- Pics from our very indulgent vacation we just got back from…
My children and us were having a conversation last night. We were saying that when they have kids, we will be that child’s grandparent and we will be able to say “you did that when you were a kid” when they complain to us about things. Oscar stated he would be a better parent than us. I said “are we not good parents” to which he replied “yes, but I’ll be better”. I asked what he would do differently and finally, after some coaxing since he knew I was slightly offended, he came up with “I would let them do more things they wanted to”. That’s when I decided to let them in on a little life secret.
I turned to him and said “I’m going to let you know about a super secret parenting fact that, for some reason, parents don’t usually tell their kids. I love you guys more than ANYTHING in the world and nothing, I mean NOTHING makes be happier than seeing you guys happy. But, as a parent, it’s my job to make sure you guys turn out to be good people and respectable adults. If I were to give you everything you want, which I WANT to, you would expect everyone and the world to treat you the same way. You would be one of those awful people who only think about themselves and are spoiled and get super mad when things don’t go their way. I want you all to be loving, giving, compassionate people and sometimes that means dealing with not getting everything you want. In the real world, you’ll go into a job and be expected to get things done in a timely manner – including getting your shoes on – and if you don’t, you’ll get fired. The other reason is that you are children and I’m an adult with almost 40 years of experience and I know outcomes of some of the things you think you want. I have to keep you protected from hurting yourselves or being unhealthy”
Parenting is SO hard and not just because you’re exhausted from being a servant to three little piglets (to a certain age) or trying to wrap your brain around the decisions their little primordial brains make, but mostly trying to decide what you should take care of and what you should not. If parenting were just being a servant to a demanding little idiot, it would be tiring, frustrating, hair pulling, but I think what makes parenting harder on the next level is allowing them to make that decision you would have stopped and letting them learn why it was stupid. A good parent knows that the best way to learn is to experience it yourself, but it’s SO hard to sit there and comfort the tears that you could easily fix, but stop yourself for the lesson learned.
Once, Oscar wanted a watch SOOOOO bad – he picked it out – it was a Pokemon watch (like $10 ) and he loved it! One day he came home crying because he had lost it at school. He had taken it off to wash his hands in the bathroom and left it and when he came back, it was gone. Oscar is my most sensitive child and I love that about him, so watching him cry over this was heart wrenching. All I wanted to do was grab my keys and run out right then and replace it for him. But instead I had to hold him and explain about responsibility and loss while he cried even harder that I wouldn’t get him a new one, ripping my heart in two.
Losing something as small (not in his mind) as a $10 watch that he’d had for a whopping 2 weeks is a much preferred lesson on loss than other things he could and will lose in his life and dealing with loss is a very important lesson in life – processing the emotions and the grief and acceptance, learning lessons from what could have been done differently – slowly builds an emotional maturity ready to better handle the world. Hopefully, now when he’s 30 and his favorite coffee mug breaks, he’ll be sad, but he won’t fall on the floor and think the world has come to an end or worse, scream at his child for knocking off the counter.
So, kids, just know that we are bound by our duty to make you into decent adults and even though we’d love nothing more than to stop your tears with new things and watch your faces light up, we have to make hard decisions about what we can indulge you with and what just needs to be a life lesson. And thanks to this lesson, my kids are very familiar with the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What you Want”
You are a good and wise parent. I am sure your children will grow and strive to be happy and respectful adults.They will make great parents and you and Tony will be Fantastic grandparents.
You’re messages are always very moving, and have great points, this was no exception. The Thomas children are going to turn out great as adults
As described in one of my favorite Robyn Hitchcock songs:
“If you give in to them every time they cry
They will become little tyrants but they won’t remember why”
You are clearly doing a wonderful job raising–and loving–your kids.
EXCELLENT!!! Love the way you explained it to them!! Thanks for sharing this.
They have gotten so big. I remember when they were small from watching Dr. Pol.
I hope he told the teacher about the watch. Or check lost and found.
It’s tough seeing your kids lose things. My youngest did, but he always managed to find it.
Amazing outlook and great way of teaching!! More parents need to be aware of this.
You are a wise parent. Stay strong.🙂
I absolutely love this. I think this is how God parents us too. I think he would love to give us all the things we want but He knows better than us that some things are not good for us because He can see the big picture.
That was a good blog. Thank you.
Well done, as always. Thank you.
Well said!
Very good Emily!! We learn as we grow and they will too with loving guidance and encouragement, and learning from mistakes. God bless you and your husband and of course your people adults in training.
Well said. And parenting doesn’t come with a hand book either so it’s a fly by your pants thing. I have three children like yourself and I like to think they turned out to be respectful,kind,awesome adults.
I was at McDonald’s playplace with the 9,7 and 6yo grandkids this evening. Another Grandpa was there with an older grandson and a maybe 7 yo granddaughter. The Granddaughter wouldn’t leave when Grandpa said it was time to go. She got very defiant and ran to the top of the playplace and sat there with that “Come and Get Me” look. Finally Grandpa says to his grandson, “I wonder what will happen if we walk out…” I smiled and looked at my 9yo. She knew how that game was going to end. As soon as the grandpa and grandson left the room, granddaughter flies down the play place, grabs her shoes and shoves them on, grabs her jacket and is right behind Grandpa by the time they get to the front door. Another Black Belt Grandparent.
What a great story!
Totally agree it’s hard to see your kids hurt and learn. Mine is 34 now and the feeling of pride you get when you see what a responsible hardworking caring responsible adult they have become it makes you so happy and proud of them
IM a retired teacher ( before kids were born with a phone attached to them). …..with this memory of some fifth graders that didn’t like my approach to their forgetfulness! They should have their instruments at school for band or strings class twice a week. A child would come to me wanting to go to the office …..so they could call their parent TO COME AND BRING IT…because THEY forgot it! . I would say NO! That was YOUR responsibility.. not the responsibility of your parent. You must go to class and see what the band teacher does..( take the consequences ) It usually never happened again. However, some went behind my back when changing classes and went to office and called Mamma and SHE RAN RIGHT OVER WITH IT! Students have phones now..WOULDN’T WORK!
All good observations and advice. Parenting is not an easy job. You guys seem to be doing it well.
Well said.
Perfectly said!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You’re doing a great job raising your kids. Too many parents never let their kids be disappointed. They give them everything they want, and they’re shocked when as adults they find out that the world doesn’t really work that way. Keep up the good parenting. Your kids will thank you, but probably not until they’re 30!
This should be published on a larger scale. Some parents have given up on parenthood.
Ya know after my parents and grandparents passed I was dammm I never asked them what they did growing up. You two should get a marble notebook and write your times growing up at home school good and bad. Stick it away for some place and let them read it when they are 40 years old
amazing parenting advice. love the pictures of your three beautiful children. they are growing up so fast.
I wish more parents had your sense of responsibility and accountability. More children need those lessons. You’re doing an awesome job. Love your posts.
Thank you Emily and Tony. Well said! Hard as a grandparent to NOT say yes to everything. Always a balancing act. You are doing a great job!
Emily, you said it, it’s HARD and it doesn’t stop. Your are a great Mother and a teacher of life, you explain to your children the right way of life.
Tony and Emily, you both are wise beyond your years as hard as it was to say no to Oscar after he lost the watch. He’ll Thank you later on in life. I agree with Lori that we have a Heavenly Father who inspires us through thoughts in our minds or warm feelings in our chests. now whether we follow these promptings is up to us. That is called free agency. free agency is a good thing, Heavenly Father watches over us, and when we’re faced with a decision he prompts us with feelings as to which right decision to make. Which decision is up to us to make. I know that I may seem redundant but I can’t express how important free agency is even bad things happen to us for instance if we go for a walk and someone attacks us, we have the tendency to say “If I hadn’t been walking there this wouldn’t have happened.” It doesn’t matter if you go for a walk as long as you do it safely. I’m not saying that at any time you deserve it. Because you NEVER DESERVE to be attacked while you’re walking or anything. It’s the other person’s fault. He/She chose to make you the victim soon to be the survivor. Heavenly Father doesn’t take away our free agency or other people’s free agency no matter what they do. Because we all have to endure the consequences of our actions. I don’t want it to sound like there is no repentance or forgiveness, That is what Christ died for us. The atonement actually took place in the Garden of Gethsemane when Christ bled from every pore and asked Heavenly Father to take this cup but not my will but thine be done, Lord. I paraphrased it. the Lord Loves us More than we know. Christ obviously loves us to go through what he went through.
Emily, I just watched an episode of Dr. Pol where you had the pleasure of taking care of a baby pot-bellied pig named Winston who was brought to you with tetanus. His muscles were stiff almost frozen like no other vet thought he was worth saving, but you thought He had a lot more going for him than everyone else, except his family. You gave his family hope. Emily, you are a very compassionate person, loving, caring, empathetic, great sense of humor, and patient. So what if you have a mental illness? I have cared about you ever since you started with PVS you have something like 44,4K followers who care. I have Bipolar, General Anxiety Disorder, ADHD and PTSD, and cognitive concussive disorder. I don’t have any children, I am an only child, My perfect-for-me husband died on 02-04- 2022 from complications related to Ehlers-Danlos syndrome which contributed to his heart surgeries which contributed to the 3rd failed recovery of his last heart valve replacement. He successfully had 2 double heart valve replacements prior to this 3rd single valve. All while we were married during our 15 yr. marriage.
Abuse while growing up thanks to my mom’s stepfather, started while I was a wee babe in diapers just hours home from the hospital. You see he asked my grandma when we would be coming home from the hospital. She told him my dad would be bringing my mom and me home at 2:00 pm. Since Ken (that was his name) got off at 2 from Westinghouse Inc. where he worked near we lived. So it was quicker to get to our house and park a few houses down from our house so he could keep a good look watch on our house, he didn’t have much time to wait, then my dad drove into the driveway. (My mom told me this as she thought he drove it.) and told my mom to wait just a minute while he opens up the house. so he did that and kept an eye on her, and brought my mom and me into the house and he had to go get ready for work. He had to get ready for work at the Sheriff’s Dept. of Santa Clara County, Santa Clara, California. I was born in San Jose, California. April 09, 1969, my dad started with the sheriff’s dept. Jan. 13, 1969.
So when he brought my mom into the house and made sure that mom and I were settled, he left for work. Then shortly after he left mom put me in my bassinet and went into the kitchen to fix me a bottle. Mom didn’t hear the front door open. Apparently, Ken made a copy of Mema’s key that mom had given to her in case of emergency. Mema is what I lovingly call grandma. Mom didn’t hear him come in, he was very quiet. he tiptoed over to my bassinet and lifted me out. I didn’t cry he was very gentle with me. Apparently, he didn’t scare me or anything like that. My mom didn’t hear a peep out of me when he took my blanket, I can’t remember if she told me I had a binky or not, anyway that’s not important. Ken took me from my bed and over to the couch. I had a little dress on. and my diapers. they didn’t have disposable diapers 54 years ago. (well 54 on Apr 09 – Easter 🙂 ) So, he undid my diaper and proceeded to do what he had done to my mother and her sisters all the while they were growing up. He was quick I mean super quick by the time he was finishing up my mom came in with my bottle, she had to wait for the bottle to warm up in the bottle warmer. which only took about 5 minutes, when the bottle was warm she remembers unplugging the warmer and saying a song in her voice as came time into the living room. “Okay beautiful gir………” and she dropped the bottle, and attacked her stepfather. In turn, he abused her as he had done to her and her sisters their whole lives. You may be wondering why no one went to the authorities. Well, Ken told everyone that my mom and her sisters were liars and thieves, no one could believe a father spreading rumors about his own daughters, could he? Well, his own daughters thought he was telling the truth. so, no one went to his military superior while they were growing up. He had the fear of the man upstairs instilled in his children.
Emily, you have Tony. You have 3 beautiful children each with their own unique personality. I’m not minimizing your meltdowns or however else you describe what your dealing with. Please forgive me if I can’t remember exactly what you were dealing with. I know it’s hard believe me. I know sometimes I feel I see the train coming and I don’t want to move. Then I think about my husband and how we won’t be able to be together forever. You see we are LDS (Mormon) (I hope people don’t hold that against me) and we were married in the Bountiful, Utah Temple. Because of that we were married for time and all eternity. It is our understanding from the scriptures that husbands and wives can be sealed in the temple for time and eternity. In other words, they can be husband and wife even after death. We believe that families are eternal. That husbands and wives can be together with their children for time and all eternity. If you want more information than what merely ole I can give you then go to lds.org and they will have a whole bunch of information for you. You can ask for the plan of salvation pamphlet and they will send it to you. They’re not pushy they just have a lot of neat info. and testimonies. If you want I can send you a copy of a Book of Mormon with my testimony in it. If you want to keep this post to yourself and not post generally. I would understand. Dr. Emily, Tony you two are full of the Light of Christ. You get the Holy Ghost by laying on of hands after you have been baptized. Children only get the Holy Ghost and get baptized when they are 8 years old and have reached the age of accountability. As they get older they learn about repentance and forgiveness. Actually, children are started at the age of 18 months in the nursery, where they’re taught about Jesus and Baptism. They aren’t constantly taught about Jesus and Baptism. They have a short lesson time, geared to their attention span. Then in their nursery room, they have pictures of Jesus taped to the wall for the duration after sacrament meeting. For those who are unable to come out to church. They have provided a Zoom link so that we can join in and watch the services from home. I have the link and I have Zoom and our church starts @ 12 MST. one good thing about Zoom is I don’t have to dress up. Not that I minded getting dressed when I was well and going. But, when you don’t feel well and have no energy it’s hard to get going no matter how much time you have. Well, I figured out zoom and attended Sacrament meeting. Our Sacrament Meeting consists of the Bishop he’s not like the catholic bishop, He dresses in a suit and tie as do most of the men in the congregation. It’s business casual and the sisters dress in dresses they don’t have to run out and buy a new wardrobe. If all you have is one dress or a skirt and a top that is all that matters even if you don’t own a dress you can wear nice slacks and a blouse. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ don’t mind what you wear as long as you’re clean. I mean use common sense don’t wear satanic t-shirts, or let Tony run out and buy any nudie t-shirts. Not that he would He has more class than that and you have more sense than to wear satanic t-shirts. I think you’re intelligent well above intelligent I tend to beat a dead horse sheesh sorry you guys. You get the point. Sometimes when the Bishop doesn’t conduct the sacrament service one of his counselors will. Now counselor is a formal name for the assistant. You probably didn’t need me telling you that. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a knack for stating the obvious.
If you haven’t started praying start, it’s not that hard he just wants to hear from you. Even if it’s to say “Father help” and He will help you. or “Father thanks for getting me through this latest meltdown” you see prayers don’t have long, they just have to be sincere. You can also teach your children to pray. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing us through this day in safety. thank you for the home you provided, our Family who I love very much, and our animals and mom and dad help me to obey them. please bless the poor and needy and the little children.
Well, you do what you are prompted to do. I was promoted to use that as an example. I feel the Holy Ghost very strongly right now. I know that may seem rather strange to you but often times I say a prayer and ask for help when I’m writing something to someone very important to me. I just thought that I’d let you know before I ended my comment. Keep in mind I felt inspired to write this comment. I hope you read it. Please?