I’ve decided to compile a collection of expected diagnosis based solely on judging a book by its cover. Basically, what we, as vets see coming in and go ahead and make large assumptions (normally we assume the worst or most obnoxious). So, here are some presentations and the expected problem.
Basset hound/Cocker spaniels: Ears. Always ears. Even if they’re just coming in for a rabies vaccine only and refuse to pay an exam fee, they will want you to check out their ears…. and a nail trim.
Red/white/blue pit bull: skin – allergies and or mange. Dilute colors = skin issues – also nail trim.
Labrador (any age, any color) not eating/vomiting – foreign body – ate toy, golf balls, raw hides, rocks, dry wall, socks, underwear, etc.
Any female dog over the age of 1 year and not spayed – WILL ALWAYS BE PYOMETRA until proven otherwise – and owner will give you a guilt trip about the expense of the emergency surgery “So you’re just going to let my dog die then?!?” even though you told them from the beginning to get the dog spayed “No, sir, I did not tell you to NOT spay your dog” (avoid a $800-$4000 emergency bill)
Puppy (any breed) under 1 year of age presenting with diarrhea, inappetence, and/or vomiting: Parvo until proven otherwise.
English bulldog: this one is wide open but can include some or all of the following: skin issues – (allergies, hair loss, ear infections, skin infections), respiratory failure due to nonexistent nostrils, too long of a soft palate, heart failure, or obesity. Inability to use hind end due to hemivertebrae, spinal bifida, obesity. Eye issues due to entropion (eyelid curling inward causing eyelashes to scrape the eye), cherry eye (gland of third eyelid popping out), dry eye (eye is dry.. and covered in thick green mucus and crust). Infection of skin around butt hole due to tail corkscrewing around and stabbing them in their own butt, also obesity. C-section: they literally cannot have puppies naturally due to large heads, small pelvis, and, well, often obesity (most also have to be artificially inseminated due to their poor conformation). *** hint – if you want an english bulldog, go ahead and save for $1500-2500 PER year in vet bills.
Old chihuahua/toy poodle – coughing – heart failure – will want nail trim – dog will turn blue trying to bite us
Young chihuahua/toy poodle – broken leg from getting sneezed on
Great Dane – vomiting/retching/bloated – GDV or twisted stomach bloated. Get to the emergency clinic NOW – the stomach is likely dying as you drive.
Cat (outdoor) swollen leg/lump/lethargic – cat bite abscess – sometimes caused by just a friendly cat fight gone wrong, but much more often by a neighborhood Tom – they will try to breed anything with a cat shape – male, female, spayed, neutered, it doesn’t matter and the fights that ensue end up with someone getting a serious bite wound. Cats have a particularly nasty bacteria in their mouth similar to the bacteria in a komodo dragon’s mouth and the bite wound will fester and cause fever, lethargy, limping until it breaks open and drains. Antibiotics are very helpful.
Male cat – vocalizing in the litterbox/posturing to urinate, but nothing or very little coming out – blocked urethra – right now emergency! Don’t wait until morning. The urine backs up to the kidneys and causes serious, sometimes irreparable damage.
Same thing goes for castrated, male goats – looks like stretching, urine dribbling, loud vocalization, sometimes looks like constipated – it’s not constipated – get to vet immediately! Some studies have shown that if you wait to castrate until 6 months of age and avoid feeding grain altogether, you can avoid this fatal issue.
Older Dachshund/chihuahua/other tiny breed dogs: “trench mouth” – the teeth are rotting out of mouth – will also want a nail trim.
Dachshund of any age, unable to walk/stumbling: Intervertebral disk disease – the same gene that makes them short legged and long backed also makes their connective tissue crap and they will often “slip a disk” and without surgery +/- major anti-inflammatories, will be paralyzed – will definitely request a nail trim.
Coughing dog anywhere in the southeast – Heartworm until proven otherwise
Dog constipated: diarrhea – almost every time. Diarrhea causes straining, straining looks like constipation. Most owners, including myself don’t necessarily pay attention to their dog every time they go out, but will notice when the dog is going out all the time and straining.
Dog stares off into space, stumbles, or collapses when not walking, urinated on self – marijuana – just admit it and save us all a big “told you so” and, like, $400 in diagnostics. We won’t call the cops.
Any animal with the history of “I think my neighbor poisoned him” = anything except poisoning by the neighbor – just doesn’t happen.
Lump on boxer : mast cell tumor until proven otherwise
Dog with episodes of choking or “something stuck in throat” – allergies with reverse sneezing or kennel cough
Dog with lameness/stiffness/lethargy in certain areas of the country: lyme disease until proven otherwise
Small breed dog with hind limb lameness: luxating patella (knee cap slipping out of place)
Large breed dog with sudden hind limb lameness: ruptured cruciate ligament (like the ACL tear in athletes)
Goldens: especially the super sweet ones that belong to a special needs child: Cancer. Every F***ing time.
German Shepherd: will rush the door viciously barking as soon as you open the exam room door. Everyone in the clinic will hear and will assume you saw the shepherd. Will not let you touch it the whole time without heavy restraint, muzzle, sedation. Absolutely will request nail trim.
Cat with scabs all over body: fleas/flea allergy (even one bite from a flea can trigger the allergy in some cats)
Obese draft/quarter horse/donkey/pony that is stiff, doesn’t want to walk: founder/laminitis
Anything that is scratching and not on veterinary prescribed flea meds: fleas. Always fleas. Especially if the owner preaches essential oils and says there are absolutely not fleas and uses a natural remedy for flea control – fleas all day.
Cat with significant weight loss: and drinking a lot/not eating: kidney failure. Eating a ton/personality change: hyperthyroidism
Anything named “Lucky” or “Miracle” = doomed.
Anything named “Angel” will bite, unprovoked – owner will definitely want a nail trim.
Again, these are things vets just assume when they see it on the schedule. It doesn’t mean every patient every time and we all certainly go into the exam room with an open mind.
Interesting
Interesting When I post why does it always say I’ve already posted that – first time I’ve ever done a one word
The only one I would also add to is Cat with significant weight loss: and drinking a lot/not eating: Diabetes..
Diabetes in cats also has symptoms of eating a lot and still weight loss, as they are starving for food with not enough insulin.
Funniest post ever! I really miss your funny sense of humor that was ever present on Dr Pol. I particularly loved those quiet little remarks you’d make. Your dry wit would leave me laughing with tears in my eyes! Whether you are talking animals , children or just about anything else Emily, you see the world through a lens that we all relate to! Keep these wonderful posts coming coming! We all need humor more than ever right now.
I like it when she referred to testicles as test-tuh-clees. Sounded like a Greek or Roman god!
Great view. I guess my 20 lb smooth hair Fox Terrier will only have knee problems. Hopefully not.
I loved this post, and laughed out loud at some of the statements! You didn’t mention “my breed”…Boston terriers….who always have eye problems…in addition to some of the English bulldog maladies! We have been through non-existent nostrils and too-long soft palates, but love them anyway!
Watching you and Dr Pol vets has taught us a lot of this. Now we watch and try to predict diagnosis.
My go-to diagnosis if I’m not sure (not a vet here)….”goat polio”. Nevermind that it’s not a goat. 😉
😂😂
Am I a terrible person for laughing at these??
Yay… you didn’t mention miniature schnauzers!
Your post was very entertaining 😊
pancreatitis
We really do try to do the nail trims at home. Our no-fear vet says the next time our emaciated stray rescue needs a trim, she’ll have to be sedated. Trazodone and gabapentin aren’t enough. Thanks for all you do.
Very interesting read! Thanks for that!
I love and look forward to your emails Dr. Emily.
Old toy chihuahua/toy breed with cough- trachea collapse versus heart failure? How do you diagnose heart failure?
Really enjoyed this one. I recognize those people, though I’m not a vet. By the way, it’s a Komodo dragon. Sorry😉
My rescued dog will absolutely not let me brush her, clean her ears or cut her nails. I have always done these on all my other dogs. Don’t know why she is like this. Wonder if she had a previous bad experience. Other lady is right, it is komodo dragon. 🙂
All your posts are good reads. This one is, perhaps, the best so far.
I suspect you did very well in your English classes……you write so superbly. I suspect you did very well in all your classes as your intellect pokes shiningly thru your prose.😉😷🍀🐎🤠
Loved it!
Good one, Dr Thomas. Maybe your best yet. I like your sense of humor because when you deal with the public you definitely need that quality.
Not just some humor here, but some very good information for those of us who forget pets are as varied as people in terms of their health.
Thanks for sharing this one.
It doesn’t sound like there is ever a dull day at work for you. I bet you meet a lot of “interesting” people through their pets. 🙂
Uh oh, thank God I call my Miracle Doody instead! Lol he’s 12 yrs old and fought the odds to be here, so I don’t see him going anywhere soon (I hope not, that would wreck me). A lot of those you listed are spot on! My cat got sick from a good change and stopped eating, so I brought him to the vet and paid $500 for comprehensive blood work! Bye, savings! Worth every penny. He is doing amazing on the inside, my vet said he’s got the internal health of a young Tom,so I pray he stays with us a while longer! Thanks, that was enjoyable! You stay amazing, Dr. Emily!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Good stuff!
I really liked this letter. It provided some insight into the nature and causes of some of the pets we love to death, literally. For the first time in years my wife and I are thinking about adding a dog to our cat mix. We used to have Newfs, but we are too old now to have them. Having read this letter, I wonder what breeds, besides hounds, are generally the healthiest ? I want to save everyone a lot of grief and unnecessary expense. I love hounds, but am too old to chase another hound just following his nose.
Those were so interesting, funny and some sad quips. About the nail trim, post a sign with a stated cost for it.
I never realized how you guys are taken advantage of until reading your comments over time.
As a retired licensed vet tech I think you got it right. Experienced the nail trims for thirty years but managed to survive with all my fingers intact. Thanks for your humor.
Been missing your posts! This one definitely made up for it, though. Hope you’re having a great summer!
Thank you! I’m going to save this for future reference.
Love it. I have found alot of this info to be very helpful. Miss you guys. Still love being a part of your life.
Great post! I was shaking my head yes on most of them. Golden Retriever one got to me, cause they are so sweet! Thanks DrEmily!
Hilarious. It’s usually the rich ones that think you should give everything for free. They probably paid lots of money for the animal instead of rescuing a pet. Sorry just saying.
😂😂 Thoroughly enjoyed that. Informative too
Good information. Pit bull skin problems were spot on. It is the one thing I am always taking my dog to the vet to get treated for.
Haha this is funny and sad but true. As the owner of a few breeds mentioned I concur!!
Haha this is funny and sad but true. As the owner of a few breeds mentioned I concur!! I really enjoy your posts.
I love reading your posts. Thank you again for the honesty. Sad we don’t get to see you on television anymore. It show isn’t the same now that you are gone.
Keep posting
Thanks
Kimono dragon ?
Ugh!! Darn you, autocorrect!
That was funny! Angel lucky………😂😂😂
Oh and I have the nails and ears done by my groomer! Shots in January teeth in February by the vet!
Loved reading your list, took me back to the bad old days of mixed animal/small animal practice. I snorted involuntarily on multiple occasions.
So enjoyed and laughed thru this list, always want the anal glad and while you have her/him a nail trim! *** may I make a comment here that I feel is lacking in Vet TV shows; and that is please for the sake of your pet;s throat health~~~fit them with a harness that will put the pull/tug of a leash on their front chest away from the throat, hate to see pets being dragged by a leash! ~~~ love the view from your new home~~~hope life has and will be good! Owned by our 8th Schnauzer (re-homed)!
One of your funniest posts ever! 😀
Great post! Thanks, I’ve missed you.
Thoroughly enjoyed this article; lots of good info for pet owners. I can only imagine some of the reasons/excuses that you must hear from owners as well. They could fill a book.
Please continue to share your love of your job with us.
Dr Emily, I’ve missed your posts, did you and Tony take a break from writing?
Anyway you hit the cat on the head. We had a cat who sometimes got out the door and when she came back he’d always, always have an abscess on the top of her head. We’d have to spend 1/2 an hour crating for a trip to the vet!
I also knew about doxy’s having back issues, but you educated me even more. That’s ok, he’s my baby and will always be taken care of.
Thank you for enlightening me about things I’d always wondered about! Could you please think of some more interesting things for us to watch for when it comes to our fur baby’s?
Loved it!
loved your post…and sure missed you for a while. i imagine you have been very busy this summer.. here in New Brunswick its been hot hot hot….and a lot of humidity…take care and i will be looking for your next adventure…
Very interesting what you have learned from the clients you treat. The people I know and associate with would never expect to have a nail trim or the such without paying for it. A lot of times the clinic does that without being asked, just as a courtesy to their clients. We the animal owners need to learn to NOT expect something for nothing. You are doing an excellent job!! Keep up the good work.
I really enjoyed this ! Love your humor. Beautiful view from your porch. Thank you and Tony for sharing a bit of your life with us.
When I walk thru door with misty. Old chi. I pre phase every time with “I’m so sorry but”🥴🥴🥴🥴nail trim teeth and anal glad. Of course she’s fat that how my husbands mother showed loved so of course he does too. And of course they leave my ass in waiting room cause I get anxious just watching Just saying🥰🥰🥰
Goldens 🙁
Loved it! Hilarious!
Our baby boy, Brodie, rescued us a couple years ago. At the vet we have always been up to date of shots, nail trims, anything to make him more comfortable and safe. It is comforting to see businesses that at least seem to care for my baby as much as I do. I know the job is to take care of animals because it says so on the bill we pay, but you also take care of us. For care the family, all of us, receive at our visits We Thank You.
Awesome info. Love the humor ✌️❤️😉
This was awesome! I have been binge-watching Dr. Pol (I’m up to season 11) and have really admired you on this show! You are an amazing vet, and your sense of humor is fantastic! Btw, we have a chihuahua mix who had surgery for a luxating patella. You hit a lot of nails on the head with this post!