Soapbox - This Little Light

August 31, 2021August 31, 2021

More light, less right

I listened to a great and eye opening sermon this Sunday (at home folding laundry). The basic message was that we need to remember to be a light for people – giving them inspiration and making them feel loved – instead of trying to convince them what is technically right (their doing wrong) but meanwhile hurting them. The example he gave was that age-old story of the woman being brought before Jesus to be stoned for adultery. Jesus could have just as easily let her get stoned to death and been technically right according to the old testament, but, instead, he chose grace and shined the light on her.

I know very much that I have been guilty of trying to force people into my interpretation of right – social issues, medical issues, political issues. But what I need to be doing is spreading the light of love. I have struggled so much with dealing with our current atmosphere and trying to decide when to comment on something, knowing I’m not going to change anyone’s opinion, and when to just let it go and try to be that happy person.

I have found that much of my depression and anxiety is linked to what’s going on in the world and why people are being so stubborn as well as all the negative energy and messages people are openly sharing. My friend sent me a meme that basically says that back in the day before internet and social media, we would only occasionally get hit in the face with bad news, but now that we have access to everything all the time, the amount of bad news is just overwhelming and we’re likely not made to deal with that much. I just need to let it all go. If people don’t want to listen to what the experts are saying and self medicating or denying doctor’s recommendations, then there’s no way what I say will matter. It’s like we say in the veterinary world ‘You can’t care more about your patient than they (client) do”

If people want to spew hatred toward things that are harmless but it makes them feel uncomfortable, I can’t change that. I just need to let it go. But, for sure stand up for someone if you know it’s directed to hurt that person. If I think people are sinning and going against Jesus’s teachings, I cannot change them, I cannot make them a project – that’s all for me, all selfish. But, I can show them love even through it and hope that through my love and support they will also see the light and come around to doing good.

I’m 100% guilty of posting things that are not constructive just to prove a point or make fun of someone for their science denial. But I would like to start anew and ask that you do too. Remember ALL the people who will see your message and if you can think of one person it might offend, don’t do it. Let’s also stop making fun of people for being offended and calling each other snowflakes. Literally everyone is offended by something, so making fun of others for being offended by something is only creating more hate and division in the world.

As far as being Christian goes, you may feel the need to make proclamations directly toward someone or in a general statement that individuals are “sinning”, but as Jesus said, “Let the sinless cast the first stone”. We need to show EVERYONE love (except like mass murderers of child abusers, etc) or they will see that we are Christian, only feeling the hate and rejection we are saying our God will show and that just makes them turn away from the light. You can’t save someone whom you have already rejected as wrong. We are all sinners, but God loves us all.

Sometimes I blur the line when I comment on something to give a different light or to politely correct misinformation, but it’s gotten harder and harder with people being anti-evidence based medicine. I try sometimes to stop the anger and fear before it gets out of hand. I really wish people would exercise their brakes more than their gas pedal. In other words, if you see something that seems offensive, makes you angry, get riled up, etc, STOP. Question the information, do a quick internet search for unbiased information (though I understand that is really hard), think about what is being claimed. Does that make sense? Is there an important part of the story that’s being omitted? Don’t just take the information from a meme and run with it, causing inflammatory reactions and a domino effect of false information. False information can be like juicy gossip that is fun to share and get others riled up like you, but it’s not the Christian thing to do.

One example of this out of control freaking out: My friend is running for school board and when she went out to talk to people about what they want to see, she met one person who said she heard the schools were going to be replacing Math with critical race theory. My first reaction was to laugh super hard. This information makes no sense, is completely preposterous, and perpetuates the fear and hatred that people suck up like a dry sponge. Just stop, think, criticize, ask God, then move on. If you don’t 100% know it’s true, don’t spread it. Be the light. Lead others out of the dark areas of their brain to analyze and be with God and His light.

There’s plenty of toxicity in the world without spreading lies and hurtful things that will just cause more fear and hatred. Let’s be better, let’s be the light. What ever religion or nonreligion you are, this can be achieved just by being a good and thoughtful person. Love others and forgive others like you would yourself. Give them the benefit of the doubt and if they’re no hurting anyone, let it go. Don’t be a bully. BE. THE. LIGHT.

Love you all, sorry for the rambling post. I’m just 24 hours out of anesthesia and a tad loopy. (had laparoscopic diagnostics done looking for endometriosis and all they found was endosalpingiosis – no clue what that means, but it’s nice to not be in constant pain as long as my post surgery drugs last)

July 31, 2021July 31, 2021

Torn with Porn

Some friends and I got into a very interesting and enlightening conversation the other day. One friend, we’ll call her Jenny, had just accidentally found out that her husband had been looking at porn for the past several years and was horrified. She went into the confusing feelings she was having dealing with it all.

She had been lied to. Even when she directly asked him about it, he denied it. He did not confess until she presented her evidence she had come upon. Her husband, whom had been a fantastic dad and husband for their entire relationship had lied to her – for years. He had cracked that solid base that she stood and relied on to function in life. What else could he be lying about?! What else could he have hidden after all these years while being able to look directly into her eyes and lie!?!
Was she not attractive enough for him? All the women in the porn videos are completely made up with ridiculously impossible bodies (often surgically and/or digitally altered) for her to achieve, especially after kids. What if he was going there because she was not enough for him anymore? Should she put in more effort into losing weight? Wear more provocative clothing? Make-up? Get a boob job??
Why was she trying to appease HIM? Why was she putting all of this on herself? She should love herself and he should love her just the way she was, but obviously he didn’t.

Another friend, let’s call her Wilma, just brushed off Jenny’s concerns and said “I don’t see the problem, all men do it, and it’s actually healthy – sometimes I’ll watch it with my husband if we want to spice it up a little.”

When the men (adamantly trying to avoid being involved in the conversation by watching the tv and fervently discussing soccer) were questioned, one’s point of view was that there is a lot of pressure on a man (or a decent one I’ll interject) to make sure the woman is interested in fooling around, and then has a good time during intercourse and that with porn, there is no pressure in either way and he can just enjoy himself all by himself and not feel stressed.

We understood that, but Jenny’s feelings were also pertinent. They were REAL feelings and it was okay for her to feel those feelings. We encouraged her to talk about it with him so that they could each air out what they were feeling and discuss it.

Later, we asked her about it and she said that her husband had no idea how looking at porn would hurt her, that he had never even thought about how it would make her feel and that he was just sold the normalcy of it through TV, advertisements, media, etc. He claimed that now that he knew how much it hurt her, he would never go back to it. I was like, “so if he didn’t think it would hurt you, why did he lie about it to your face?” She said he was just ashamed because it was embarrassing.

Hopefully, Jenny got one of the *rare* good ones and he will uphold his word. But what has gotten us into this conundrum? Is Jenny being silly for being upset about this? Should we, as partners, just expect “boys to be boys” and internalize our feelings of betrayal, hurt, or not being good enough? Do men just have the unspoken okay to go out and seek other sources of sexual entertainment without their spouse’s consent?

Watching shows like “The Crown” I see that back in the day, it was quite normal, though not talked about for men to go to “Gentlemen’s club” and to seek other women’s attention that way. Since, this has become less acceptable, but online porn is still VERY easily available. Many will tell you that it is perfectly normal and healthy, and if everyone involved in the decision to partake is ACTUALLY okay with it, then, sure, go for it, it’s not hurting anyone per se. But, this conversation makes me wonder – How many women or partners just pretend to be okay with it so they will not appear “uncool”? How many accept it and tell others to accept it because they feel they cannot change men and if they make a big deal out of it, no men will want their prudish selves?

I’ve been listening to a book called “Boundaries” and one thing I’ve learned from it and will try to apply to this subject is that everyone has their own limits and boundaries as to what they find acceptable behavior. From the get go, if you find the idea of your partner doing something wrong or unacceptable, you set that line. I bet a lot more people would set a line if they thought it was okay to. If you would feel hurt by your partner looking at others for sexual pleasure, you say “I’m not doing that.” and set that limit for you and your partner. Your partner will either, with respect and love that they should have for you, say, okay, I will stop, or tell you you’re being ridiculous and continue to bring you harm.

The main point is: you and your partner should feel comfortable with each other AND with each other’s set boundaries. There should be open conversations about LITERALLY everything. To be honest, I am a terrible communicator in that I cannot get the right words out when I want to – the other day I was angry with Tony and told him “I want to love you, but am not able to right now”. What he heard was “I don’t love you even though I’m supposed to” He, then, proceeded to sink into a deep depression for at least 24 hours. I thought he was just pouting because I had gotten onto him, so ignored his behavior. When I finally talked to him about it, I found out how my statement had come off and had to completely reword my statement. In typical Emily fashion, still not communicating well, I said “I didn’t mean that I want to love you like I want to like cheesecake (because I absolutely don’t like cheesecake, but everyone talks so highly of it), I meant I want to love you like I want to eat an entire chocolate cake, but know I shouldn’t” because he had wronged me. He understood and we’re fine now. Just a little communication. I have told him since that when he feels put out by me or my words, he needs to IMMEDIATELY say something like “wow, that kind of hurt. What I HEARD was… ” and then I can immediately confirm that’s what I meant or change my wording.

Sorry, got side tracked. The point is, it’s okay to set personal boundaries and expect your partner or future partners to respect those boundaries. There’s no point in bottling all of your heartache up because you feel that you’re supposed to accept things you personally cannot accept. THAT is NOT healthy.

*Side note about porn* – I’m not picking sides here. If both partners are absolutely and honestly okay with it, then great! But have the conversation and really talk about how it makes each other feel before continuing.

January 11, 2021

Is God in Control of Our Elections?

I encountered a discussion the other day that got me to thinking. I am very well aware of the followers I have and am likely going to lose some of those with this post. I just hope that before you hit the “unsubscribe” button, you will at least take a deeper look into yourself and think about things a little more. I thought about not posting, for fear of losing followers, but I feel that I was given the opportunity to be on TV, not just to be on TV and get “famous”, but to reach out to the world and do good. Well, here goes…

The statements that started the conversation: When Trump was elected: “Praise God who put Trump in office – God chooses our leaders” When Biden was elected: “I will pray to God that our country will survive this, the devil is in our country again.” Not only are these really bold statements in general, but they are deeply contradictory to each other. How can God be in control of one election and not the next one? If God is in control, He’s always in control, right?

**Tony and me at the City Museum in St. Louis, MO**

Now, I was admittedly upset when Trump was elected – not because he was a republican either, but I won’t get into why. Through the last four years, I’ve slowly come out of my shock and understand that God does everything for a reason. I can’t tell you why He takes babies and children away, or allows fatal wars to wage for decades, and I can’t tell you why He chose Trump to be our leader for four years either, but I have a theory.

Since the beginning of history, we have changed the way we treat each other as we have become a more densely populated species. At first it was all “eye for an eye” and “love your family and hate your enemies,” then about 2000 years ago, some pretty fantastic guy came along and said “no, love your neighbors AND your enemies.” Since then, we have been constantly redefining how we treat each other. We started with slaves that owed money, then we went to slaves that dared occupy their own land when we decided we wanted it, then we went to slaves that we went out and sought from other countries.

Finally, enough people decided that having slaves is bad. So, we fought a war to end slavery. Then we were like “okay, they’re not slaves, but they have far more melanin than me and are therefore inferior in every way.” Another wave of thought came declaring, “no, they just have more melanin and were never given a fair chance after they were freed, but they are human and should be treated as such” (BTW, this was ONLY about 60 years ago, not centuries). Then everyone (well, the privileged ones anyway) thought they were PRETTY good people and that a utopian society had been achieved.

Hitler was, at one time, the leader of Germany. Yes, I suppose God DID put him there if we are sticking with my line of thinking, but I don’t think it was to kill off a bunch of people directly. I think our entire span of history, we have been going through cycles of complacency and awakening. I’m not (by any means) a historian, but I think Hitler’s reign of terror really drove home the idea that if we are dealt a difficult enough time and a hated/feared enough group of people to blame, we can not only be persuaded into abandoning our morals, but we can be convinced that it was right and just to abandon them.

**More cousins at the Atlanta aquarium**

After Hitler, we were reawakened to the harsh realities of our human nature. We would never be like that again. We had a common enemy, he was defeated and we will never succumb to that again. We were more aware of the Jewish religion and were more careful to be nice and inclusive to those of other religions. We continued to improve our humanity, better and better every decade – slow to us, but change is slow. Then, I think we got complacent again. We (well, at least, me as a privileged white person) thought that every one was almost equally treated, the vast majority of people had love and inclusion in their hearts, and that we were almost there.

Then, something changed. Trump was elected. ***Disclaimer before you get mad, I completely understand that numerous, if not the majority of Trump supporters are good people who just believe that he was going to/did change the country for the better*** We can differ all day on policies and how the country should be run, and that’s fine! That’s how changes for the better are made, but what Trump did, whether or not intentionally, was to bring to light some of the people with evil and hate in their hearts. Trump acted as a divisive sieve to filter out all the degrees of anger on both sides. His words spurned fear, hatred, blame on the other side, and he even seeded doubt that facts weren’t facts that caused a deep paranoia among his followers. He got out on a social platform and spewed rhetoric and propaganda that struck fear in the hearts of some of his followers and made the other side hate his followers even more. Some people blame the media for dividing us, but with Trump standing on his own personal propaganda machine (twitter), we didn’t need the media to know just how scheming and deceitful he could be all on his own.

**Me and Tony Kayaking – me trying to turn a kayak into a paddle board.**

Personally, I’ve learned so much from these past four years. I’ve learned that I have been complacent until this period, I have falsely believed that racism and xenophobia were all but extinguished. Turns out we have a lot more work to do. Trump was ordained by God. Does that mean he’s a saint? No. But, I believe God places trials on us to make us realize areas where we need to improve to better do His work and spread His word and strive toward betterment as a people. I believe He wants us to stop. Think. Consider the views of the “other side” and communicate. Hopefully this will have been an awakening and we will grow toward the light instead of crawling back into the darkness.