Happily married tired middle aged female with three young kids seeking other tired parents not willing to stay out later than 10pm – like, let’s meet for dinner at 5. Kids must also be as crazy as mine and develop pack mentality when with yours as long as they leave us the f*9$ alone. Bonus if candidate is also struggling to keep it together and wants to meet in PJs or sweats. Drinking and fluency in sarcasm a must. Must be okay with cheese balls.
The last time I had ride-or-die friends was back in high school and they adopted me into their group off the side of the metaphorical side of the road as a nobody sitting scared in class. Then, I went to college and met a few casual friends, but none that stuck. As I transitioned through college, vet school, then into my first jobs, I still hadn’t accumulated any forever friends. But I had Tony and figured that was all I needed with all the busyness of studying and classes. Then, I slowly realized I needed a friend. One I could chat with (Tony is TERRIBLE at texting/phone communication), send jokes to, gossip, or even have a sounding board about Tony when he’s annoying me (surprisingly, he didn’t take to that job as well).
I made a few friends along the way, but would move, fall out of touch, I fell for the illusion of having lots of friends with the film crew when I worked with Dr. Pol, but since I’ve moved, have found out most of those were mostly situational friends or people just being overly friendly because they wanted you to behave for their TV show. It was also more challenging than I’d like to admit trying to hang out with 20 somethings after hours as a 30 something with kids. The younguns would want to meet up at a place at, like, 10pm and I would be ready for bed already. Then I had a great bestie I finally met and was ecstatic, but then she moved away, dated my brother, then, when they broke up, we lost contact. Then, I had a friend, who happened to be male, got my dark humor as another doctor and everything was GREAT! Until his girlfriend decided he had to get rid of me or her. So, there I go. No more friends, but time to move on to another place anyway.
Hello, Virginia!! Now to look for friends. Here’s the part where dating and making friends are similar and since I haven’t had to make friends OR date since I was 16, I was a bit rusty. If you like someone (as a friend) and think you may enjoy hanging out, but are crippled by the idea of putting yourself out there, what do you do? Most people say start by asking to hang out, but what if I do that and we have nothing to talk about or if whatever I chose to do is lame?? Or what if I have two beers and they think I’m an alcoholic or I have two beers and they think I’m a square?? Or worse, I say square and they’re like “what are you, like 75??”???? Do I just ask for their number like a badass just like “yo, give me your number so we can text and be friends”, or try to think of a reason I might need it to make it sound casual “Hey, can I have your number just in case I get abducted and for some reason have my phone still available to me and can’t remember “911” or anyone else’s number I already have?” – you know, super cashz (casual).
Then, let’s say you get their number and you start by sending them a meme or something to break the ice. Then they respond with an lol. Do you text again? Will that seem to desperate? What if you text them and they don’t text you back? Is it a for sure rejection? Are they just tolerating you? If you’re texting on a daily basis, are you smothering them or is the affection mutual? What if they already have a ton of friends? Do they even need another friend? What are you bringing to the table?
Then, you’re going through all the social rules you’ve learned along the way. “Make sure to talk about them more than you”, “If they’re talking, they’re happy”, “don’t act jealous when you find out they’re declining hanging out because they already have plans with their other friends”, “don’t act desperate or too interested”, whatever your plans for the day, if they invite you for something, drop everything and do it – but make it sound like you had nothing else to do.
Now, lets add another monkey to the wrench. Let’s say the person you connected with first is also your boss. You tell yourself you’re going to keep your professional and your personal relationship separate, but eventually, problems arise. You may want to just vent about a co-worker, but is that going to get that person in trouble? Will your friend question their management? Will they question if you’re questioning their management? What happens when you have to be reprimanded? How could your friend DO that to you??? You better keep it light and communicate first with a little joke or meme to let them know you’re not crushed – cuz that would be lame of you. If you complain about your personal finances, will your friend/boss take that as a passive aggressive underhanded attack about how much you are paid?
Let’s face it, we’re probably all a little more socially awkward than we’d like to be. I definitely am – if I get spooked in public (like someone acknowledging my existence, I’ve been known to dump my goods and run out of the store). I LOVE talking to the public in mass, but get me out on my own in public and I’m a squirrel. Therefore, the idea of putting myself out there when I’m comfortable in my own house with my 22 year bestie seems ridiculous sometimes. So, what is it? I guess it’s having someone in the same situation I’m in so we can bounce frustrations or ideas off each other. Tony’s great, but he’s not a woman and doesn’t deal with or even mostly understand the differences women experience in the world. Do I want a mother friend with perfect children? Absolutely not. My children are half feral and it’s nice to be able to gripe about them without getting “well maybe less processed foods” or screens, or telling me what amazingly simple trick worked for them when their children just came out of the womb polite and boring.
It’s hard moving repeatedly and having to try to integrate yourself with people who have lived in that place for generations and know everyone and have all their friends and social circles already established. But I also think if you seek, you shall find. I have been moving all over the (eastern) country looking for a place that has all I need and people I like to be with. At each stop I have found people I love, but somehow it just wasn’t enough or those people didn’t stick with me. I have truly enjoyed this place in Virginia. It’s got the weather (ALL four seasons!!), the recreational activities, national park, mountains, proximity to a major area (D.C.), and most of all, the people! I love everyone I work with, could go party with any of them, our kids are all growing up together in school, go to each others birthday parties, I’ve found a great church, meet up with a small group from that church, and could not love the preacher any more. And I may have a bestie now too… just don’t tell them or they might think I’m lame.
