The Parenting Tip that kids don’t want you to know
- Pics from our very indulgent vacation we just got back from…
My children and us were having a conversation last night. We were saying that when they have kids, we will be that child’s grandparent and we will be able to say “you did that when you were a kid” when they complain to us about things. Oscar stated he would be a better parent than us. I said “are we not good parents” to which he replied “yes, but I’ll be better”. I asked what he would do differently and finally, after some coaxing since he knew I was slightly offended, he came up with “I would let them do more things they wanted to”. That’s when I decided to let them in on a little life secret.
I turned to him and said “I’m going to let you know about a super secret parenting fact that, for some reason, parents don’t usually tell their kids. I love you guys more than ANYTHING in the world and nothing, I mean NOTHING makes be happier than seeing you guys happy. But, as a parent, it’s my job to make sure you guys turn out to be good people and respectable adults. If I were to give you everything you want, which I WANT to, you would expect everyone and the world to treat you the same way. You would be one of those awful people who only think about themselves and are spoiled and get super mad when things don’t go their way. I want you all to be loving, giving, compassionate people and sometimes that means dealing with not getting everything you want. In the real world, you’ll go into a job and be expected to get things done in a timely manner – including getting your shoes on – and if you don’t, you’ll get fired. The other reason is that you are children and I’m an adult with almost 40 years of experience and I know outcomes of some of the things you think you want. I have to keep you protected from hurting yourselves or being unhealthy”
Parenting is SO hard and not just because you’re exhausted from being a servant to three little piglets (to a certain age) or trying to wrap your brain around the decisions their little primordial brains make, but mostly trying to decide what you should take care of and what you should not. If parenting were just being a servant to a demanding little idiot, it would be tiring, frustrating, hair pulling, but I think what makes parenting harder on the next level is allowing them to make that decision you would have stopped and letting them learn why it was stupid. A good parent knows that the best way to learn is to experience it yourself, but it’s SO hard to sit there and comfort the tears that you could easily fix, but stop yourself for the lesson learned.
Once, Oscar wanted a watch SOOOOO bad – he picked it out – it was a Pokemon watch (like $10 ) and he loved it! One day he came home crying because he had lost it at school. He had taken it off to wash his hands in the bathroom and left it and when he came back, it was gone. Oscar is my most sensitive child and I love that about him, so watching him cry over this was heart wrenching. All I wanted to do was grab my keys and run out right then and replace it for him. But instead I had to hold him and explain about responsibility and loss while he cried even harder that I wouldn’t get him a new one, ripping my heart in two.
Losing something as small (not in his mind) as a $10 watch that he’d had for a whopping 2 weeks is a much preferred lesson on loss than other things he could and will lose in his life and dealing with loss is a very important lesson in life – processing the emotions and the grief and acceptance, learning lessons from what could have been done differently – slowly builds an emotional maturity ready to better handle the world. Hopefully, now when he’s 30 and his favorite coffee mug breaks, he’ll be sad, but he won’t fall on the floor and think the world has come to an end or worse, scream at his child for knocking off the counter.
So, kids, just know that we are bound by our duty to make you into decent adults and even though we’d love nothing more than to stop your tears with new things and watch your faces light up, we have to make hard decisions about what we can indulge you with and what just needs to be a life lesson. And thanks to this lesson, my kids are very familiar with the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What you Want”
Raising Future “Leaders” of the World – ain’t nobody got time for that.
Like, seriously, what’s the likeliness my kids will be a president? Like even less than if they were a professional athlete, right?
When I was growing up and even after I was an adult and had kids, I would hear the thing about “raising the future leaders of the world” and just chucked that idea to the side because 1. I certainly was not going to be a leader – I’m average at best at everything I do. And 2. It’s just statistically unlikely that I or my children will every actually be a leader high up in the rankings. So, I never thought much of that saying and even thought it was a little hokey to say. Then, the other night, I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, letting my mind wander when this idea came upon me.
What if that saying does not literally mean that we could be raising the next US president or diplomat or religious leader? What if it just meant that we are raising people who will influence other people throughout their life? I think that sounds much more important. Like every child has the opportunity to influence those around them and, therefore be a leader.
The idea that I, as a single person in a world of billions, can influence the world to be a better place is, at least, slightly less of a daunting and crushing idea if you imagine that every person you come in contact with can be influenced to be a better person, even if they don’t show it right away. But, then imagine your creating little clones of yourself, little helpers (children, not robots) that can then go out and spread the same message as they were raised (after they come back from the dark side of the moon, anyways). If you can influence, let’s say 10 people, now with 3 kids, you and them can get 40. And if they each have 3 kids now, we’ve influenced 100 people to be better.
Obviously, this is all speculative. My kids could resent me for some reason or get into drugs or “the wrong crowd” and not follow this path. Or I could be crazy and just be perpetuating the crazy by spreading it with my kids, but for now, for the idea that we are raising leaders of the world, even if they’re small leaders who spread the love, lets just imagine that everyone does this, and so a multitude of very small leaders leads to a large change and better society.
So, let’s raise our children to be those (small group) leaders who can influence others to do the right thing and to make a better world for themselves. I think that is a much more attainable and worthy goal for our kids. When I think about parenting in those terms, I feel like I’m doing a little more for the world by trying to hold in my temper or fly off the handle about something without the proper pause and introspection. (I still lose my temper with them sometimes, no worries). I try to make sure I treat strangers with respect and give them the benefit of the doubt. I try to quell my children’s anger when they are mad at each other or another kid at school and try to make them think about the situation from the other side or even consider that they may be mistaken in what they perceived happened. I’ve been pretty impressed with their perception of right and wrong in situations, understanding that they are all still very young and sweet.
Things they do that makes me proud of who they are right now: Calvin was having his birthday party to turn 5 recently and when asked who he wanted to invite, his very first people on his list were India and Oscar’s best friends because he “wanted India and Oscar to have a fun time”. Oscar consistently makes sure that others around him are taken care of (when he’s not fighting with his siblings). If there’s candy offered and Calvin or India aren’t there, he will make sure to give some of his candy to them when he finally sees them. He traded one of his toys for another toy he knew Calvin had wanted and surprised him with it.
India, our precious baby girl, is not our sweetest kid, she has been known to be on the spicy side (pummeled a boy with a hippity-hop in kindergarten who was picking on her and the other day threatened any imaginary person who is picking on Oscar in the future) but she’s very fair and responsible, volunteering to help the boys or us to make our lives easier. India has also been more curious in civil rights lately, asking if I think black people are equal to white and then wants to know why other people don’t think they are. I get to take that opportunity to educate her about how awful white people were to black people and see her astonishment that that was ever a thing. Then she asks about last names and I get to discuss how women were also once thought of as “less than”. It hurts to have to educate her on these things but hopefully, it will open her eyes to modern day injustices and continue to spread love and acceptance and that’s all I can ask for.
And, yes, we HAVE talked to India about our vast preference for non-violence. We have talked with her about calling for help, getting an adult, calling 911, all before getting physical.
So, the next time you are worried about your child maybe not being presidential material, and are wondering how on earth you are supposed to influence the world with little ol’, regular you, just imagine creating a loving, caring being in your child who will one day grow up to be someone special to every person they encounter. That your child could be an extension of your own love and and desire for peace and unity. Our children are, literally, the future. We won’t be around in the next 100 years, so let’s make sure our values are continued on and grow even as we wither and pass.
Babes part I – Indie bindi pants
This is part I of the stories of my three babies. I was super lucky enough to have not lost one pregnancy and for that, I cannot be thankful enough. When Tony and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 17, I did not want kids at all. They were loud, annoying, and honestly, I always felt judged by them (they just stare at you like they’re so cool). But as I aged, I started getting a hankering for, maybe, a family. Then, once, when I went off to an externship to Rood and Riddle, Tony gave me a cute little teddy bear as a going away present. One night, while I was laying in one of the bunk beds provided to externs, waiting for an emergency colic or dystocia call, I was cuddling that bear and half asleep, felt the incredible softness of the top of the bear’s head on my lips and imagined it was that heavenly downy hair of an infant and immediately knew that I wanted children in my future. It was good timing too, because I also was sure that I wanted to be one of the amazing vets at Rood and Riddle but then saw how busy they all were that only one of the many female doctors there at the time had a child. When I asked one of them about it they just told me that their lives were way to busy and chaotic to even consider children.
Once I finally graduated vet school and got done with my internship, I was already 27 and knew that the longer I waited, the more risky pregnancies became. I had just started my first real job and the last thing I wanted to do was to get fired for being pregnant (yes, I could have been fired as the company was less than 50 employees – actually less than 5). I also did not want to sacrifice the health and safety of me and my potential babies by continuing to wait until “the right time” as many have told me there is never a right time. So, 2 months into my first job, we finally decided to stop preventing pregnancy as we’d heard that it can take awhile. Well, the next month, I was pregnant. I knew I was before I even took the test – I was at a dairy and had just pulled a calf as a huge thunderstorm was just clearing up and I just felt a little tinge of excitement that radiated from my abdomen and just knew what that meant.
I took a pregnancy test before I even missed my period and it was faint, but it was positive. It was right around Christmas time and so I quite sloppily rolled the stick that I peed on in some wrapping paper and asked Tony to open an early present. He opened it, looked at it for a second, then looked at me funny and said “why did you give me a negative pregnancy test?” – which kind of took the wind out of my sails, but only for a second as I led him over to the closest window to show him that in the right light, you could see the faint blue line. He still was not sure about it, but I was and he was excited for me – I had to take another one later, after I missed my period to really prove it to him.
Things were going well for us for about a week and a half when I was riding one of my horses and he decided that he was done being ridden and started bucking a little. I immediately got off of him to be proactive since I was now pregnant and had to be more careful. Later that day, I was in the shower when it happened – I started bleeding. I had a river of blood running down my legs. It was scary, but it stopped and I thought maybe I had just irritated something with the bucking. I was a little worried, but went to my first doctor’s appointment for the pregnancy and mentioned it to the nurse checking me in. She said that I would have to go and talk to the triage nurse. Tony and I walked into the office, knowing something was not right. She talked to us like something bad had happened and that I would need an immediate ultrasound to see if I was still pregnant. I can’t tell you why, but I had never thought about that bleeding being a finality in my pregnancy. We were not scheduled to have an ultrasound that day, so we had to wait in line behind all the women who had a scheduled appointment.
We sat there, outside the ultrasound room for over an hour and watched couple after couple go in, heard the Doppler find the heartbeat, and then saw them leave, smiling with their adorable black and white print out of their healthy, live, little one. Tony and I just sat in silence. This was the first that we thought that we may have lost our baby. We didn’t know what to say to each other and were both barely holding it together without having to make our voices behave. I sat there, holding some stupid brochure the triage nurse had given me, wringing my sweaty hands, my whole body shaking. Finally, an eternity and a half later, they called us in. She asked me to lay down and explained that since I was so early, she would have to ultrasound me trans-vaginally. Honestly, I didn’t care where she had to put that probe, I just needed to know right now if our little life was still alive.
I lay back and stared at the black ultrasound screen. I’m not sure if I was breathing at all at that point. She inserted the probe and started the scan. We saw black fluid in the uterus, she scanned and scanned and scanned for what seemed like an eternity when out popped this beautiful little round creature with an even more beautiful strong heart just fluttering away. She looked just like a baby sea turtle to me in that moment. We were so happy – everything was okay. We also got an adorable little black and white photo of our little sea turtle and left that room with smiles as big as our faces. That was India – and I later gave her a “spirit animal” assignment of a sea turtle.
She was born the day after I was out performing a DA surgery on a cow. I was actually scheduled for an induction due to her large size, but she had other plans. I showed up the morning before my scheduled induction at the Columbia, SC hospital and told them I was in labor. I think they thought I was just a day early to check in for my induction. They kind of nonchalantly got my file as I had disappeared behind the check-in counter doubled over in pain and then led me to an exam room. They made my mother and Tony go to the waiting room. I quickly got undressed and into my gown feeling like my undercarriage was about to fall out and tried to lay/sit on the bed but was way too uncomfortable. The bed that was in the room was some weird triage bed or something and different sections of padding was coming undone and falling to the floor. So it was like I was laying in a foam pit you would see at a gym.
Finally, about 45 minutes to an hour later, a nurse came in (again, nonchalantly) and saw that I was in labor by my face. She put the contraction monitor on my belly and told me that my contractions were not that bad – which immediately made me feel like a wimp because I was currently dying. Then, at some point, someone finally checked my cervix and I was at 7 cm. THEN they rushed me to a delivery room where I asked for an epidural. Now, I’ll tell you – I was GOING to go all natural, I had read all the opinions on this and was certain up until the point that I was sure my nether regions had already split in twain and there was not yet a baby on the floor. When the anesthesiologist showed up maybe 10 minutes later, the nurse was checking me and delightfully informed me that it was too late for an epidural, that I was ready to push.
I pushed for 30 minutes, kicking a student nurse holding my leg in the face (on accident) and promptly apologizing, before the doctor came in and informed me that I was not pushing right. She showed me how to push and I got India out in another 30 minutes, feeling every tear and popping of flesh as she made her way out. She was a healthy 8lb 2oz. They put her on my chest as they sewed me up and she just cried and cried. I asked when she would stop crying and the doctor informed me “Not until she’s 18”.
How to: Bathe three children under 7
Now, for something more on the light hearted side.
So, you’ve decided to bathe your young children?
1. Contemplate whether they really, truly need a bath. I mean, they just had one, like, ….. well, let’s see: India started with her braided hair, then down the next day, then ponytail, then beavertail because she slept on it and apparently spends the entire night following the fan blades with her face. So.. like 2,3, was it really 5 days ago?? They probably need a bath.
2. Prepare yourself, mentally. This is possibly the most important step to the entire process. You may think I’m about to suggest having a drink before you start, but, oddly enough, children tend to elicit the opposite response of alcohol on a sane adult and will only shorten your patience. No, you need to pre-plan a bath at least 15 minutes to a couple of hours, and maybe, even a few days (when you get to ponytail, you’ve still got a couple of days) ahead of time to make it through this trying time. Envision the bath going well (yes, you may giggle), see the children cooperating with getting into the bath, getting properly wet, and keeping all the water in the tub.
3. Make sure you allow yourself and the children adequate time for the bath before bedtime. You haven’t seen a mutiny until you tell children they have to take a quick bath (with NO bubbles!?!) as it’s five minutes to bedtime. Make sure to calculate for the time you will spend loudly vocalizing for the 14th time to take their clothes off, that they can’t ALL pee in the toilet at once, wipe your pee off the floor and your brother, and then the “chase time” immediately following the bath.
4. Gently and lightly mention to your husband that you think it might be bath time, making sure you mean it if you say it audibly enough for him to hear.
5. Watch children lose their ever loving minds, ripping around the house like a Labrador or Boxer when you mention going for a walk.
6. Help children tripping over their own clothes as they attempt to shed them before even getting to the bathroom. You will also have the straggler who will attempt to get into the bath having only removed his pants – gently coax him out of the bath while reminding him he needs to be naked and go potty first and then watch him melt down as his brother is already peeing in the toilet and knows he will then get to the bath first (every time).
7. Help your daughter get into a separate bath/shower if she needs it, but lets be honest, she’s independent and will take care of herself for the most part – discussion on hair to follow. (Note: all three children bathed together at one time until opposite gender curiosity and shear mass of 130lb of wriggling bouncing flesh in one small bath like a small pot of boiling potatoes).
8. Allow the kids to pick colors for their bath – most important part. Argue with them incessantly over why they shouldn’t pull ALL the colors in the bath at one time, then realize the point is moot. If they want to bathe in a black lagoon, what do I care?
9. Make sure you aren’t wearing any clothes that you would like to wear the rest of the evening or make a purchase of a oceanic fisherman’s outfit. At this point, I find it most efficient to jump in (not the bath, though I’m not sure I have a good argument as to why not as you are going to be as wet as them anyway), douse the boys in water, attack them with shampoo. Catch the toddler as he runs and screams EVERY time you touch his delicate little head with water. Sometimes, holding him by his face as you rinse his hair may be necessary – don’t worry, it’s tear-free shampoo.
10. All you need to wash is heads, pits, and bottoms – boys apparently get lent rings around their penises if they’re wearing diaper/pull-ups and God knows you can’t trust them to clean these areas thoroughly. Sometimes, if I’m tired or made the mistake of having a drink with dinner, I will just squirt some extra soap in the water, agitate it really good, then close the shower curtain and let them run the spin cycle.
11. Now, they will request play time – which you will concede to because you prepared for this time (couldn’t take their antics any longer and said “BATH TIME”) This is when you will attempt to get some other small house chores done such as cleaning litter boxes or doing some laundry and will feel better about yourself and your superior efficiency when you will hear from the boy’s bathroom “hahahhah! That tickles!” which any parent of young children in the bath will immediately recognize and rush to the bathroom, pull back the curtain and discover what on earth they are doing.
12. Bath time is over. Get out. NOW.
13. Pull the drain as both boys start yelling and crying that they want to stay in the bath longer then, once all the water is gone ask them why they are just standing naked in the empty tub getting cold.
14. Catch each of them as they decide it’s a good idea to jump from the slick side of the tub to the very wet, slick floor. Wrap them in character themed towels and watch as spiderman and an adorable little ducky waddle into the bedroom and then promptly shrivel into a ball on the floor.
15. Remember you have a daughter – your sweet baby girl – STILL HASN’T WASHED HER *bleepidy bleep* HAIR!!
16. Chase children around the house as they squeal and laugh and use their wetness to slip out of your grip as you attempt to prepare them for bed.
17. Get them to bed.
18. Put toddler back in bed
19. Honor toddler’s request for a 5th kiss/hug because he says “pwease maw maw”
20. NOW have a drink – and change clothes.
