**Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist nor did I study psychology, these are simple observations from my own experiences.
Marriage or any long term relationship is not the “happily ever after” we assume once the vows are said. They’re often not a fairy tale even getting to that point. I’ve often day dreamed about different fairy tale scenarios where you phase in on a scene 1-2 years after the magical wedding when The Beast has really not changed (cause they never really do) and is losing his temper, but by now, Belle has had enough of his crap and has locked herself in the library looking up a way to turn him into a much smaller beast.
So, what are some obstacles Tony and I have come across during our 19-year relationship and 13 years of marriage? Let’s start with our two break-ups before the wedding. The first one was when I was 18 and thought God was telling me to break up with him – lasted 3 hours, then we got back together. The second was when I was in my first year of vet school and was super stressed with exams and other issues. We were engaged and I got cold feet – I was worried that I would get bored of Tony or that he would eventually resent me since I was his first ever girl friend and that maybe we should date around. He gave me his engagement ring (yes, I gave him one too – if I have to be marked, so does he) and went off to work in the vet school hospital. An hour later, after one class of bacteriology, I ran down three floors to the hospital and gave him his ring back and it was okay again.
Those are such frivolous problems, though, in the scheme of relationships and trust. One if the challenges we’ve face, especially since having regular jobs and raising children is our lack of alone time together. We have a hard time getting babysitters and keeping them around (they tend to grow up – or move away and steal your horse trailer – I digress). If Tony and I do not get a date night every now and then, or at least make it a point to pay attention to each other and not just stare at the TV or our phones after the kids are in bed, we tend to gravitate toward roommate mode. In this mode, we work well together, we always have, but it’s business only. We discuss the dishes, laundry, kids’ homework, kids’ behavioral problems at school, common issues at work, but nothing about these things separates us from a casual relationship.
I can see this happening and worry as I DO NOT want to end up like some couples I see that do nothing but complain about being married and how big of a mistake it was. I will try to pay a little more attention to him, try to be flirtatious, try to plan things for us to do that is different from the norm. He is not as good at this and often does not even recognize when I am trying. I don’t want to ask him to be flirtatious or complimentary of me, but I figure if I pour it on him, he will return. Not so much. Men are a little dense when it comes to that kind of stuff.
The biggest challenge to a relationship, though is the potential loss of trust. And the biggest obstacle to that precious, extremely fragile jewel that is trust is the f#&($ng crush! (pardon my language – but it deserves it) Crushes are like little demons that infiltrate your stupid brain and completely blind you to the truth and only let you see what tiny little things they want you to see. Tony may not be the most romantic man in the world, but I think we all need to give him a huge hand for dealing with my crushes over the years like a champ. I’m so afraid of hurting our relationship (as well as a general fear of getting into trouble) that I’ve always told Tony about my crushes, usually after I’ve fought them (the idea, not the people) but after they’ve already taken over my brain. He claims to not get mad or jealous, sometimes he just laughs at me because my brain’s choices are atrocious, but really, it isn’t fair to him. I unload my guilt by telling him what’s going on in my head and he just has to deal with it gracefully (which he totally does). He also claims to have never had a crush other than me. He could be telling the truth, but I mostly just accept it, because unlike him, I would NOT take it gracefully and it would be ugly.
So, what makes a crush so much like a dirty little demon? It makes you think that you may be in love with that person that you barely even know. It makes you focus on only the positives of that person and not see the million other things that make that person a terrible match for you. As my brother told me once when we were discussing this topic when I asked why I get crushes, he said “because that person somehow validates you, makes you feel good about yourself”. It’s like that one movie I saw with Janet Jackson (I think) where they talk about the 80/20 rule. When I’m mad or bored or depressed, I may only see the 20% Tony is lacking and wish for just that, then when another person comes along and provides that 20%, they seem perfect, but I’m not seeing the 80% of them that just doesn’t fit with me.
I’m happy to report that I have never acted on any of my crushes. The closest I got was to tell the person I had a crush on him, knowing that I would be overcome with embarrassment when we were together in public and it totally worked. I have told Tony everything I’ve ever done or thought and have even showed him all the texts I send or get if I feel that he may find them by accident and question me. I have now been crush free for 4 years! I continue to keep my eyes out though and if I even start to have those stupid, ridiculous feelings about anyone, I cut it down. Tony is the best person for me, he puts up with a lot and I never want him to hurt because of a stupid decision I make and lose that precious jewel of trust we have kept intact.
