mental health - This Little Light

May 6, 2023May 6, 2023

It’s too late, save yourself! #guns #whowillsaveyoursoul

This cute picture of a kitten holding on for dear life is the last cute picture you’ll see on this article. From here, I have posted screenshots of articles I found just this morning of injuries and tragic deaths related to guns. Please note that 90% of these happened within the last week. The others within the past 4 months.

Alright, you win. I will concede. You’re right. It’s not guns. And there’s nothing we can do about the number and concentration of guns in this country at this point. Guns are so inundated in our society, no amount of regulations or laws will help to decrease the violence. We have a mental health problem in this country and THAT is what is causing all this violence that guns have just gotten sucked into. The mental health problem I’m talking about is fear. Fear in “the other” coming to take our families and our way of living. Fear of what we think we know as “the bad guy” as well as a mental reliance on the need to show power, and, I dare say, the lack of Faith in God to protect us and keep His will; instead taking other people’s lives flippantly for granted.

Since Obama was president.. oh, um… I don’t know, FIFTEEN years ago, I’ve been hearing nothing but “They’re gonna come take your guns” and people making and selling paraphernalia about the 2nd amendment “come and take it”. Yet no one has ever tried to take anyone’s guns. Not even tried. But the public is being sold this idea that at any minute, their 2nd amendment rights will be swept out from underneath them and it’s done what it was intended – it’s vastly increased gun sales and “big gun” has profited immensely off the fear they have sold. Everyone who’s anyone went out and bought guns because they were told they would soon not be able to. The gun folks created a false sense of urgency and need and, boy, did it ever work. People who had never considered buying guns went out and purchased and people with guns went out and bought more.

Then there’s the lie that a “bad guy” is going to come and take your pursuit of happiness – whether it’s your security, your family, or your possessions. With the media as we have it, with coverage of every minor crime, it seems like the world is a far more dangerous and scary place than “back in my day” when the news didn’t cover everything and many things were still legal – like beating your wife in public up until the 1970s – after that it was still okay as long as behind closed doors. Luckily, since 1990, crime has been slowly coming down. While I’m sure there are still situations where you need extra protection, having the ultimate death tool at your hand all the time is likely much more dangerous than not having a defensive weapon at all.

I’m scared of guns. I’ll admit it. To me, they are like having an open flame going at all times whenever you have one and someone innocent is MUCH more likely to get hurt or killed because of your owning one than an actual deserving bad guy. And when I say “an actual deserving bad guy” I mean someone who is actually going to hurt you or your family. I could tell you a dozen or more stories of my own family who have thought someone was breaking into their house only to find a son home late from college or just a drunk guy who came to the wrong house. If my uncle had a gun ready to go when he saw his large bulking son in the dark when he wasn’t expecting him, my cousin could have ended up dead. If they had shot the drunk man who was in the wrong house, sure it would have been okay by law, but still would have been murder for a mistake. Capital punishment for misdemeanor crime, or, if you’re a God fearing person, just plain murder.

Should we really be wielding a death weapon with little to no training on how to assess a dangerous situation? Just because you can go buy a gun by law doesn’t mean you are trained to determine the situation and the true “bad guy” if there even is one and thinking you are capable of that is a spit in the face to the hard working, constantly training officers who dedicate their lives and souls to this endeavor. I know someone who claimed they heard a noise outside their home and in true scary movie style, went out to investigate, but took a gun. Luckily nothing was found, but what if it had been someone out looking for a lost cat and you shot him? Or if it was just a raccoon and you got scared and shot it and the shot went into your neighbor’s house?

Are we so callous to other people’s lives that we’re willing to let them end just so we can wield a piece of metal? I’ve heard people say “oh, well, most gun deaths are suicide” – so their lives are not worth anything? It’s a very common self-preservation tactic to make someone else’s tragedy the victim’s fault. But, really, according to several segments in the Bible, we are all God’s children and how do you think He feels knowing that some of his children are dismissing the deaths of his other children. Guns make opportunities happen. Not only are they available for a person’s lowest moment and make a split decision much easier to act out – believe me, the idea of poisoning yourself or slitting your wrist is much more daunting than pulling a trigger – but a person who loses their temper can also lead to deaths – spousal disputes, neighbor disputes, road rage scenarios, family/sibling disputes, sports rivalries, the list goes on and on. Not to mention, unless you’re a world renown knife thrower, a gun can kill several more people in a matter of moments than any other *legal weapon. Yes, if you REALLY want to kill someone you will find a way, but guns make super light decisions or drunk/drugged up decisions lightening quick to change lives forever.

Yes, you absolutely have a right to own a gun, but you also have the obligation as a human being and a responsibility as a mortal weapon carrier for every life that is lost by one. As Ian Malcolm said (about dinosaurs, but it totally applies) “we spent so much time wondering if we could (“I have a RIGHT to own guns”) that we didn’t stop to think about if we should (all the accidental gun deaths).” Just because you have the right to do something doesn’t mean you have to. I have the RIGHT to say what I want, but that doesn’t mean I should, just because I have the RIGHT to drink alcohol doesn’t mean I need to become an alcoholic so the government doesn’t have control of me. There are so many thing we have the RIGHT to, but that doesn’t mean we should or have to go to the Nth degree.

If you own guns to be prepared for hunting, sport, or the government takeover, cool*. But, please lock them up to where NO one can break in to grab them. If someone breaks in and grabs one to kill someone, YES!, that death is on you. As a vet, we have access to very potent controlled drugs that we have to lock up. If we’re sloppy and leave it unlocked and someone steals our drugs and dies, we’re liable. That’s on us. There is no difference between a deadly weapon and a drug. The death is on YOU. Maybe not by law, but by conscience and God, (if you believe).

So let me address the side of the room who doesn’t believe in God: In my experience, people who don’t believe in God still have a very nice conscience, MANY times, nicer than those who are religious, so just be selfish for a minute and consider yourself and the effect killing someone would have on YOU. I have to deal with death on a daily basis at my job. I’ve had to grow a little callus to do all the euthanasias that are required and I claim that if they’re at the end of their life and suffering that I don’t feel bad, but in the dark of the night, when my mind is wandering, I think about how that animal was scared to be there and was afraid that I might kill them, and then I did. And that’s an animal that is literally on death’s door that I just gently nudged off the edge. If I were to kill a PERSON who just made a mistake or even had mal-intent I wouldn’t be able to sleep ever again (as I’m sure soldiers and police officers experience). I feel like some people just don’t consider that when they flippantly claim they would shoot and ask questions later.

If you do believe in God, and own guns to defend yourself, why do you lack faith? First of all, the ten commandments – the ultimate of Godly rules – states: “Thou shalt not kill.” Period. There is no asterisk beside it, there is no foot note. Jesus goes on to say that “murder comes from the heart”. So, if you purchase a gun with the intent to shoot someone that has offended you or even scares you, you have committed murder in your heart. There are SO many other not-as-deadly ways to defend yourself. Pray to God to keep you and your family safe, use mace, or pepper spray, call the police if there’s time, take a self defense class (support local business!), get a security system, or just have an escape route, or safe room, if someone breaks in, offer to help the bad guy carry the TV out, yell that you have a gun even if you don’t (shhhh! I won’t tell), get a BB gun or paint gun, etc. The list of things you can do BESIDES attempted murder is endless. **

*I think it’s cute you think you have a chance against a group who has access to technology like drone strikes and tanks and aerial defense. I’m not sure WHY you think the government would take over a country they already own, and the less people there are in the country, the less money they can collect, so killing taxpayers seems backwards.

**Now, I’m sure there are instances where killing someone is the only viable option and I know that God will forgive you/understand if you repent in your heart, but let’s try to not make it the FIRST option.

Now I’m just going to finish posting all the screenshots I took just this morning.

February 6, 2023February 6, 2023

“I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash”

So, things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows and learning to navigate that can be challenging. Even though my life is pretty damn good, I still have rough patches where I cannot see or appreciate that. Just like a diabetic forgetting insulin and going into a ketoacidotic crisis, a person on certain medications for mental illness skipping doses can cause a different sort of crisis. One night, when I had run out of my antidepressant/anxiety medication the night before, (my fault) I was increasingly irritable, everything set me off and finally I just went to bed because I was in such a dark place all I wanted to do was cry. As I lay in bed, crying and trying to talk myself out of going and getting a knife and opening a vein – mostly for the sanity of my kids not having a mother or having one who took her own life – I started telling myself “I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash” and oddly enough, I actually felt better. I just kept chanting it until my crying stopped and I fell asleep. The next few days, even though I started my drugs back again, every time I felt anxious, upset, not good enough, frustrated with whatever situation, I would just say that to myself and I calmed down. But why?

I posted it on a vet mom’s group and asked why that would make me feel better. I got some good answers, and they may all be correct, but this is what they said:

Maybe it’s because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone that once you step back and acknowledge that you really aren’t that important, it’s almost a relief. Between my kids, my husband, my family, my clients, co-workers, bosses, friends, random social media critics/fans, etc, I try to be all I can be and it sometimes gets me so irritable that they still aren’t happy with me. I think when I can step back and remember that I’m not that important to them, I can take the pressure off of myself for not making them completely happy. Like, if I think about how I go home overwhelmed and upset about an interaction I’ve had with them, then think about how they probably aren’t thinking about me and I haven’t ruined their life, maybe I, too, can forget about it.
I’m telling myself this to reaffirm the inner demon that tells me I’m not good enough. This one is a little darker and may have some truth to it, but normally when I’m diving headlong into a self sabotaging spiral, I feel worse and worse. Repeating the phrase here, though, made me feel better. Like, tears drying, wrenching gut relaxing, better.
Maybe I just have too much self importance. I mean, don’t we all a little? Because you’re you and you live from your point of view, that MUST mean you’re meant for something big. You will have a great affect on the world. God wants you for something spectacular! But maybe I am just nobody. I had a friend once tell me that not everyone can be SOMEONE. Sometimes God just needs fillers or pawns or placeholders or just fluff. Which, definitely, at it’s heart is disheartening. But, at some point, maybe it’s a little bit of a relief to know you maybe don’t have THAT much responsibility in the world. Like, I love just working as an employee, especially when I see what my employers have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I’m okay with being nobody, nothing. (Okay, “trash” MAY be taking it too far and feeding my demons)

So, in conclusion: DON’T SKIP YOUR MEDS (check now to make sure you’re not about to run out). And maybe it’s okay to take some pressure off yourself. I know we all feel like we have to be the best at our job, the best looking companion for your spouse, the best and most devoted parent, on top of brushing your dog or cat’s teeth, keeping your house spotless and your kids bathed more than once weekly (who me?), and to ALWAYS treat others with patience and grace. But, one day, our gravesites (if you’ll have one) will be just some words on a stone and no one will know who you are or were (unless you were someone SUPER special) or whether you were nice to that one person that one day when you were exhausted and bitter. Forgive yourself, you’re really not anyone special (and that’s okay).

November 12, 2020November 12, 2020

Head Games – You’re not broken

Dear my doctor, Human Doctor, HD

I really appreciate your devotion to figuring out my health – both physical and mental – and your taking the time to really listen to me and address my biggest concerns – “no, it’s probably not a brain tumor haha!” – even though I had already taken out an extra life insurance policy. I was even excited when you told me that you didn’t think I was on the right medication for my mental struggles and that you were optimistic that switching to a different medication would better address my issues of anxiety (perhaps a reason for the additional life insurance reaction to my headaches?). We planned to wean down the dose of my medication slowly – you know, so I didn’t die – and it would take about 3-4 weeks to get it out of my system before we could start with the new one. I walked out of the clinic enthusiastic that my perspective on life would be a little sunnier in the future.

**Oscar in Michigan – he LOVED the snow!**

Then, slowly, as my day went on, I began to realize at what point my body would be completely devoid of medication to stabilize my emotions… Election week. Good timing, HD.

My anxiety started with the birth of my second child in 2014 and has only continued to get worse through the third child and then the turmoil between friends and family over politics despite counselling, exercise, good diet. I used to picture me, dropping Oscar as an infant and then just vividly picturing his busting his head open, vividly feeling the emotions that would come with it. Picturing our trip to the hospital and how I would feel at his funeral. This extended to Tony, picturing him falling from the barn when he was feeding the animals and dying – continue with long emotional “daydreaming”.

**Fantastic weekend camping on North Manitou island**, MI

The worst was once, when I was nursing Calvin in the recliner in our home, should have been a beautiful moment between a mother and her infant in the early hours of the morning, everything was quiet and I was just loving his tiny, soft, warm body against mine when the nightmare entered my mind. I imagined how it would feel if I were living as a Jewish person in the Holocaust and was trying to hide with this baby when the Nazis were looking for people and shooting all they found hiding. What if Calvin was crying and I couldn’t get him to stop?? The long drives I would be on for farm calls would just add fuel to the fire as I was alone with my thoughts for 1.5 hours at a time.

I have grown up absolutely convinced that if I tried hard enough, used my attuned introspection and was honest with myself, that I could get to the root of the problem and address it. I also believed that I just needed to get enough exercise, eat right, and generally take care of myself and I wouldn’t need medication. I, admittedly, thought that people on medication for their mental issues were just not trying hard enough.

**My Halloween costume one year when I went as Cat Woman**

Eventually, though, despite my being able to look at my life from the outside and think “I’ve actually got it pretty good – loving husband, three healthy children, financial stability” the dark, suicidal thoughts slowly started to creep in.

Karma, am I right?

Finally, I sought out a therapist who helped me immensely, but eventually, I still required medication. I fought and fought her and myself with the idea of starting medication. I thought it was practically giving up. Rolling over, becoming lazy, and needing a crutch. I also was afraid that it would change my personality. But it didn’t. Through all of my guilt at being on this medication which increased serotonin (hormone that makes you feel right with the world) levels in my brain that was just not producing enough on it’s own, I complained to my vet mom’s group as we sometimes vent to each other, and someone commented something that changed my whole outlook on this issue.

She said, “Medication for depression/anxiety is no different than a diabetic who needs insulin to survive. A diabetic’s body just doesn’t make enough of the insulin hormone and we just don’t make enough of the serotonin. You wouldn’t judge a diabetic for using insulin because they just weren’t ‘trying hard enough'”

Sometimes, though, the medication you are put on is not quite the right one for you. So, after 3 years of being on Prozac, I’m now clean… and absolutely miserable. I cannot wait to start my new medication this weekend. This past 2 weeks has been absolute torture on my body – mentally and physically. I’m having to take the rescue anti-anxiety medication my HD prescribed on a nightly basis (don’t worry, it’s just an antihistamine). Last night, I felt like my chest was caving in, every single sudden or loud sound made me angry. I wanted to yell, I wanted to cry – for no reason. I just wanted to curl up in a ball, but was too restless for that.

**India – toddler’s reaction to asking her to smile for a picture**

So, Sunday, I start a new medication – Lexapro. Truly, I am very grateful for my doctor’s efforts. I’m sure he didn’t plan to switch my medication during this turmoil. And he couldn’t possibly know that this would also be the time that my sweet Merlin and my oldest cat, Delphi would be starting to go down hill and euthanasia would be on the table for both. I’m sure he was just excited to get me on a better medication to make me feel like a more normal person. And for that, I’ll forgive his timing =)

Please, if you even think you may need help, seek it out. Even just a therapist – even if only on Zoom or whatever – you’re not broken. People don’t talk about their issues because they are afraid of how others will see them. You could have, literally, everything going for you and can still have a hormone deficiency that causes you to think negative thoughts and even hate yourself. Don’t even start with that “back in the day” crap either – back in the day, no one talked about it, instead, they just drank themselves into oblivion, became abusive to their families, or got institutionalized.

**Me and my in-laws (Tony’s sister and her husband)**

We are a very intelligent species and are, therefore, more prone to thinking. Thinking can be great when it is aimed in the right direction, but can also be downright dangerous if it veers in the wrong direction. Therapists and medication can keep your thoughts on track. Hormones are ridiculously influential things. Don’t think you can outsmart them.

Seek help!