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Making friends as an adult – maybe worse than dating.

Christmas Parade with work

Happily married tired middle aged female with three young kids seeking other tired parents not willing to stay out later than 10pm – like, let’s meet for dinner at 5. Kids must also be as crazy as mine and develop pack mentality when with yours as long as they leave us the f*9$ alone. Bonus if candidate is also struggling to keep it together and wants to meet in PJs or sweats. Drinking and fluency in sarcasm a must. Must be okay with cheese balls.

THESE Cheeseballs….

The last time I had ride-or-die friends was back in high school and they adopted me into their group off the side of the metaphorical side of the road as a nobody sitting scared in class. Then, I went to college and met a few casual friends, but none that stuck. As I transitioned through college, vet school, then into my first jobs, I still hadn’t accumulated any forever friends. But I had Tony and figured that was all I needed with all the busyness of studying and classes. Then, I slowly realized I needed a friend. One I could chat with (Tony is TERRIBLE at texting/phone communication), send jokes to, gossip, or even have a sounding board about Tony when he’s annoying me (surprisingly, he didn’t take to that job as well).

Highschool camping trip 2001

I made a few friends along the way, but would move, fall out of touch, I fell for the illusion of having lots of friends with the film crew when I worked with Dr. Pol, but since I’ve moved, have found out most of those were mostly situational friends or people just being overly friendly because they wanted you to behave for their TV show. It was also more challenging than I’d like to admit trying to hang out with 20 somethings after hours as a 30 something with kids. The younguns would want to meet up at a place at, like, 10pm and I would be ready for bed already. Then I had a great bestie I finally met and was ecstatic, but then she moved away, dated my brother, then, when they broke up, we lost contact. Then, I had a friend, who happened to be male, got my dark humor as another doctor and everything was GREAT! Until his girlfriend decided he had to get rid of me or her. So, there I go. No more friends, but time to move on to another place anyway.

Fun with interviews
Love these bunch of goofs
Miss these girls

Hello, Virginia!! Now to look for friends. Here’s the part where dating and making friends are similar and since I haven’t had to make friends OR date since I was 16, I was a bit rusty. If you like someone (as a friend) and think you may enjoy hanging out, but are crippled by the idea of putting yourself out there, what do you do? Most people say start by asking to hang out, but what if I do that and we have nothing to talk about or if whatever I chose to do is lame?? Or what if I have two beers and they think I’m an alcoholic or I have two beers and they think I’m a square?? Or worse, I say square and they’re like “what are you, like 75??”???? Do I just ask for their number like a badass just like “yo, give me your number so we can text and be friends”, or try to think of a reason I might need it to make it sound casual “Hey, can I have your number just in case I get abducted and for some reason have my phone still available to me and can’t remember “911” or anyone else’s number I already have?” – you know, super cashz (casual).

Miss this one too

Then, let’s say you get their number and you start by sending them a meme or something to break the ice. Then they respond with an lol. Do you text again? Will that seem to desperate? What if you text them and they don’t text you back? Is it a for sure rejection? Are they just tolerating you? If you’re texting on a daily basis, are you smothering them or is the affection mutual? What if they already have a ton of friends? Do they even need another friend? What are you bringing to the table?

The vet school crew – these were actually Tony’s workmates that I got to hang out with too

Then, you’re going through all the social rules you’ve learned along the way. “Make sure to talk about them more than you”, “If they’re talking, they’re happy”, “don’t act jealous when you find out they’re declining hanging out because they already have plans with their other friends”, “don’t act desperate or too interested”, whatever your plans for the day, if they invite you for something, drop everything and do it – but make it sound like you had nothing else to do.

Game night with co-workers/film crew

Now, lets add another monkey to the wrench. Let’s say the person you connected with first is also your boss. You tell yourself you’re going to keep your professional and your personal relationship separate, but eventually, problems arise. You may want to just vent about a co-worker, but is that going to get that person in trouble? Will your friend question their management? Will they question if you’re questioning their management? What happens when you have to be reprimanded? How could your friend DO that to you??? You better keep it light and communicate first with a little joke or meme to let them know you’re not crushed – cuz that would be lame of you. If you complain about your personal finances, will your friend/boss take that as a passive aggressive underhanded attack about how much you are paid?

Virginia friends

Let’s face it, we’re probably all a little more socially awkward than we’d like to be. I definitely am – if I get spooked in public (like someone acknowledging my existence, I’ve been known to dump my goods and run out of the store). I LOVE talking to the public in mass, but get me out on my own in public and I’m a squirrel. Therefore, the idea of putting myself out there when I’m comfortable in my own house with my 22 year bestie seems ridiculous sometimes. So, what is it? I guess it’s having someone in the same situation I’m in so we can bounce frustrations or ideas off each other. Tony’s great, but he’s not a woman and doesn’t deal with or even mostly understand the differences women experience in the world. Do I want a mother friend with perfect children? Absolutely not. My children are half feral and it’s nice to be able to gripe about them without getting “well maybe less processed foods” or screens, or telling me what amazingly simple trick worked for them when their children just came out of the womb polite and boring.

Work Buddies

It’s hard moving repeatedly and having to try to integrate yourself with people who have lived in that place for generations and know everyone and have all their friends and social circles already established. But I also think if you seek, you shall find. I have been moving all over the (eastern) country looking for a place that has all I need and people I like to be with. At each stop I have found people I love, but somehow it just wasn’t enough or those people didn’t stick with me. I have truly enjoyed this place in Virginia. It’s got the weather (ALL four seasons!!), the recreational activities, national park, mountains, proximity to a major area (D.C.), and most of all, the people! I love everyone I work with, could go party with any of them, our kids are all growing up together in school, go to each others birthday parties, I’ve found a great church, meet up with a small group from that church, and could not love the preacher any more. And I may have a bestie now too… just don’t tell them or they might think I’m lame.

Virginia is for lovers… and making new beginnings
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The Parenting Tip that kids don’t want you to know

  • Pics from our very indulgent vacation we just got back from…
“G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S!… Oh, the flossy flossy” – Fergie

My children and us were having a conversation last night. We were saying that when they have kids, we will be that child’s grandparent and we will be able to say “you did that when you were a kid” when they complain to us about things. Oscar stated he would be a better parent than us. I said “are we not good parents” to which he replied “yes, but I’ll be better”. I asked what he would do differently and finally, after some coaxing since he knew I was slightly offended, he came up with “I would let them do more things they wanted to”. That’s when I decided to let them in on a little life secret.

These things.

I turned to him and said “I’m going to let you know about a super secret parenting fact that, for some reason, parents don’t usually tell their kids. I love you guys more than ANYTHING in the world and nothing, I mean NOTHING makes be happier than seeing you guys happy. But, as a parent, it’s my job to make sure you guys turn out to be good people and respectable adults. If I were to give you everything you want, which I WANT to, you would expect everyone and the world to treat you the same way. You would be one of those awful people who only think about themselves and are spoiled and get super mad when things don’t go their way. I want you all to be loving, giving, compassionate people and sometimes that means dealing with not getting everything you want. In the real world, you’ll go into a job and be expected to get things done in a timely manner – including getting your shoes on – and if you don’t, you’ll get fired. The other reason is that you are children and I’m an adult with almost 40 years of experience and I know outcomes of some of the things you think you want. I have to keep you protected from hurting yourselves or being unhealthy”

Perhaps a too indulgent breakfast everyday, but on vacation, it was amazing!

Parenting is SO hard and not just because you’re exhausted from being a servant to three little piglets (to a certain age) or trying to wrap your brain around the decisions their little primordial brains make, but mostly trying to decide what you should take care of and what you should not. If parenting were just being a servant to a demanding little idiot, it would be tiring, frustrating, hair pulling, but I think what makes parenting harder on the next level is allowing them to make that decision you would have stopped and letting them learn why it was stupid. A good parent knows that the best way to learn is to experience it yourself, but it’s SO hard to sit there and comfort the tears that you could easily fix, but stop yourself for the lesson learned.

Some lessons are better learned by telling though, not experiencing.

Once, Oscar wanted a watch SOOOOO bad – he picked it out – it was a Pokemon watch (like $10 ) and he loved it! One day he came home crying because he had lost it at school. He had taken it off to wash his hands in the bathroom and left it and when he came back, it was gone. Oscar is my most sensitive child and I love that about him, so watching him cry over this was heart wrenching. All I wanted to do was grab my keys and run out right then and replace it for him. But instead I had to hold him and explain about responsibility and loss while he cried even harder that I wouldn’t get him a new one, ripping my heart in two.

Pandora – Disney

Losing something as small (not in his mind) as a $10 watch that he’d had for a whopping 2 weeks is a much preferred lesson on loss than other things he could and will lose in his life and dealing with loss is a very important lesson in life – processing the emotions and the grief and acceptance, learning lessons from what could have been done differently – slowly builds an emotional maturity ready to better handle the world. Hopefully, now when he’s 30 and his favorite coffee mug breaks, he’ll be sad, but he won’t fall on the floor and think the world has come to an end or worse, scream at his child for knocking off the counter.

Hippo at Disney

So, kids, just know that we are bound by our duty to make you into decent adults and even though we’d love nothing more than to stop your tears with new things and watch your faces light up, we have to make hard decisions about what we can indulge you with and what just needs to be a life lesson. And thanks to this lesson, my kids are very familiar with the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What you Want”

Introducing these adults – starting in 2030
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“I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash”

So, things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows and learning to navigate that can be challenging. Even though my life is pretty damn good, I still have rough patches where I cannot see or appreciate that. Just like a diabetic forgetting insulin and going into a ketoacidotic crisis, a person on certain medications for mental illness skipping doses can cause a different sort of crisis. One night, when I had run out of my antidepressant/anxiety medication the night before, (my fault) I was increasingly irritable, everything set me off and finally I just went to bed because I was in such a dark place all I wanted to do was cry. As I lay in bed, crying and trying to talk myself out of going and getting a knife and opening a vein – mostly for the sanity of my kids not having a mother or having one who took her own life – I started telling myself “I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash” and oddly enough, I actually felt better. I just kept chanting it until my crying stopped and I fell asleep. The next few days, even though I started my drugs back again, every time I felt anxious, upset, not good enough, frustrated with whatever situation, I would just say that to myself and I calmed down. But why?

I posted it on a vet mom’s group and asked why that would make me feel better. I got some good answers, and they may all be correct, but this is what they said:

  1. Maybe it’s because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone that once you step back and acknowledge that you really aren’t that important, it’s almost a relief. Between my kids, my husband, my family, my clients, co-workers, bosses, friends, random social media critics/fans, etc, I try to be all I can be and it sometimes gets me so irritable that they still aren’t happy with me. I think when I can step back and remember that I’m not that important to them, I can take the pressure off of myself for not making them completely happy. Like, if I think about how I go home overwhelmed and upset about an interaction I’ve had with them, then think about how they probably aren’t thinking about me and I haven’t ruined their life, maybe I, too, can forget about it.
  2. I’m telling myself this to reaffirm the inner demon that tells me I’m not good enough. This one is a little darker and may have some truth to it, but normally when I’m diving headlong into a self sabotaging spiral, I feel worse and worse. Repeating the phrase here, though, made me feel better. Like, tears drying, wrenching gut relaxing, better.
  3. Maybe I just have too much self importance. I mean, don’t we all a little? Because you’re you and you live from your point of view, that MUST mean you’re meant for something big. You will have a great affect on the world. God wants you for something spectacular! But maybe I am just nobody. I had a friend once tell me that not everyone can be SOMEONE. Sometimes God just needs fillers or pawns or placeholders or just fluff. Which, definitely, at it’s heart is disheartening. But, at some point, maybe it’s a little bit of a relief to know you maybe don’t have THAT much responsibility in the world. Like, I love just working as an employee, especially when I see what my employers have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I’m okay with being nobody, nothing. (Okay, “trash” MAY be taking it too far and feeding my demons)

So, in conclusion: DON’T SKIP YOUR MEDS (check now to make sure you’re not about to run out). And maybe it’s okay to take some pressure off yourself. I know we all feel like we have to be the best at our job, the best looking companion for your spouse, the best and most devoted parent, on top of brushing your dog or cat’s teeth, keeping your house spotless and your kids bathed more than once weekly (who me?), and to ALWAYS treat others with patience and grace. But, one day, our gravesites (if you’ll have one) will be just some words on a stone and no one will know who you are or were (unless you were someone SUPER special) or whether you were nice to that one person that one day when you were exhausted and bitter. Forgive yourself, you’re really not anyone special (and that’s okay).

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Just Cogs in a Wheel

Do you ever wonder “What’s the point?” “Why do I even try?” or think “No good deed goes unpunished”. Well, a big FAT “Ditto!” from me. I appreciate everyone’s patience through my journey and struggle with faith and seeking meaning and understanding. I know everyone seeks a meaning to life, but I, like, NEED it to all make sense. Like a well rounded novel. All the pieces need to fit together perfectly and then there will be an Ah HA! moment. This has not happened yet for me, but I’m slowly combing through theories and ideas to make my little simple brain happy and content (with a warm fuzzy blanket and mug of something warm… and maybe even a kitten).

Izza keettee kissin me!

Well, my latest struggle has been the crushingly daunting task of trying to make the world better. I’m just one person on a planet of 7.753 billion people stretched farther than I’ve ever travelled or even imagined. How am I supposed to convince the world that love and peace is the best option (and, if you’re a Christian, the way Jesus taught) when so many are angry, vengeful, just a hair’s trigger from mentally crushing someone, physically hurting them, or even killing them because you felt a hint of fear from their difference?

It’s exhausting being an empath

Through this thought process, long hours of running, hiking, thinking, I think I’ve convinced myself of this: I may not convince anyone…. that I know of. If I say “I don’t believe in guns” because I’m a pacifist and follower of Jesus and cannot imagine EVER killing someone, I’m gonna piss a LOT of people off. So many THINK they would be fine with killing a person just because they trespassed or even broke into their home, but I don’t think so. I think they would live with the debilitating guilt of judging that person and taking that life without a really good reason. (Break into my house to steal stuff? I will help you pack your car up before I would ever consider harming you – I mean, a call to the police and insurance will be my next step, but not challenging you). So, now I’ve really pissed some of you off. That’s fine. You will load up the comment section about how stupid and naïve I am and how frivolous I am with my kids’ lives. But SOME one, even if they spew hatred toward me for this opinion, just might have a seed planted in their brain and years down the road, may start to edge toward a more peaceful path. Maybe they’ll just shoot the drunk that accidentally wandered into their house in the foot, instead of taking his life (or the drunk son that didn’t announce he was coming home in the middle of he night as happened to my uncle).

Let make peace the “fabric” of our existence

So, how do you convince yourself to keep trying? Let’s say you are just doing your best to be patient and show grace to the people who annoy you the most. Whether it’s the people who annoy you or someone bearing witness do your actions, you may just be tapping the first domino that starts a new way of life for that person. Now, you may never see those changes. You may even consider that encounter a failure because nothing ever changed in front of you, but you may never know what affect you had on that person or the people in their lives.

Pretty views also help

I just have to keep trying and continue to hope beyond hope that if I treat people the way I want to be treated and demonstrate grace, forgiveness, gentle corrections, but also admit to my own weaknesses and relate to people, always being as open as possible, others will take note and try to also be the best they can be, while acknowledging and accepting their own faults. (I think it’s very important to share personal difficulties and weaknesses – it’s super healthy for personal and community mental health).

Delphi aka Dirty Hippie Kitty and I have a LOT of imperfections

Now the other side of the coin that I struggle with on this subject is WHY are there people out there who are opposite of me? Why are there people who’s first reaction is to be mad or angry or want to incite revenge? I’ve mentioned the Monet painting in a previous post (we’re all dots of color in the world/universe and some are bright yellow, while others are muddy dark green – but we all work together to make a beautiful picture). I have since come up with another analogy. Some of us are extensor muscles while others are flexors. The joint won’t work if we are all extensors. To balance the world, we need both. But, see, this is when I go back to “why even try?”. And I spiral.

Painted this on my wall – I just LOVE me some radial symmetry

I dunno. Be the best you can be in hopes that your color will leach onto others, even if you never see it. You never know how they will treat a stranger down the road because they knew you and reconsidered a way of thinking, even if miniscule. Remember that “Hurt people hurt people”. So, the next time you wonder why someone is so cruel, try to imagine they were scarred sometime in the past and give them some grace. Also remember that misery loves company and try try try not to get sucked down the spiral that is their misery.

Maybe don’t be as crushingly influential as Maize tries to be #personalspace
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Cats: They’re Sensitive (and they’d like to stay that way)

Cats are funny creatures. So independent and in your face with their needs and desires. They seem so low maintenance. You just get a cat, some food and a litterbox and you’re set! Easiest pet you ever had!

Sweet Toad – the perfect cat – except that he’s a nasty bully to the other cats.

Oops, no! Sure, some cats are ridiculously low maintenance and use their litterbox all the time, eat, drink, don’t vomit on your important documents or pee on your laundry or chew on your electrical cords. But getting one that great from the get go and their staying that way is a gamble much like life insurance (or worse, short term disability insurance).

Spicy Penelope – except to other cats – she’s the target of their aggression

Litterbox habits: This is the number one behavioral complaint we get with cats. Now, I am no behaviorist, but will try to explain what I tell clients when they’re having trouble with urinating or defecating outside the litter box. First thing’s first: as a vet, I definitely want to make sure there’s nothing medical that is causing this issue. Urinary tract infections, cystitis (which can also be behavioral), arthritis, diabetes, kidney disease, crystals or stones, other health issues. So, we will start with bloodwork and urinalysis to rule out the easy ones. For arthritis, we may, next try X-rays or pain medication trial. Once we’ve ruled out medical reasons the cat may be giving you the fluffy finger, we’ll move on to behavior/social/psychological issues.

This is Delphi – she’s 18 and hyperthyroid and pees on our counters and herself – hence the bath.
  1. There’s a rule of thumb that you should have 1 litterbox per cat plus 1. So, if you are like me and have 5 cats, you should have a minimum of 6 litterboxes.
  2. If you have multiple cats, make sure to spread out the litterboxes in case one cat is secretly bullying another cat and chasing them out of the litterbox. I have multiple litterboxes on each level of my house, including the basement. If you have dogs, make sure the cat can get to the litterbox without a dogs nose up their butt waiting for the “fresh from the oven” treats. Consider a baby gate raised to 5-6 inches off the floor to allow the cat to scoot under, but not the dog – or if you have a small dog and young cat, baby gate on the floor.
  3. Some cats like the covered litterboxes, some feel claustrophobic. You’ll have to try different ones. Give different options. Regular open ones, closed ones, tupperware bin with a hole cut in the side, deep ones, shallow ones. Who cares? Cats. They care. A lot.
  4. Clean the boxes VERY regularly. At least once daily. Cats are bourgeoise and don’t want to use a dirty bathroom just like you.
  5. Try different litters. Some like the clumping, some don’t, mine hated the pelleted recycled stuff that was supposed to save the environment. Like many people, cats are more about themselves – tiny, soft, fluffy narcissists. (My cats really LOVE Dr. Elsey “Cat Attract” litter)
  6. Don’t keep the boxes where there’s a lot of noise, or commotion. Or, God forbid, change what’s in the room. My sister’s cat stopped using the litterbox in the laundry room when she got a new washing machine.
  7. A cat’s stress organ is their bladder. So, if something is stressing them out, the bladder will get inflamed and can even make them urinate blood without their having a bacterial urinary tract infection.

Food and water secrets: In general, cats are desert animals and are prone to not drinking enough which can lead to urinary and kidney issues.

  1. Offer water in several forms. Beautiful bowl you tediously picked out online that perfectly matches your décor and your cat’s unique personality? Complete garbage. Try leaving a disgusting dish in your shower to collect water haphazardly – they LOVE it! Leave a faucet dripping, leave a cup of water on the counter – they’ll drink it.. then dump it. Pretend to fix yourself a glass of ice water and look away for a few minutes. Run the shower for just a second and watch them happily clean the droplets off the walls. Cats are bougie, but also sometimes hipster.
  2. If you’re ever in the position to need to try to force feed your sick cat – remember this: whatever food you decide to use, your cat will HATE that food forever! So have an alternate food to offer to see if they will eat on their own and don’t use their regular food if they have special prescription diets that they need. Talk to your vet about options.
  3. Cats DON’T NEED MUCH FOOD. Really, most domestic animals are obese these days, but for the most part, cats only need about 200 kcal per day (average for a 10 lb/4.5kg cat +/- weight for tiny cats or TRUE Maine coons – talk to your vet to get an idea of what your cat should weigh). Look at your bag of cat food and figure out how many kcal/cup of food and calculate from there. Overweight cats lead to unhappy, sedentary, arthritic, diabetic kitties who can’t even groom themselves and have to get shaved or develop sores on their rears from excrement sticking to them.
This is Dan the clinic cat. Dan is 20 lb. Dan has an eating problem and needs to be on a diet.

Social order:

  1. Don’t TOUCH me! For a cat, the only acceptable place to be touched (until consent is fully achieved and a safe word is established) is the top of the head. This is the only place that they cannot groom themselves and will more readily accept touch on this area. So, if you’re first meeting a cat or trying to gain it’s trust, start with a little scratch on top of the head and then move on from there.
  2. Cats are like potato chips, you can’t just stop at one. Buuuuut… maybe you should. Yes, some cats LOVE companions, but for the most part, cats are solitary creatures that really need their own territory. If your cats aren’t getting along, you may need to establish their own territory complete with their own food, water, litter boxes, beds, toys, humans, etc. I recently thought I would be smart and get two kittens from the same litter so they would “love each other” and it totally worked for about a year. Now, they hate each other and break out in full on screaming, hair flying battles. We have 5 cats now and have to rotate who gets to be around humans between the main floor, the basement, and even the outdoors. Only my 18 year old dirty hippie kitty is accepted/picked on equally by the other four.
  3. Kitties seem like couch potatoes once they reach adulthood – happy to eat, drink, and sleep. In reality, cats get really bored really easily and to keep them mentally as well as physically healthy, it’s very important to keep them stimulated in their very controlled environment. My household does not allow for toys on the floor (per poodles), but a cat tree next to a window, a bird feeder to watch, laser pointers, SCRATCHING toys (flood them with scratching toys to keep them from shredding your furniture), toys with moving parts, there’s some mouse toys you can put their regular food in and hide throughout the house instead of in a bowl so they can feel like they’re hunting, there’s compressed catnip in a ball you can hang on the wall and they can rub/lick/play with it. Cats like tunnels, ramps to get to high places. Leave Amazon boxes on the floor for a few days, plastic or paper bags from shopping, kids’ canvas tunnels, tents, etc.
Popcorn, sibling to Toad. Hates Toad. And Penelope.

Dr. Elsey’s Cat attract litter: https://www.drelseys.com/products/cat-attract-litter/

Cat toy: https://www.chewy.com/doc-phoebes-cat-co-indoor-hunting-cat/dp/179101

Cat nip balls: https://www.amazon.com/Potaroma-Silvervine-Catnip-Healthy-Cleaning/dp/B08T7493WJ/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=2MIY8OB36U2B0&keywords=catnip%2Bballs&qid=1663263254&sprefix=catnip%2Bball%2Caps%2C118&sr=8-2-spons&th=1

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Your Truth or Mine?

I’ve been lied to by everyone. I deal with lies on a multiple-times-a-day basis (clients, kids, family, friends, media sources) Sometimes big lies. Sometimes not. But it occurred to me that I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t say that I BELIEVE anyone, but have to, instead decide whether or not to accept what they are telling me as truth (and even then, with a stink eye).

This is my “oh, really?” face.

I think that taking EVERYTHING with a grain of salt is both tragic and helpful. Yes, I have been lied to and heart broken by the people I trust most, but, also I will in depth look into something that is being flagrantly claimed. Gossip at work about one of my co-workers? I’ll question the person telling me and offer another viewpoint that doesn’t villainize that person. Shocking political claims? Just hold on a minute and let’s consider if that even makes sense. (I mean, come on, Democrats can’t get it together to agree on, let alone act on anything in unison, but somehow they’re these deep underground conspiracies that they’re controlling your life??)

Funny face. Also how you look when you spout conspiracies

Now, some of this also comes from training I received in college (even undergrad). I had an entire course that took scenarios and gave us different perspectives to teach us that the data presented to us sometimes is not the way it should be interpreted. For instance: One example I so clearly remember was the headline “Eating McDonald’s linked to poor grades in school children”. Off the bat, it makes you think that the nutritional quality of fast food is causing some sort of brain deficiency. But, like many of us learn on day 1 of science – you have to separate and isolate out the variables in order to make that the sole conclusion. In this case, you could also look at the socioeconomic factors. Children who are fed fast food are more likely lower in the socioeconomic group, meaning their parents can’t afford better foods or don’t have time to go shopping and cook and are, therefore, less likely to have time to dedicate to studies. Unless you take the exact same children, treat them the exact same way, but feed them fast food for a month and then healthy food for a month and compare scores, and factor out ANY other variables that came into play that month, you CANNOT get a conclusion from this.

Two full sisters, all variables controlled, totally different personalities because sometimes #science

Next time you hear “Research shows X is correlated with Y” don’t just accept that. This is something we learned in college (believe it or not, it wasn’t just “how to be a snowflake leftist”) – how to critically review information and decide if it’s relevant. For instance, in veterinary medicine, I’m faced with clients who say they’ve heard that vaccines/heartworm preventatives/corn/nail trims (hahaha! JK! never nail trims) are causing cancer in animals. Their proof? More dogs and cats are dying from cancer than when they were kids. My retort? “Well, animals are also living longer than they did when I was a kid. They’re not dying of parvo, distemper, parasites, heartworms, etc. So, you live longer, you’re more likely to get cancer”. Or, headline: “Birth control linked to more anxiety and depression” – truth: probably the vast majority of women of reproducing age are on some form of birth control. ALSO, mental issues in general are getting diagnosed more frequently both as we come to understand what they mean, and as we start to accept the need for help more openly. There’s probably a million other variables in this, but taking something that the majority of the population is involved with and then linking it to ANYTHING that is happening more, you could draw the same conclusions, but doesn’t make it a causation.

Because IT WILL KILL you. This is how information can be presented and mean something totally different.

So, that’s my rant on “correlation does not equal causation” there’s normally 100 variables that could be involved, which it why it is so hard to study anything – trying to exclude all but one variable to test. Another thing I wanted to talk about is what it says about us when we decide to accept a truth. Again, there is no truth (okay, there is, but what do we know?), only what we accept as truth. Therefore, what does it say about us to automatically accept the most horrific version of things – especially without any evidence? I have friends and family who still think there’s “deep state” conspiracies and “widespread election fraud” despite not a shred of evidence. What does that say that these people are in such a need for their truth to be “the truth” that they will start fights and keep hate in their hearts over something that has no backing? Or if you hear a nasty rumor about a co-worker’s past and instead of doing some VERY careful digging or ignoring it, you just accept it and continue to spread that rumor? Maybe it’s true, but what good does it do to tell everyone and have them all look at that person in a completely different light when it doesn’t do anyone any good?

Just because two things are happening at the same time doesn’t mean they are AT ALL related

And for those who will, inevitably, reply “Jesus is the truth”, you are 100% right. If we could all act more like and follow Jesus, I DO think we would find so much more happiness and peace with each other. If we follow his example to love everyone, not judge them (so you think they’re sinning? So are you. Just love them, it’s what Jesus said), show empathy, help those in need, welcome those who are persecuted, and show love and inclusion… could you even imagine a world where we truly all followed Jesus’s teaching instead of just yelled at each other about what we should and shouldn’t be doing because #sin. When you see someone who is having a hard time, it’s so easy to say “well, they made poor decisions, I made good ones, so this is all their fault” because it’s hard to say “it’s possible I’ve had better luck than them, had better opportunities, education, socialization.” or “I know I’ve made bad decisions in my life and have been lucky to get out of them”. The truth you choose to accept says a lot about the person you are.

Let’s try to live in a world where we all lift each other up. Someone is a better dresser than you? Tell them, lift them up. Someone is smarter than you? Let it go, celebrate the contributions they could be making to the world if they are celebrated and supported vs having to defend themselves or hide from shame. If we all just gave each other a pat on the back when we are doing “us” as long as it’s not hurting anyone, we could ALL be so much happier and loving and live closer to a paradise. My truth is the possibility of what we could be if we actually looked inside ourselves and loved like Jesus told us to.

Painting I did for my grandmother after her son/my youngest uncle Rick died.
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Ravings of a lunatic part 1

Okay, maybe not a lunatic, but a sleepless, late night, pondering person.

What if…

1a: God is not a particular *person or soul, but a combination of a collective love? Like, they say “God is Love” but what if there is a literal ball of light or fire, or a huge sun that is made up of 100% pure love and our purpose for being put here is to manufacture love – kind of like “The Matrix” but better. We are faced with challenges, (or not) and the amount of love we produce despite set backs fills this ball of light with more and more love until we reach our quota and then heaven is created? Maybe people who live an easy life and create love add small amounts to the ball of light and those in harder situations produce love that is more valuable and worth more to the ball of light? I think, for me, at least, this makes me feel a little better about not being perfect. I may have a bad day and may be irritable and less patient, but that’s okay because I can only add to the love sun when I can.

And then, if you were to commit suicide, all that light you contributed gets snuffed out because all the people you helped or made happy will now be even sadder that your light was tainted.

1b: So, I’ve always struggled with why God couldn’t just make good things happen and why he allows for bad things to happen, but what if He actually cannot have any direct effect on the world? What if He can only inspire us to do things and it’s up to us to listen and do His will or deny Him and have do whatever we want? And if you listen to Him, good things happen for the world and, eventually for you, but if you don’t, things may end up fine or not. So, God is more like a puppet master (Cue “Stranger Things” guitar solo scene).

2: What if… the saliva that mosquitos inject into your skin after they suck your blood that triggers that immune reaction that so awful and itchy is actually there to STOP the bleeding so you don’t die. What if mosquitos actually really love us (or don’t want their host to die) and just want the blood to stop? Okay, maybe not, they also are the biggest killers of humans worldwide because even though they mean us love with their spit, they also are like flying dirty hypodermic needles spreading bloodborne disease.

3. Have you ever thought about how silly many of our disagreements, murders, wars, persecutions really are?? I mean, think about it. The biggest difference between the three main religions in the world is whether or not this guy, Jesus, was the savior. That’s it. One dispute, same God, different prophet/savior. Why, oh WHY does that mean we all have to kill each other? If I think a particular actor did a better job at playing a character in a movie than another actor, does that give me a right to go out and murder an entire community because they believe differently? Or change the politics of people’s lives because they don’t agree with me on cinematic artistry?? I’ve literally heard of churches fighting and splitting over whether an organ was played or a keyboard. It really is completely silly. Please STOP.

Okay, new and crazy ideas to come later.

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“The Good Death”

The weird, complicated process that is ending suffering and why it’s NOT the worst part of my job.

***Since euthanasia can be a really sad subject, the pictures in this blog are animals who were saved from euthanasia***

I was going on my usual neighborhood run with the dogs and was coming up on a neighbor’s house who had a dog that I had treated recently. In my tired, oxygen deprived brain, I was thinking – like I had been for the past several weeks – “I wonder how Axle is doing? I should call them.” Then, I remembered with a sinking sensation: “Axle is gone, stupid, you euthanized him last week.” Then, of course, I spent the last agonizing miles going through all of his labs and imaging in my brain trying to figure out what had been wrong with him and if I had missed anything or if I could have done better somehow. This all got me to thinking though about the oddity that is euthanasia and all the weird components that go into it.

Merlin was brought in for euthanasia after his mother mangled his back leg when he was 3 days old. After a leg amputation that was like surgery on a chicken wing, he grew up and lived another 8.5 years before he succumbed to his joint issues.

The most common assumption about my job that I get is that euthanasias must be the hardest part of the job. For ME, for the vast majority of the cases, euthanasias are (and you’re going to hate me for this) actually one of the easier parts of the job. You don’t have to figure anything out, I have a set way I do it EVERY time, and the only challenge is hitting a vein – which I’ve gotten pretty good at. So, between the 19 year old cat that weighs 3lbs here for euthanasia or the 8 year old english bulldog with all the skin, ear, and eye problems and the owner who refuses to keep up on treatment and wanted to know why you couldn’t just give them antibiotics every 2 weeks? I’ll take that euthanasia, thank you.

Catina was brought in for euthanasia as a feral barn kitten with two ruptured eyes from a viral infection. After months of just sitting and reading a book aloud, her anger, fear, violent hissing/biting when handled went away and she is now the sweetest cat who loves attention

So, what’s wrong with me? Am I souless? Do I not care about the love and devotion people have put into their life time companion? Why do I not break down crying and sobbing with the owners every time I have to stop an animal’s heart with an injection and wonder if, when I die I will be punished or not? So, hear me out.

Penelope was saved from death after being brought in as a frozen kitten found in a ditch. Her heart stopped during revival and had to be resuscitated. Now she’s an ungrateful spicy kitty that is well loved.
  1. The vast majority of euthanasias are a good thing. Animals who have reached their limits of life’s comfort and are mostly miserable everyday. Pets and friends who no longer want to get out of bed, can’t keep food down, get confused about where they are, are becoming skeletal despite a good appetite, have a mass that is taking over their body or has ruptured and is bleeding out. Basically, giving these pets the gift of taking away their pain is almost relieving. It is difficult for the client because they are struggling with the decision to euthanize – something we don’t have to deal with (though would like to) in the human world – and are losing their best friend. But, as an outsider, looking in, all I see is a pet that has run out of options for seeking comfort and I’m just sparing them the agonizing wait of slowly withering into nothing, starving to death, bed sores, fear and anxiety as they slowly suffocate from heart failure, daily pain that prevents them from any normal functions.
  2. Vets, especially the ones who have been practicing awhile, have established deep, dark pits of space where they take hard emotions and bury them down deep. We get all the emotions thrown at us on a daily basis – happy, sad, stress, guilt, anger, frustration, irritation, self loathing, client loathing, patient loathing, public loathing, loathing (generic), annoyance, etc, etc, and if we actually take the time out of our day to process these emotions, we would never get all the patients seen that we are required to see (not to mention the ones that get shoved in when there is no time and the ones we have to send away that hate us and write terrible things about us). Therefore, to survive as a professional and a human, who then has to have functioning relationships with real people away from work, we have gotten super good at flaring with that emotion and then shoving it down into our deep dark caves of oblivion. When you’ve dealt with all that in a day and then you have to euthanize something. This is straightforward. And….
  3. We euthanize animals ALL THE TIME. All day, everyday, with extra ones being added right before holidays for some reason. Eventually, a thick callous is formed and it just becomes another task in our day. If we’ve been working with a patient for a long time, if the need for euthanasia is sudden and traumatic, sure, it’s way harder on us emotionally, we’re not monsters.
  4. If we feel that a euthanasia is NOT warranted, we will talk to the owner and try to convince them that maybe this is a treatable or completely fabricated illness (I had one cat euthanasia on a 4 yo cat who was just prancing around the euth room, purring, rubbing my hands and the complaint was she hadn’t pooped in 4 months. I finally convinced them that if that were the case, she would be dead and that she was very likely pooping in a place they haven’t found). I have stopped euthanasia on animals that were being put down for being “miserably itchy all the time” and had no hair. Turns out, they just needed flea medication. Sometimes, medications haven’t been tried and even chronic diseased patients can get several more months of relief with the introduction of these meds. Sometimes, the owner is just not equipped to care for the patient and another owner can afford and dedicate the time to give the animal a great quality of life. But, I’ll tell you what, broaching the topic is somewhat a delicate thing as the owner has likely already been stewing over this decision and introducing even a tinge of doubt can be traumatic for the owner especially if it comes down to a money issue. At the same time, we can’t afford to rescue every animal ourselves and the animal has to be pretty “sellable” (super sweet, not a sketch ball, not super complicated) to convince other people to adopt (as bad as that sounds.)
  5. Finally, yes, euthanasias affect us. We are not monsters. I can walk into a room, connect with the owners and feel their sadness, feel their depression and their guilt. I make it my priority (after confirming that the animal needs to be euthanized) to make the owner not feel guilt or regret. I talk to them and console and re and reaffirm that this IS the BEST decision they could be making and that it is the RIGHT decision. My job is to the client at this point and once they have rightfully decided to end a patient’s suffering, they need to know that a professional in this field 100% agrees with them. But the WORST euthanasias, by far, besides the obvious when you have worked with a patient for a long time and know the animal and the owner and their full life story, is when there is either an old man, a hardened Clint Eastwood type man, or children in the room. I have a very hard time when that old, withered man who looks like he hasn’t cried since he was a toddler and is ashamed of even that time, has big fat tears welling up and he doesn’t want you to see him. It’s okay, you can cry, I won’t tell anyone. Or children when they seemingly understand what’s going on and then once I say the patient has passed then they get a wild, panicked look in their eyes and ask “You mean he’s DEAD!?!” and then burst into tears or screaming.
Wicket was saved from euthanasia after she was born with no bones in her front legs.

Euthanasia is easily the saddest part of the human/animal bond. Whether it’s saying goodbye to a best friend you’ve had since you were a child, or the only thing left you have to link you to your husband who died last year, or even in an unexpected emergency, it’s never any easier, but it is also a sense of relief. Our job as veterinarians is to make sure you make the best decision for the animal and make sure you feel okay with it. When it’s clear cut, nothing could be easier for me than to decide to end the suffering of the animal and to be it’s advocate when the owner’s mind and heart are understandably muddled with emotion.

Heggie – saved from euthanasia and rehomed with a clinic employee.

That all being said, it still sucks.

Anything but bad luck for Dan, the office cat. Saved from euthanasia after being hit by a car and left at the clinic with a broken tail and jaw. Now demands attention (and food) all day from employees and clients alike.