**Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist nor did I study psychology, these are simple observations from my own experiences.
Marriage or any long term relationship is not the “happily ever after” we assume once the vows are said. They’re often not a fairy tale even getting to that point. I’ve often day dreamed about different fairy tale scenarios where you phase in on a scene 1-2 years after the magical wedding when The Beast has really not changed (cause they never really do) and is losing his temper, but by now, Belle has had enough of his crap and has locked herself in the library looking up a way to turn him into a much smaller beast.
So, what are some obstacles Tony and I have come across during our 19-year relationship and 13 years of marriage? Let’s start with our two break-ups before the wedding. The first one was when I was 18 and thought God was telling me to break up with him – lasted 3 hours, then we got back together. The second was when I was in my first year of vet school and was super stressed with exams and other issues. We were engaged and I got cold feet – I was worried that I would get bored of Tony or that he would eventually resent me since I was his first ever girl friend and that maybe we should date around. He gave me his engagement ring (yes, I gave him one too – if I have to be marked, so does he) and went off to work in the vet school hospital. An hour later, after one class of bacteriology, I ran down three floors to the hospital and gave him his ring back and it was okay again.
Those are such frivolous problems, though, in the scheme of relationships and trust. One if the challenges we’ve face, especially since having regular jobs and raising children is our lack of alone time together. We have a hard time getting babysitters and keeping them around (they tend to grow up – or move away and steal your horse trailer – I digress). If Tony and I do not get a date night every now and then, or at least make it a point to pay attention to each other and not just stare at the TV or our phones after the kids are in bed, we tend to gravitate toward roommate mode. In this mode, we work well together, we always have, but it’s business only. We discuss the dishes, laundry, kids’ homework, kids’ behavioral problems at school, common issues at work, but nothing about these things separates us from a casual relationship.
I can see this happening and worry as I DO NOT want to end up like some couples I see that do nothing but complain about being married and how big of a mistake it was. I will try to pay a little more attention to him, try to be flirtatious, try to plan things for us to do that is different from the norm. He is not as good at this and often does not even recognize when I am trying. I don’t want to ask him to be flirtatious or complimentary of me, but I figure if I pour it on him, he will return. Not so much. Men are a little dense when it comes to that kind of stuff.
The biggest challenge to a relationship, though is the potential loss of trust. And the biggest obstacle to that precious, extremely fragile jewel that is trust is the f#&($ng crush! (pardon my language – but it deserves it) Crushes are like little demons that infiltrate your stupid brain and completely blind you to the truth and only let you see what tiny little things they want you to see. Tony may not be the most romantic man in the world, but I think we all need to give him a huge hand for dealing with my crushes over the years like a champ. I’m so afraid of hurting our relationship (as well as a general fear of getting into trouble) that I’ve always told Tony about my crushes, usually after I’ve fought them (the idea, not the people) but after they’ve already taken over my brain. He claims to not get mad or jealous, sometimes he just laughs at me because my brain’s choices are atrocious, but really, it isn’t fair to him. I unload my guilt by telling him what’s going on in my head and he just has to deal with it gracefully (which he totally does). He also claims to have never had a crush other than me. He could be telling the truth, but I mostly just accept it, because unlike him, I would NOT take it gracefully and it would be ugly.
So, what makes a crush so much like a dirty little demon? It makes you think that you may be in love with that person that you barely even know. It makes you focus on only the positives of that person and not see the million other things that make that person a terrible match for you. As my brother told me once when we were discussing this topic when I asked why I get crushes, he said “because that person somehow validates you, makes you feel good about yourself”. It’s like that one movie I saw with Janet Jackson (I think) where they talk about the 80/20 rule. When I’m mad or bored or depressed, I may only see the 20% Tony is lacking and wish for just that, then when another person comes along and provides that 20%, they seem perfect, but I’m not seeing the 80% of them that just doesn’t fit with me.
I’m happy to report that I have never acted on any of my crushes. The closest I got was to tell the person I had a crush on him, knowing that I would be overcome with embarrassment when we were together in public and it totally worked. I have told Tony everything I’ve ever done or thought and have even showed him all the texts I send or get if I feel that he may find them by accident and question me. I have now been crush free for 4 years! I continue to keep my eyes out though and if I even start to have those stupid, ridiculous feelings about anyone, I cut it down. Tony is the best person for me, he puts up with a lot and I never want him to hurt because of a stupid decision I make and lose that precious jewel of trust we have kept intact.
Dr. Emily…..heck, I’ve had a crush on you. My wife knows it, so it’s all good. But, you’re a UGA grad and I graduated from Auburn, I’m married, and 58 years old so, alas, it’s not meant to be….😔
Yes. After almost 25 years of marriage I still get crushes. That’s what got me here BUT I do come back Dow to reality because like the past “it’s okay to look but don’t stare” . Tony looks like a good man . Blessings. I hope you have a great marriage like I do!
I have a wonderful marriage. Been married nearly 26 years. She, however, is a graduate of the University of Alabama and I graduated from Auburn University, but love knows no boundaries!
Wow ! That was intense !
Our grandsons all love you 😍
And by watching you they’re have learned how to be gentle and kind to all animals.
I have been with my Husband for since I was 14 , we have been married for 44 yrs. 45 This May. Very Happy
Yall are soooo cute. I pray you never lose what you have! Not everyone gets that or works to keep it.
And I still would love to purchase a piece of your art. I love having originals. There was a piece not long ago that I love!!! I hope you sell your stuff!
Heck, I have a crush on Tony. Of course, he is younger than my youngest son so it would never work. It’s like when I would have a birthday and lie about my age, my one son told me “Mom you can’t be younger than we are, that just doesn’t work.” Well, I tried.
I love your writing.
Glad to see you are normal! Crushes are cool though as it gives you a sudden light step in an otherwise boring day. ha ha
I always told my husband (ex now) not to tell me of any unfaithfulness (unloading guilt) or it would kill the relationship. I would do the same. (hey, I’m no saint). I am not a forgiving person.
It’s still nice to see an honest opinion. You are just the person I sensed you were by watching you on Dr. Pol; genuine, vulnerable and have the gift of humour.
hugs
Been there. But have stopped – looked at reality as you spoke about in the 80/20 aspect.
People assume couples who have been married for eons! (52 for us) have NEVER struggled with this issue. EVERY married person has if they are honest (well, except for Tony)
Keep your focus and know that you are loved.
The hardest thing is to have a balanced marriage.
Congratulations to you both! Trying to go on dates! Having time away from the children.
You are so wise beyond your years to understand the lie of the crush. My 40 year marriage hasn’t been crush free, but I have recognized them for the lies they have been, and we have had a pretty good ride. Praying that you and Tony will have all that and more…
Very brave of you, Miss Dr. Emily to be so open and tattle on yourself like that. Bringing the demons into the light causes them to lose their power. You didn’t mention it, but I bet that annoying part of your ego would be happy if Tony showed a jealous side. Jealousy does NOT mean love and not showing jealousy doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. I hope he continues to be a rock in your relationship and ….TONY! Get with the program, man! Sometimes it’s the little things a woman needs to feel special- a little bouquet of flowers, something special now and then that makes her feel like a hottie, anything out of the day to day routine to show her she’s still got it. Blessings. 🙂
Your honesty is refreshing, and you and Tony are such an awesome couple 😊
On another note, I have a crush on your artwork and would love to buy some . 💕
Dr. Thomas,
You are so impressive by opening up on your struggles. We have been married 32 years after both having divorces in our past. You are so on target that partners are the key. We have eorked hard and continue to learn even today.
We did not have the extra problem of being a celebraty like you have i applaud you and and a follower of yours. YesbI may have a crush on you to but I know nothing will become of it.
Keep on keeping on Doc..
Hmmm…..interesting. My husband and I have been married almost 41 years now and I can honestly say that I have never had a crush on anybody except my husband in all that time. Marriage is hard though and something that constantly needs work. There are no perfect relationships. Everybody has struggled and thinks at times about what it would be like should we have chosen another route. In the end….with me….I can’t imagine my life without my husband and I am pretty sure, if you think about it, that you truly feel the same way about Tony. The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence….until you get there, that is.
Dear Dr. Emily,
Thank you for being brutally honest in all of your posts. I admire you so much and am hoping that your life is filled with joy, excitement, love, and intellectual stimulation. I am a lifetime over achiever and have had my brushes with depression, self-doubt, anxiety, and a bad divorce that kept me reeling for sometime.
I live in beautiful Napa, California and am currently sheltering-in-place . Our county is not mandated to do so,-yet, but I fit into the demographic that should. Thankfully, my two sons have offered to help run errands, etc. I’m so happy that I have a puppy to help keep me happy and busy!
Actually, there are a lot of things to do when one has to stay home–like reading, fixing, building, cleaning, sorting, dancing, singing, praying, etc.
Please take care of precious, you. You have so many people who love and admire you.
If you could bottle this blog and sell it to engaged couples then maybe a slew of bad weddings would be prevented……..
It takes a brave woman to bare her soul and a loving husband to listen…….this is a blog about two brave and loving people.
Cheers, Kids
Thank you for keeping it real! When the chips are down you tend to think of greener pastures… well they are not. Your truthfulness is refreshing and something all couples need to hear. Too many stray and then regret it later. Everyone and everything looks better from the outside and it’s easier to just fantasize then doing the hard work of keeping a relationship going. Again… good for you!
I so love reading your blogs . I watch all the reruns of the show and since you’ve left I’ve noticed that all the night calls were yours . Always you on call. My husband is a retired trooper and I know about the missed dinners the canceled family plans and not being able to go to sporting events . We so miss you in the show but being a mom I can see what you were missing . A good choice was made ! ❤️ Waiting for a book 📖!!!
I LOVE THIS! I can relate to everything you said about your marriage to Tony. It has all happened in my marriage to T. We work through it, just like you two. Kudos!
I just love your blogs. You speak the truth and how you feel. It is great to hear how good You and Tony get along . Keep the blogs coming they make my day.
you two are a great couple
You two are so lucky to have each other. No marriage is perfect, there are always going to be little things that annoy you about your partner, but look for the things you love about one another……….I have been widowed now for 17 years and still think about the husband I lost every single day. We were married 28 years and were high school sweethearts, I never married again, I know I would compare everyone with my first love, he was not perfect , but he always made me laugh, I really miss that.
“(they tend to grow up – or move away and steal your horse trailer – I digress)”. I laughed so loud at that line. Now you have to tell us the story! 😂
Thanks for your transparency! We love y’all out here!!
You are so good. Everything you said is so true. Thanks for reminding me.
Can we get back to the stolen horse trailer
Sorry to be such an obstacle!
You two were/are so lucky to have found each other, and nice to hear you work on keeping your marriage fresh with a little romance here and there. Love the pics, too, you are so active together! 💘
I respect that you don’t skim the surface on topics which are common to most of us but we don’t want to admit. I love the 80/20 observation. Thanks for being so real. You’ve taken a taboo idea and shone a light upon it, taking away some of its “forbidden fruit” appeal
Clearly your marriage is based on trust. Your honesty and openness is inspirational.
As human beings with a myriad of complex emotions, it’s very easy to get crushes, or fall a little bit in love with others. Sometimes people do or say or behave in such a manner that just strikes our fancy. Sensitive souls lean in to these things.
You are wise to take them for what they are.
And to recognize that you have a Keeper.
Thanks for sharing!
Not much to say about this post except GOOD FOR YOU!! You do sound like a perfect match and Tony is a jewel in my book. I think a lot of partners would not be so understanding but he just looks like a very kind person. Love him and your family!
All I can say is, Tony certainly is a patient husband! Can honestly say my reaction, like yours, would be quite ugly. Also remember, a certain type and level of jealousy within a marriage, is healthy.
You haven’t had any crushes BC you were in MI. From what I see, not too many cute ppl up there.
How funny on the flirting with no recognition. My husband is dense in that department. Luckily, he was even denser to other women that flirted with him when we were dating. It would be plain as the nose on his face and he just didn’t see it. After 25 years of marriage, I’ve given up trying to get a compliment concerning dress or looks. My solution, when we are going out and I put a lot of effort into looking nice I wait for any feedback and if none comes (and none is going to come) I just say loudly, “Boy don’t I look good tonight!!!!” It always makes me feel better.
I LOVE your honesty! Iv been married for 30 yrs, but have been together a total of 33 yrs. we started dating at 15 yrs old(of course had many break ups as young kids) when you have been together as long as myself and my husband, it is very normal to have crushes here and there. Neither of us have EVER acted on them (I’m full blooded Irish, he needs to be afraid, very afraid LOL 😂) does it make me jealous sometimes, of course it does, as it does him, BUT, we KNOW, in our hearts and soul, that we would never choose to be with anyone other then each other. Our friends and family have always said, we were born for each other. And yes, I agree, it’s extremely hard to make time for date night with children, Jobs ect(I was a stay at home mom, but his job, makes him travel a LOT) but it is important! That part does get easier as the kids get older however. Now, our oldest doesn’t live here and we always tease the other 2 by saying “hey, don’t you guys have somewhere to go, so we can have date night at home?” They cringe of course and find somewhere to go LOL 😂🤣 But at our age, going for a ride on the horses, eating a nice dinner, hanging out by the pool(depending on the season) or setting by a bon Fire, or even playing with the dogs out on the property , is date night, when the hubby STILL works 10-13 hour days. I agree with your brother as far as why we have crushes also, and also want to point out another factor, when someone else, finds us attractive, whether we’re a mom or a dad, older or middle aged, have been married for 10yrs or 30, it’s nice sometimes to feel good about ourselves. I think it’s perfectly normal for us to get a crush on someone who makes us attractive.
Love Kathy Crifasi’s comment. Kathy you nailed it when you explained crushes. Thank you!
Hahaha! I love this one. My husband and I have been married for almost 27 years. It took me a while to learn that marriage wasn’t going to be the romantic “sweep me off my feet” feeling you first have when you fall in love. As a matter of fact, I came to the conclusion that I was more in love with being in love than I was with my husband. I don’t think anyone truly knows what they’re getting into when they get married. LOL! Well, by God’s grace, we made it. Not without a lot of heartache and trials though. I had to learn how to change, not change my husband. Once I focused on changing myself, and allowing God to change me, things really started to get better. As far as the crushes go – yeah I’ve had them. Same with my hubby. They’re usually actors or something. Every so often, I’ll see a handsome guy and say to my husband, “Wow, that guy’s really handsome/cute/smokin’ hot.” He’s like, “That’s nice. You still sleep with me and your MY wife.” (With a grin on his face.) Doesn’t bother him in the least bit because he knows I’d never act on it. I’m faithful and true to him alone. 😊
Rhonda, I love your comment. You nailed it when said you changed yourself. It has taken me a long long time (more than I’m willing to divulge here) to learn you cannot change anyone else. The only one you can change is yourself. Reading “This Little Light” and after seeing Dr. Pol; I think Tony learned that a long time ago. And, I think he really really loves Emily.
This is off topic but I’m sure Emily could have had her choice have a lot of vets. Why did she choose her position here in Front Royal?
Emily,
You are human and we all are guilty of experiencing the same little crushes in life married or not. I think they happen as a way to validate the decisions we make when we choose a particular partner in life and in some way help the love we have to grow. Thank you for being honest and open. I truly love hearing from you. You are super.
I love how honest and open you can be about so many difficult subjects that we all experience. My wife and I loved watching you on Dr. Pol and were disappointed when you left, but we totally understand your reasons completely. Best of luck to you and your family in the future 🙂
I understand Tony with his misunderstanding of social cues. I am exactly the same. As his first girlfriend/ now wife he hasn’t had the time to learn the many nuances of the female mind.
Forgive our type if we don’t “get” flirtation on occasion, or mistake sarcasm for criticism. You have a good man there. And if you need him to understand it’s easier just to say it. 😊🇨🇦