For the past couple of years, I have been plagued with horrible and recurrent dreams. Every night was either a repeat of the same theme with only slightly different scenarios, or the exact same scenario, but just a continuation of the storyline. For instance, I had a book report due on “War and Peace” due in a few days and I hadn’t even acquired the book yet and then the next night was the same book report due, but now it was in 1 day, and the next night it was due in an hour, and so forth. Other recurrences were having to pack to move or leave a vacation or dorm room and only having a few hours to have everything out of the house and cleaned up. These dreams HAUNTED me. Finally, one night in one of the dreams, I realized it was a dream and was able to control what I did in that virtual world and it was freeing!
Slowly, as I began to dream more where I knew it was a dream, I started to try to apply that to my “real” life – I mean, no, I didn’t try to fly or rob a bank or actually finish “War and Peace” (though I tried) or anything crazy like that. But, somehow, viewing the world as MY world, seeing people as playing roles in MY life, somewhat seeing the world as my own virtual reality with my perspective as the main component really helped me to take more control of my feelings and emotions concerning problems in my life and the world. I know this sounds crazy hokie and maybe a little egocentric, and I could totally see how a different personality embracing this view could be detrimental, but for me, it was enlightening and therapeutic.
For instance, I had to endure a child’s birthday party that my child was invited to. Something they don’t always tell you when you become a parent is that some birthday parties, especially when they’re young, you are expect to STAY for that party. Stay at a stranger’s party. With strangers. And their strange kids. Usually, at these parties, I stress and stress the whole time I’m huddling in a corner, trying to pay attention to smiling at people when they look my way or thinking of something to say to the people standing next to me. But this time, I decided this was my life in MY world. So, I sat myself down in a corner, per usual, and just played on my phone and didn’t care if anyone was looking at me and didn’t even attempt to make conversation. This may sound like an incredibly rude behavior, but it was 2 hours that my stomach wasn’t digesting itself with stress just so I could appear socially “normal”. It allowed me to actually relax and enjoy life instead of dreading it.
Obviously, you can’t have this attitude for everything, but you can utilize it to help you enjoy your life better. You would have to weigh the consequences of your decisions, but if it’s just something where you might offend strangers who will have no bearing on your life, go for it. I enjoy wearing very loud, colorful clothing, hair, sometimes makeup. I don’t look like a well put together 39 year old at all. Does it hurt me that some people think I’m weird? Nope. Does it make me happy to wear happy colors? YES! Does it make me a little secretly happy that people think I’m weird? Maybe a little.
If I say “no” to a favor someone is asking of me because agreeing to the favor could hurt me, my license, or my time with my family and it’s taking advantage of a relationship, does that make me a bad person? Maybe, to that person, but setting boundaries is the ultimate form of living your life to it’s fullest. I tend to want to get support from the masses for my boundary setting, but I’ve found that the more you do for people, the more they will expect and at some point, you just have to be that bitch and support yourself to keep yourself sane. I feel that I go above and beyond for friends, family, employers, and even strangers, so when I eventually have to say “no” I don’t feel as bad. Thankfully, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to stand up for myself and have slowly felt less and less guilt for it.
Anyway, I’m not saying go out there and become a selfish jerk-wad, but take more risks, do more things you’ve always wanted, don’t feel guilty about keeping to yourself or being yourself. Sometimes, when I’m pondering what life is and God(s) and souls, I think about maybe my soul was up there wishing it could come down and experience life on earth – feel the breeze, smell the earth, experience joy and laughter and love – so, in this imaginary scenario, I begged God to make me a human and now I only have maybe 50-60 years max (and likely only 20-30 years of decent mobility) to do all the things I wanted so badly as a soul. So, it’s an old saying, but life IS short. We have a beautiful earth with all kinds of things to do and see and a HUGE spectrum of feelings to have and experience. Go out (or stay in) and love it!
