For the past couple of years, I have been plagued with horrible and recurrent dreams. Every night was either a repeat of the same theme with only slightly different scenarios, or the exact same scenario, but just a continuation of the storyline. For instance, I had a book report due on “War and Peace” due in a few days and I hadn’t even acquired the book yet and then the next night was the same book report due, but now it was in 1 day, and the next night it was due in an hour, and so forth. Other recurrences were having to pack to move or leave a vacation or dorm room and only having a few hours to have everything out of the house and cleaned up. These dreams HAUNTED me. Finally, one night in one of the dreams, I realized it was a dream and was able to control what I did in that virtual world and it was freeing!
Slowly, as I began to dream more where I knew it was a dream, I started to try to apply that to my “real” life – I mean, no, I didn’t try to fly or rob a bank or actually finish “War and Peace” (though I tried) or anything crazy like that. But, somehow, viewing the world as MY world, seeing people as playing roles in MY life, somewhat seeing the world as my own virtual reality with my perspective as the main component really helped me to take more control of my feelings and emotions concerning problems in my life and the world. I know this sounds crazy hokie and maybe a little egocentric, and I could totally see how a different personality embracing this view could be detrimental, but for me, it was enlightening and therapeutic.
For instance, I had to endure a child’s birthday party that my child was invited to. Something they don’t always tell you when you become a parent is that some birthday parties, especially when they’re young, you are expect to STAY for that party. Stay at a stranger’s party. With strangers. And their strange kids. Usually, at these parties, I stress and stress the whole time I’m huddling in a corner, trying to pay attention to smiling at people when they look my way or thinking of something to say to the people standing next to me. But this time, I decided this was my life in MY world. So, I sat myself down in a corner, per usual, and just played on my phone and didn’t care if anyone was looking at me and didn’t even attempt to make conversation. This may sound like an incredibly rude behavior, but it was 2 hours that my stomach wasn’t digesting itself with stress just so I could appear socially “normal”. It allowed me to actually relax and enjoy life instead of dreading it.
Obviously, you can’t have this attitude for everything, but you can utilize it to help you enjoy your life better. You would have to weigh the consequences of your decisions, but if it’s just something where you might offend strangers who will have no bearing on your life, go for it. I enjoy wearing very loud, colorful clothing, hair, sometimes makeup. I don’t look like a well put together 39 year old at all. Does it hurt me that some people think I’m weird? Nope. Does it make me happy to wear happy colors? YES! Does it make me a little secretly happy that people think I’m weird? Maybe a little.
If I say “no” to a favor someone is asking of me because agreeing to the favor could hurt me, my license, or my time with my family and it’s taking advantage of a relationship, does that make me a bad person? Maybe, to that person, but setting boundaries is the ultimate form of living your life to it’s fullest. I tend to want to get support from the masses for my boundary setting, but I’ve found that the more you do for people, the more they will expect and at some point, you just have to be that bitch and support yourself to keep yourself sane. I feel that I go above and beyond for friends, family, employers, and even strangers, so when I eventually have to say “no” I don’t feel as bad. Thankfully, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to stand up for myself and have slowly felt less and less guilt for it.
Anyway, I’m not saying go out there and become a selfish jerk-wad, but take more risks, do more things you’ve always wanted, don’t feel guilty about keeping to yourself or being yourself. Sometimes, when I’m pondering what life is and God(s) and souls, I think about maybe my soul was up there wishing it could come down and experience life on earth – feel the breeze, smell the earth, experience joy and laughter and love – so, in this imaginary scenario, I begged God to make me a human and now I only have maybe 50-60 years max (and likely only 20-30 years of decent mobility) to do all the things I wanted so badly as a soul. So, it’s an old saying, but life IS short. We have a beautiful earth with all kinds of things to do and see and a HUGE spectrum of feelings to have and experience. Go out (or stay in) and love it!
It is difficult to be your authentic self in this world of judgment today. Keep on being you and you will notice how less anxious you will be. I admire you for searching ways to encourage yourself. Your husband and children reap the reward of a calm and happy you.
I love your posts! You are an extraordinary person, lucid dreaming and understanding your boundaries at what is really a young age! Can’t wait to see what you do next!
I love lucid dreams! Taking control of what’s happening in my dream, rewinding them and doing them over until I’m happy. I wish we could rewind our lives at times! I’ve been in that exact birthday situation and hated every moment of it. Now thaty kids are grown, I don’t have to worry about parties and other parents. Now it’s adult parties (which I hate and 99% of the time decline). I hate small talk, I hate constantly feeling like I’m being judged, I feel awkward when everyone else in the rooms seems to already know each other. I love that I’ve learned to say NO when I don’t want to do something. If people get offended, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. People who really know me, know me and understand. Thanks for this post. You’ve confirmed everything I’ve been through and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
Reading your remarks about stress has reminded me that we all have issues with it. I finally learned to be aware when I am going over the cliff and do deep breathing exercises. Have a great day!
“It’s okay to say ‘no’!” Is one of life’s most valuable lessons. Indeed it is not just “okay” but “necessary” the more you have to give whether that’s “free advice” or “extra help”, or financial assistance. The push will always be there to do more and if you don’t say “no” you’ll lose yourself. Give what you can, but draw lines.
Dont worry about not reading Tolstoy’s ‘War and Peace’ because, by today’s standards, it’s totally unreadable. Try reading something German, like Nietsche or Marx, and you will get lost in sentences so long that they’re fill an entire page.
And, your preference for colourful clothing is also not problematic, because it only shows that you don’t want to be ‘normal’. Normal is grey and depressing. Depressed people see the world in grey (See here: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20359698/).
Do you want to be a grey mouse? Or do you (we) want to be a mouse that is purple with green stripes or a glow-in-the-dark mouse?
Above all things….BE YOURSELF
Thank you. This is wonderful
Beautiful and very true. It is hard to help others without remembering yourself. Have a great Easter weekend with To y and the kids.
You’re a very excellent writer. About your comment on clothing styles. I don’t know if you can get WTTW …it is channel 11 where I live in Illinois. Well, they have a series called Paris Murders and main character is named Chole. She is a criminologist. I thought of her right away and hope you are able to watch a show of the series or see the clothes she wears. Purple or bright yellow tights, her hair is beat red, she wear bold colorful prints and heels. Cracks me up. And always has he arm out carrying a large bright yellow handbag. So you would look tame next to her.
One of your best posts.
This is taped to my refrigerator: “When we modify too much of our core identity to fit in, we lose the memory of the self. And that is the biggest loss there is.”
You are doing great. Keep going.
I like the idea of saying it is my world to live in on my own terms. As long as I’m not harming others (or myself, of course), there is nothing wrong with that, and I’ll enjoy life more!
Can’t believe how your children have grown! Your daughter is a mini you.
Took me years to learn how to enjoy my life and not try to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Actually, I allow THEM to be who they are – so they also need to allow ME that privilege.
And I have SO been there at parties, etc.
Have a blessed Easter.
Happy Easter Emily , Tony, and your family!
Emily,
I think what you’re experiencing is exactly what I’ve experienced in the past few years. As a sales representative I have given much of my life to others, making them money, happy or just barely satisfied. I believe we all come to the conclusion (some sooner than others) that our time here is short and we are pressured to please please everyone except ourselves. Take the time to enjoy your family and your life! We only pass this way once!
I have been to parties where I didn’t know anyone, and stood against the wall (by myself, before cell phones) and fell asleep (like a horse).
Very wise words. Good on you that you got these insights. I had a period of time where I was getting stuck in blind allies in my big truck (I used to drive big trucks). I finally one day decided that I was more than tired of those dreams, and I just told myself to not have those dreams anymore! Guess what? It worked. I think we’re saying much the same thing and that is take back your own strength and power.
It is hard to believe you could go “any place” where people would not like to talk to you. Of course, “The Incredible Dr. Pol” is on the most expensive satellite package. With how expensive everything is now, maybe a lot of people have selected a cheaper package. I can’t blame them. I would have so many things to say to you if I were at a birthday party with you. I find it amazing how often you are still appearing on Dr. Pol’s program. You had some of the most interesting cases. I love the show and you are missed.
I remember my father telling me to never be mad at someone who will not do you a favor. A favor is over and above. If your day or week is full up with having already done favors, explain to the person you cannot do it. Time is something we all are struggling with how best to use it.
Enjoy your posts. Have a Blessed Easter.
Doc, have you heard of the monkey theory? Long story short everyone is born with and takes on some monkeys on there back from the day you are born. Think about death as a monkey that grows as you age or monkeys each gender has at birth. However, monkeys you acquire are mostly of our own choosing. Spouse, chrilden, job, etc. After the monkeys you chose to take on the theory is that you only take on the monkeys {responsibilities} that you are comfortable taking on.
You are so brave to post these thoughts. As you mention you need to be kind to yourself and do what it takes too stay healthy mentally and physically.
Take care.
I honestly agree with about 90% of the things you say. This post falls right in line with that percentage. Take care always and have a wonderful Easter!
Ironically, I just heard a sermon from Joyce Meyer that touches on that very topic.
Before she became a preacher, she was very active in her church. On the board, involved with activities…she even volunteered to watch over the kindergarten aged kids at church during services. To wit she discovered that even the children knew she wasn’t cut out for that job. 🙂
Saying “no” after most of my young life of saying “yes” to others so I wouldn’t be thought of as a bad person, was liberating. At first I would bark out NO in such a way everyone would laugh, but end up doing what was asked…even if it interfered with my family time/life. Then when I started to set boundaries because those who kept asking me to do them “favors” were taking advantage of me. Once I performed said favor, I was deemed no longer worthy of being around, until they needed another favor (and there was ALWAYS another favor coming down the pike). So what was the difference in saying “No” and meaning it to doing a “favor” for someone? None.
My circle of friends shrank dramatically once I drew that line. It showed me those who stuck around were my REAL friends and not the posers who used up everyone. Yep, my quality of friends increased and my quantity of friends decreased = happiness!
NOTHING gives you more control of your life than the ability to say NO. You stop berating yourself for giving in and spending your time doing something you don’t want to do while that person is busy enjoying themselves at your expense. It doesn’t matter if it’s relatives,church family,or friends once you start saying no to them they’ll get the idea and move on and you get your life back. Just find one phrase that you use for every request. Example: Sorry. That won’t fit in my schedule. No matter how they beat you up don’t give in EVER.
Emily, I know of the remedy the next time you’re at a birthday party when adults are staring at you. Just blurt out the following:“Hey, yes I’m one of the important stars of the Incredible Dr. Pol show, aired by the National Geographic wild”.
That will let them go home feeling guilty by staring at you, now that’s a monkey they may not like.
Dreams can be a blessing sometimes; I dream of family members passed away, but I have been able to know (during the dream) that it is just a dream and that way, I am happy seeing these people. I am just now at that point in my life at the age of 69, that my time is just that and I don’t worry about pleasing so many others now. It makes my life run smoothly. Taking care of yourself and your family is the most important job that you will ever have. Hugs to you Emily.
So true! You are a great writer. Thanks for your honesty!
I struggle with saying no daily… you’re not alone. We’re about the same age. Here’s to hoping it gets easier to say no as we become grumpy old women! lol!