce in hair like styling product, green beans all in the floor, parents stepping over baby gates and crying coming from another room and no one was batting an eye that we were in the midst of full on crazy. Just another Tuesday with toddlers. Bless you momma!

  2. HAHAHAHAHA ABSOLUTELY TRUE!! Only I had 3 sons, so that was fun… no not really lol 😂 I mean at bath time. Having 3 sons was wonderful, just not at certain times lol 😂

  3. Bath time brings back many memories. At least the dog wasn’t in the tub with the boys!

  4. Once my toddler son came into the bathroom as I took a blessed solo bath. He looked at the bathtub, and confused/scandalized, said, “Mommy! You don’t have any toys!” He offered to go get me some and I had a hard time convincing him I was totally OK without bath toys. Good times…

  6. I am a mom to 8 kids. The older set (teens and adults) and the younger set , which meant I have/had 5 kids in a 6 year span. Bath time is insane! (So is lunch/dinner/outings/ homeschooling/Chores….oh heck! All of it involves an immense amount of patience and a sense of humor! It’s a bit better as they are now 11,10,8,7,6, but since the 6 &7 yo are boys…and man those two can find trouble or create trouble. 😂

  8. LOL. I loved this!!!! This brought back so very similar memories conveniently forgotten. Lol. Love and hugs! 🙂

  9. It’s difficult for me to relate to bathing kids, even though we had six. I was in a horse related business and didn’t get home at night til the kids were in bed. My turn came once a week, on my night off, and I thought it was fun. I also thought it was strange that my wife didn’t join in the fun. Now my “gang of six” are between 42 & 55 and can bathe themselves. However, I’ve heard stories from them regarding my ten grandchildren, my dear Emily, and they are very similar to what you just wrote……..chin up, Mama, it gets better with time. 🥴🥴🤠

  14. Now that you have a better schedule you are more able to do things like bathe the kids. And it won’t be long and they will be doing it for themselves, unless of course they are anti-clean. So enjoy while you can. Being that all my kids have been four (4) legged I don’t exactly know how that feels. Though sometimes the 4-leggers weren’t too cooperative.

  15. Great mom, I only had one child, so i dont know they craziness. I admire you for working 2 jobs, and you dont drink too much. Your allowed a drink or 2 of wine a night. It’s been known to be good for you.

  16. Time to introduce a ‘vet’s’ tool of control; the trusty nose snare! Thank you for the smile you bring to our hearts Dr. Emily!

  17. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I love it and remember those days….fondly now. Give it some time Doc and eventually you too will smile at your memories of bath time!

  19. Ahhhhhh, I can so relate! I have been there, and done that lol. I too have 3 children and a step daughter. My daughter being the oldest as well, was a year older than my step daughter. They were like sisters. They would bathe together and I remember once, someone decided to put a whole bottle of baby oil in the water. It wasn’t a good idea as my step-daughters long hair got so tangled!! It was a HUGE mess of knots. I couldn’t comb it out no matter how hard I tried. We had to take her home that way. She ended up having her long hair all cut short. Good thing her mom found it amusing lol.

  20. You are hilarious and this statement is so true. I have 3 grandchildren – ages 2-8- they still bath together. I could not have said it better.

  22. You are so good at writing these blogs. Thank you for sharing! Does bring back memories…

  24. I am loving it! I am looking forward to more. I think that honesty is not always painless, but it certainly makes for a much more interesting narrative.

  25. That was the best thing I have read today! I am not a parent, but can relate from prior babysitting, fostering children experiences.

  26. Oh! I needed this laugh! What a walk down memory lane, Emily! God bless you and Tony. It’s so easy to laugh when you aren’t in the middle of it anymore. My bath “screamer” even had the neighbors coming to the door to see what see were doing to him at one point. He was having his hair washed. What a wrestling match. It was worse than a squealing pig!

  27. What fun! All the memories you are making and especially writing them down so when you get my age and have senior moments, you can just reread and savor those precious moments!
    ❤

  28. I always said that changing a diaper on a toddler is like changing a tire on a moving car.

  29. Oh the memories. I can relate, I have five sons between the ages of 42 and 26 I remember bath time fun. I kinda miss it now, they do grow up quick enough. I admire you being mom and a Dr.

  31. You described bath time with my three boys perfectly, it was so exaughsting….but I would do it over in a nano second! Cliche to say but oh so true, treasure this time because it is gone before you know it! I love reading about your journey!

  35. You nailed it Doc. Boy do I remember. A single dad with 2 small girls is an absolute nightmare! One time I was trying to wash the youngest one’s hair in the kitchen sink. As soon as the water touches her head she begins to scream bloody murder. By the time I finish, guess who is at the door. The POLICE. Since I was a cop at the time it worked out ok but what an ordeal. I feel your pain Doc.

    1. Our now 20 month olds first words he understood. TUBBY TIME! Followed you on Dr Pol. Enjoy reading your blog!

  37. I’m sorry. I’m 60 and my wife and I raised 3 great kids. 2 boys and a girl and rarely had the problems I’m reading here. My oldest son and daughter were a year apart and youngest son was 4 years younger. We spent a lot of time hiking in the woods and playing sports while we both worked jobs on opposite shifts. BUT when it was bath time , there was no chasing them, it was Bathtime and then tucked in, storytime and sleep. They were All potty trained by 2yrs old . No offence but this younger gen spends too much time trying to be their Friend and not their Parents. Life gets easier when they know your the boss and their the child. Today my 3 children are doing great. Ones a nurse one some is into ministry and my youngest is into well I guess hes still working on it lol.

  38. Our now 20 month olds first words he understood. TUBBY TIME! Followed you on Dr Pol. Enjoy reading your blog!

  39. I literally laughed out loud, then read the whole thing to my husband. Bath day is the worst! #solidarity

  40. Oh the memories! My boys are 26 and 29 now, but this brought back a rush of good/bad/nightmare memories🥰 They would play until the water was freezing…the only time they were contained and mischief free- well except for that time one of them cracked their chin open on the faucet and needed stitches😂 He still has a scar…Hold those memories close and dear.

  41. Dr Emily, you have truly missed your calling, although I think you’re very outstanding as veterinarian too. But, that being said you should absolutely go on the stand up comedy circuit! You are hysterically funny and you have such a fresh way of describing ordinary, every day facts of life that the world of stand up comedy would go nuts over you! And when you do become a comic and you get on stage at the Columbus Funny Bone in Columbus, OH you post it in your blog and I’ll be there in the front row cheering you on!

    1. There’s a Vet conference in Columbus OH every year that I’ve been to a couple of times. Do they have an open mic night at Funny Bone? =)

  42. Dr, Emily,
    My wife and I are big fans! We’ve watched you on Dr, Pol and really, really like your outlook and style working with animals.

    I’ve been running my own blogs for almost 15 years now and if you and your husband want to do this yourself I have a few suggestions to get you started right.
    1. There is plenty of free WordPress training – no need to pay anyone hundreds of dollars to learn how to set up and run your blog. Just Google “How to set up a WordPress site.”
    2. Making money with your blog: To make decent money always look at using multiple streams of income. To get started, apply for Google Adsense and set it up on the blog. It won’t pay much at first but as your readership grows the income will too.
    3. If there are any products you want to talk about sign up for Amazon Associates and let your readers buy through your affiliate link.
    Keep writing and eventually, other companies will want to advertise also.
    4. Also, set up a YouTube account: Ask your blog subscribers to also subscribe to your YouTube Channel. You are comfortable on camera and your readers will love to watch you also. Once you get 1000 subscribers Google will start paying you for your work on YouTube through your Adsense account.
    5. Set this blog up on a good website hosting company. You will need a company that can handle your first 1000 subscribers and also handles the traffic when you get to 10 million. I use WPX Hosting. It’s cheap to start and as your blog grows it will grow with you.

  43. So true. My memories are as an older sister of 6 kids. As a parent I wanted 6 kids …. “God laughing and says you can only handle one.” In his infinite wisdom he was right as a single parent who adopted a mixed race child he knew what hurdles were ahead and at the age of 36 … I am sure he was right. Ha ha ha

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