Happily married tired middle aged female with three young kids seeking other tired parents not willing to stay out later than 10pm – like, let’s meet for dinner at 5. Kids must also be as crazy as mine and develop pack mentality when with yours as long as they leave us the f*9$ alone. Bonus if candidate is also struggling to keep it together and wants to meet in PJs or sweats. Drinking and fluency in sarcasm a must. Must be okay with cheese balls.
The last time I had ride-or-die friends was back in high school and they adopted me into their group off the side of the metaphorical side of the road as a nobody sitting scared in class. Then, I went to college and met a few casual friends, but none that stuck. As I transitioned through college, vet school, then into my first jobs, I still hadn’t accumulated any forever friends. But I had Tony and figured that was all I needed with all the busyness of studying and classes. Then, I slowly realized I needed a friend. One I could chat with (Tony is TERRIBLE at texting/phone communication), send jokes to, gossip, or even have a sounding board about Tony when he’s annoying me (surprisingly, he didn’t take to that job as well).
I made a few friends along the way, but would move, fall out of touch, I fell for the illusion of having lots of friends with the film crew when I worked with Dr. Pol, but since I’ve moved, have found out most of those were mostly situational friends or people just being overly friendly because they wanted you to behave for their TV show. It was also more challenging than I’d like to admit trying to hang out with 20 somethings after hours as a 30 something with kids. The younguns would want to meet up at a place at, like, 10pm and I would be ready for bed already. Then I had a great bestie I finally met and was ecstatic, but then she moved away, dated my brother, then, when they broke up, we lost contact. Then, I had a friend, who happened to be male, got my dark humor as another doctor and everything was GREAT! Until his girlfriend decided he had to get rid of me or her. So, there I go. No more friends, but time to move on to another place anyway.
Hello, Virginia!! Now to look for friends. Here’s the part where dating and making friends are similar and since I haven’t had to make friends OR date since I was 16, I was a bit rusty. If you like someone (as a friend) and think you may enjoy hanging out, but are crippled by the idea of putting yourself out there, what do you do? Most people say start by asking to hang out, but what if I do that and we have nothing to talk about or if whatever I chose to do is lame?? Or what if I have two beers and they think I’m an alcoholic or I have two beers and they think I’m a square?? Or worse, I say square and they’re like “what are you, like 75??”???? Do I just ask for their number like a badass just like “yo, give me your number so we can text and be friends”, or try to think of a reason I might need it to make it sound casual “Hey, can I have your number just in case I get abducted and for some reason have my phone still available to me and can’t remember “911” or anyone else’s number I already have?” – you know, super cashz (casual).
Then, let’s say you get their number and you start by sending them a meme or something to break the ice. Then they respond with an lol. Do you text again? Will that seem to desperate? What if you text them and they don’t text you back? Is it a for sure rejection? Are they just tolerating you? If you’re texting on a daily basis, are you smothering them or is the affection mutual? What if they already have a ton of friends? Do they even need another friend? What are you bringing to the table?
Then, you’re going through all the social rules you’ve learned along the way. “Make sure to talk about them more than you”, “If they’re talking, they’re happy”, “don’t act jealous when you find out they’re declining hanging out because they already have plans with their other friends”, “don’t act desperate or too interested”, whatever your plans for the day, if they invite you for something, drop everything and do it – but make it sound like you had nothing else to do.
Now, lets add another monkey to the wrench. Let’s say the person you connected with first is also your boss. You tell yourself you’re going to keep your professional and your personal relationship separate, but eventually, problems arise. You may want to just vent about a co-worker, but is that going to get that person in trouble? Will your friend question their management? Will they question if you’re questioning their management? What happens when you have to be reprimanded? How could your friend DO that to you??? You better keep it light and communicate first with a little joke or meme to let them know you’re not crushed – cuz that would be lame of you. If you complain about your personal finances, will your friend/boss take that as a passive aggressive underhanded attack about how much you are paid?
Let’s face it, we’re probably all a little more socially awkward than we’d like to be. I definitely am – if I get spooked in public (like someone acknowledging my existence, I’ve been known to dump my goods and run out of the store). I LOVE talking to the public in mass, but get me out on my own in public and I’m a squirrel. Therefore, the idea of putting myself out there when I’m comfortable in my own house with my 22 year bestie seems ridiculous sometimes. So, what is it? I guess it’s having someone in the same situation I’m in so we can bounce frustrations or ideas off each other. Tony’s great, but he’s not a woman and doesn’t deal with or even mostly understand the differences women experience in the world. Do I want a mother friend with perfect children? Absolutely not. My children are half feral and it’s nice to be able to gripe about them without getting “well maybe less processed foods” or screens, or telling me what amazingly simple trick worked for them when their children just came out of the womb polite and boring.
It’s hard moving repeatedly and having to try to integrate yourself with people who have lived in that place for generations and know everyone and have all their friends and social circles already established. But I also think if you seek, you shall find. I have been moving all over the (eastern) country looking for a place that has all I need and people I like to be with. At each stop I have found people I love, but somehow it just wasn’t enough or those people didn’t stick with me. I have truly enjoyed this place in Virginia. It’s got the weather (ALL four seasons!!), the recreational activities, national park, mountains, proximity to a major area (D.C.), and most of all, the people! I love everyone I work with, could go party with any of them, our kids are all growing up together in school, go to each others birthday parties, I’ve found a great church, meet up with a small group from that church, and could not love the preacher any more. And I may have a bestie now too… just don’t tell them or they might think I’m lame.
It is super hard to make those connections as a busy adult. Hang in there! I’m at the place where we are early 60’s and we are losing our friends to mostly cancer. It’s sucks !
Adulting is difficult. We have busy lives, professional responsibilities, parental duties, spousal relationships, and hopefully get a few hours of sleep in between. You are not alone. People come and go in our lives. You will find a few real friends along the way. I’ve made a handful along the way. You will, too! Most of us are in the same situation.
This! All of this! Add on to that a medically fragile child who has no one (except me) to care for him. And then there is the germ factor. If I do get someone to watch him, go somewhere with my non existent friends, am I going to bring any germs back to him. He is my bestie and I guess I’m going to have to be ok with that.
You’re absolute correct! It is hard to make friends when we’re adults. I had a true bestie and she passed from Covid at the very beginning. I realize I’ll never be able to replace her, so why should I even try. Maybe I need to try something new like just being myself & seeing if there are any other compatible potential friends out there. In the meantime, I have my wonderful husband who is always my bestie! Be patient – really good friends are like specs of gold – very hard to find!
You could not be more right, it’s HARD !! I have really good friend whom I am so thankful for, she listens to my crap on the daily, about husband, work, kid, kids GF etc.. I have lived in the same town all my life, just not really a social butterfly (unless I have had a few drinks LOL ) I have a really good work friend, but also know if I left, that would disappear too :(.. anyway all of this to say I look forward to your post in my email, like literally get so excited, you were my favorite on Doctor Pol and I miss seeing you weekly, in my head, we have been friends for years LMAO.. and now I wish I lived in Virginia, because I would most certainly be looking you up 😉
Been there. Don’t that. Eight times. Moved because my husband was transferred. When the kids were young I’d meet other moms, but usually they had lived there a while and had already established friendships. Or I lived by crazy neighbors (in California) and avoided them. I moved to Texas when I was 49. I’m now 69. Still live in Texas. I do have a couple close friends here. And I’ve kept in touch with one friend from one of my moves.
You’re not alone in this struggle. Balancing life, work, marriage, kids, and friendships is tough, and it’s ironic how you can spend your entire life surrounded by people and still often feel very alone. Thanks for your post, it helped me feel a little less alone in the universe 🙂
Exactly the same here! I am older than you, but it’s always been hard for me to meet and become friends with people. I had a group of people I considered friends years ago, but when we quit going out to bars on the weekends and they didn’t, I realized they were drinking buddies and not truly friends. I also worked at home as a medical transcriptionist for 15 year so didn’t get to meet anyone really. So it’s pretty much my husband and adult daughter and 2 grandkids. I would love to have at least one friend to chat with but doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. I have a sister but we don’t have that much in common either so it is what it is I guess.
I had a work friend that I told everything to. She was an excellent listener. I retired 4 years ago and haven’t had her reach out to me once since then. I get it.
I can so relate! I’m prior military and had two great friends that I was very close with. Since I retired from the military, I’ve married my husband who is my best friend, and moved clear across the country. Meeting new female friends has been extremely difficult especially during the pandemic because no one was going anywhere, even across the street! I rarely ever hear from my past friends except for Christmas cards. My main confidants are my siblings and my daughter. 🤷🏻♀️
I love your posts! I think you summed up the difficulties for those of us who are extreme introverts, in trying to make friends. Great job! I’m sure if we were in the same place, I’d love to be friends with you. But would you want to be friends with me? Am I too lame….?
Oh, how I wish I lived in Virginia right now! I love your post more than I can say and relate more than I normally like to admit. I’m old, married 50 years, have a wonderful grown son (almost 49 years old…Yikes!), am a retired writer, passionate about animals, the thing I am most proud of in my life is time and money spent on rescue and feral cat TNR. At 73, I’m quite sure I have an honorary degree in sarcasm, and I also have a problem finding friends. My BFF is 81 and lives across the country from me, and I have just one friend here in MS that I hang out with. So, I’m available if you ever want or need to bitch about anything to a totally non-judgmental stranger. I’d love to call you my friend.
Aww if we lived closer together I’d so hang with you! I have sarcasm, dark humor love to drink coffee, have mom stress brain! Definitely have crazy kids. Since moving from Illinois my home state to Iowa it’s taken me forever to make friends.
I love your posts — they are real and honest. I’m a critical care RN who lives in Rosebush MI. I would have loved to have hung out with you and yours !! You are my husbands and my favorite on Dr Pol!! I even had the unforgettable pleasure of meeting you and your family in Meijer once! It is a challenge to start and keep friendships for many reasons. We need friends but often circumstances and job changes etc are real barriers.
Happy to see you so happy. Love to you and the family.
I used to live in Virginia for 50 years. I moved to NC two years ago. The people here are very nice, but I don’t think they need a new friend. I miss my friends in Virginia, but I occasionally get to go back there to see my son and see a doctor. I try to arrange lunches with my friends whenever possible. I have started having lunch with ladies here in NC. I was never a social butterfly anyway, but I understand what you are saying. I am older, so I guess it is easier for me than you. Enjoy each phase of your life.
My sense of humor is warped and weird. Maybe we should be text buddies where we share stupid memes and gifs and stupid inspirational messages.
I’m 79. Men usually do not have groups of friends. Golf foursome, bowling team etc. You sound centered. Count your blessings, life is good. Healthy marriage, kids and your “followers” love you too.
Hi Emily: I understand completely your angst about meeting and making new friends. Since I retired from work, I don’t socialize much, but the couple of friends that I do have are enough for me. We text but certainly not every day; we meet for coffee or lunch, but once again maybe once or twice a month if lucky. I think at some point in our life, we have to be happy with our own company and if we are lucky to share our life with a furry friend or two, even better. I hope that you are able to stay put for a while. You are doing ok.
I’m glad for your happy ending.
Making friends is difficult for most people. Approaching people with the wrong settings for example a party where there is drinking involved people really loosen up. One would think I can make this person. A friend after the party is over you make a call then they don’t respond back. drinking alcohol does loosen up a person and without that factor person doesn’t respond in a way that they were at the party. The setting maybe as quickly as in grocery store, where you see somebody in line at the cash register and having a casual conversation to ask questions about the local area and where to go shop. opening up a conversation on the subject of friendship may set the settings as to your intentions. This depends upon you and your ability to Smalltalk with that person and cracking jokes.
Being sociable and showing interest in a person is most helpful. And with that Emily, you’ve got it made.
How to delete my God awful message (with grammatical errors)??
Thanks, Dr. Emily. I can relate to the feelings if not the circumstances. I am happily single and an introvert who doesn’t socialize much, and I don’t use a cell phone except to pay my cell-phone bill. I’m glad to read that you’re taking care of you, and I hope to keep doing the same.
Emily, I was so happy to catch up with how and what you are doing. Forgive me, I only know you from watching Dr. Pol episodes over and over.
I don’t know if I missed some of your emails, I guess I must have. I was so happy to see this email.
I so enjoyed your writing, you are a very good writer! Glad you and your family are doing good.
Paula
Beautifully stated, Dr. Emily. I have an active social life, terrific friends through hobbies and interests but would have to also say that my best friend is DH. I’m fortunate to have a college friend and a work friend who have stayed so dear over decades but we don’t live near one another. Moving somewhere new takes time to find those special people who get us and time is our most precious commodity and in scarce supply with a demanding life like yours. Hope you feel loved by many women from afar who admire and appreciate you.
To make real friends you have to be real. You are in a double quandary because you don’t know if people like you for you or for your previous celebrity status. I was diagnosed at 19 with bi-polar and PTSD. A lot of people can’t handle that. I have had some great times with great people but then they disappeared. Even ride or die carries about the same weight as the 10 commandments currently have. Length of relationship is not an indicator of a good friend. I had a friend for over 40 years until we decided to go into business. The end result; bankrupt, publicly disparaged, and a new enemy. Now I am 64 and have 4 friends that are true to the end. They have always been there for me and myself the same. We are from such disparate backgrounds. Our friendships have no logic. 1 male and he is my fishing buddy. I am the only female his wife would ever let him go with. I met him when he was my chief as a volunteer FF. A woman who was my massage therapist now retired, and we have lunch every other week. I will even answer the phone at 3 a.m. for whatever reason, even if its to vent. Sorry so long. Calm the racing thoughts, and left go of logic. The best friends always find a way to you.
I totally get you! Wait till you are 45 and move; you don’t have the kid connection anymore to make friends with the kid parents or be the cool house to be at so that is totally out the door for making connections. Then be the one who works in a ministry setting and so everyone is on eggshells around you because they think they have to be all goody two shoes or you will tell on them. Ha Ha! Then be the farmer’s wife also in this situation that he knows everyone! I’ve been here almost 20 years and still don’t have a ride or die for friend. Probably won’t ever. Thank
God for my daughter in law who gets me. Don’t give up – I’m not but it is hard.
I can SO relate! My life situation is completely different but your insight about making new friends after a major life change is surprisingly similar! Thanks for sharing…and making me smile.
I Admire that you left a very successful reality show for the sake of your family and your sanity. I was sad to see you go. But reading your blog I see how happy your family is. You were brave to make the change. Keep the faith.
I can relate, except whole the marriage and kids thing. Whenever in college, I had so many friends it was hard to keep up with them. Mind you I went to college (again) in my late 30’s. The kids loved being around me and I with them. I suppose they needed someone with some wisdom aside from their parents’ advice. I protected them as best as I could, offered advice and friendship. And never heard from any of them after we graduated (even 21 years later). My church, I assumed, would provide lifelong friends. That wasn’t the case. Friends from high school with kids that have already flown the nest, showed disinterest in reforming the friendship despite weekly encounters in Bible Study class.
I had one female friend (I knew all her siblings for many years) blurt out ‘I have enough friends; I don’t need any more’. It wasn’t my idea, but I never saw or heard from her again.
Then I moved to another state.
Making new friends, though I am dubious of one neighbor…she thinks she owns the cul de sac. I like being the newbie on the block and the fresh beginning I am experiencing.
It’s interesting going to bed or being tired by 9-10pm. I suppose when we were young time was irrelevant having so much energy to spend. These days, I burn out early…probably due to my two kitties that have me up before the sunrise, feeding their insatiable appetites, and caring for my father. I continue to hold out hope that I will meet a person to form a strong friendship.
As Winston, from John Wick’s movie, said, ‘Such is life!”