Some friends and I got into a very interesting and enlightening conversation the other day. One friend, we’ll call her Jenny, had just accidentally found out that her husband had been looking at porn for the past several years and was horrified. She went into the confusing feelings she was having dealing with it all.
- She had been lied to. Even when she directly asked him about it, he denied it. He did not confess until she presented her evidence she had come upon. Her husband, whom had been a fantastic dad and husband for their entire relationship had lied to her – for years. He had cracked that solid base that she stood and relied on to function in life. What else could he be lying about?! What else could he have hidden after all these years while being able to look directly into her eyes and lie!?!
- Was she not attractive enough for him? All the women in the porn videos are completely made up with ridiculously impossible bodies (often surgically and/or digitally altered) for her to achieve, especially after kids. What if he was going there because she was not enough for him anymore? Should she put in more effort into losing weight? Wear more provocative clothing? Make-up? Get a boob job??
- Why was she trying to appease HIM? Why was she putting all of this on herself? She should love herself and he should love her just the way she was, but obviously he didn’t.
Another friend, let’s call her Wilma, just brushed off Jenny’s concerns and said “I don’t see the problem, all men do it, and it’s actually healthy – sometimes I’ll watch it with my husband if we want to spice it up a little.”
When the men (adamantly trying to avoid being involved in the conversation by watching the tv and fervently discussing soccer) were questioned, one’s point of view was that there is a lot of pressure on a man (or a decent one I’ll interject) to make sure the woman is interested in fooling around, and then has a good time during intercourse and that with porn, there is no pressure in either way and he can just enjoy himself all by himself and not feel stressed.
We understood that, but Jenny’s feelings were also pertinent. They were REAL feelings and it was okay for her to feel those feelings. We encouraged her to talk about it with him so that they could each air out what they were feeling and discuss it.
Later, we asked her about it and she said that her husband had no idea how looking at porn would hurt her, that he had never even thought about how it would make her feel and that he was just sold the normalcy of it through TV, advertisements, media, etc. He claimed that now that he knew how much it hurt her, he would never go back to it. I was like, “so if he didn’t think it would hurt you, why did he lie about it to your face?” She said he was just ashamed because it was embarrassing.
Hopefully, Jenny got one of the *rare* good ones and he will uphold his word. But what has gotten us into this conundrum? Is Jenny being silly for being upset about this? Should we, as partners, just expect “boys to be boys” and internalize our feelings of betrayal, hurt, or not being good enough? Do men just have the unspoken okay to go out and seek other sources of sexual entertainment without their spouse’s consent?
Watching shows like “The Crown” I see that back in the day, it was quite normal, though not talked about for men to go to “Gentlemen’s club” and to seek other women’s attention that way. Since, this has become less acceptable, but online porn is still VERY easily available. Many will tell you that it is perfectly normal and healthy, and if everyone involved in the decision to partake is ACTUALLY okay with it, then, sure, go for it, it’s not hurting anyone per se. But, this conversation makes me wonder – How many women or partners just pretend to be okay with it so they will not appear “uncool”? How many accept it and tell others to accept it because they feel they cannot change men and if they make a big deal out of it, no men will want their prudish selves?
I’ve been listening to a book called “Boundaries” and one thing I’ve learned from it and will try to apply to this subject is that everyone has their own limits and boundaries as to what they find acceptable behavior. From the get go, if you find the idea of your partner doing something wrong or unacceptable, you set that line. I bet a lot more people would set a line if they thought it was okay to. If you would feel hurt by your partner looking at others for sexual pleasure, you say “I’m not doing that.” and set that limit for you and your partner. Your partner will either, with respect and love that they should have for you, say, okay, I will stop, or tell you you’re being ridiculous and continue to bring you harm.
The main point is: you and your partner should feel comfortable with each other AND with each other’s set boundaries. There should be open conversations about LITERALLY everything. To be honest, I am a terrible communicator in that I cannot get the right words out when I want to – the other day I was angry with Tony and told him “I want to love you, but am not able to right now”. What he heard was “I don’t love you even though I’m supposed to” He, then, proceeded to sink into a deep depression for at least 24 hours. I thought he was just pouting because I had gotten onto him, so ignored his behavior. When I finally talked to him about it, I found out how my statement had come off and had to completely reword my statement. In typical Emily fashion, still not communicating well, I said “I didn’t mean that I want to love you like I want to like cheesecake (because I absolutely don’t like cheesecake, but everyone talks so highly of it), I meant I want to love you like I want to eat an entire chocolate cake, but know I shouldn’t” because he had wronged me. He understood and we’re fine now. Just a little communication. I have told him since that when he feels put out by me or my words, he needs to IMMEDIATELY say something like “wow, that kind of hurt. What I HEARD was… ” and then I can immediately confirm that’s what I meant or change my wording.
Sorry, got side tracked. The point is, it’s okay to set personal boundaries and expect your partner or future partners to respect those boundaries. There’s no point in bottling all of your heartache up because you feel that you’re supposed to accept things you personally cannot accept. THAT is NOT healthy.
*Side note about porn* – I’m not picking sides here. If both partners are absolutely and honestly okay with it, then great! But have the conversation and really talk about how it makes each other feel before continuing.