So, things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows and learning to navigate that can be challenging. Even though my life is pretty damn good, I still have rough patches where I cannot see or appreciate that. Just like a diabetic forgetting insulin and going into a ketoacidotic crisis, a person on certain medications for mental illness skipping doses can cause a different sort of crisis. One night, when I had run out of my antidepressant/anxiety medication the night before, (my fault) I was increasingly irritable, everything set me off and finally I just went to bed because I was in such a dark place all I wanted to do was cry. As I lay in bed, crying and trying to talk myself out of going and getting a knife and opening a vein – mostly for the sanity of my kids not having a mother or having one who took her own life – I started telling myself “I am nothing, I am nobody, I am trash” and oddly enough, I actually felt better. I just kept chanting it until my crying stopped and I fell asleep. The next few days, even though I started my drugs back again, every time I felt anxious, upset, not good enough, frustrated with whatever situation, I would just say that to myself and I calmed down. But why?
I posted it on a vet mom’s group and asked why that would make me feel better. I got some good answers, and they may all be correct, but this is what they said:
- Maybe it’s because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone that once you step back and acknowledge that you really aren’t that important, it’s almost a relief. Between my kids, my husband, my family, my clients, co-workers, bosses, friends, random social media critics/fans, etc, I try to be all I can be and it sometimes gets me so irritable that they still aren’t happy with me. I think when I can step back and remember that I’m not that important to them, I can take the pressure off of myself for not making them completely happy. Like, if I think about how I go home overwhelmed and upset about an interaction I’ve had with them, then think about how they probably aren’t thinking about me and I haven’t ruined their life, maybe I, too, can forget about it.
- I’m telling myself this to reaffirm the inner demon that tells me I’m not good enough. This one is a little darker and may have some truth to it, but normally when I’m diving headlong into a self sabotaging spiral, I feel worse and worse. Repeating the phrase here, though, made me feel better. Like, tears drying, wrenching gut relaxing, better.
- Maybe I just have too much self importance. I mean, don’t we all a little? Because you’re you and you live from your point of view, that MUST mean you’re meant for something big. You will have a great affect on the world. God wants you for something spectacular! But maybe I am just nobody. I had a friend once tell me that not everyone can be SOMEONE. Sometimes God just needs fillers or pawns or placeholders or just fluff. Which, definitely, at it’s heart is disheartening. But, at some point, maybe it’s a little bit of a relief to know you maybe don’t have THAT much responsibility in the world. Like, I love just working as an employee, especially when I see what my employers have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I’m okay with being nobody, nothing. (Okay, “trash” MAY be taking it too far and feeding my demons)
So, in conclusion: DON’T SKIP YOUR MEDS (check now to make sure you’re not about to run out). And maybe it’s okay to take some pressure off yourself. I know we all feel like we have to be the best at our job, the best looking companion for your spouse, the best and most devoted parent, on top of brushing your dog or cat’s teeth, keeping your house spotless and your kids bathed more than once weekly (who me?), and to ALWAYS treat others with patience and grace. But, one day, our gravesites (if you’ll have one) will be just some words on a stone and no one will know who you are or were (unless you were someone SUPER special) or whether you were nice to that one person that one day when you were exhausted and bitter. Forgive yourself, you’re really not anyone special (and that’s okay).
Very powerful and true. I think that we lose ourselves. Thank you for sharing this!
Love your posts always..the good and the bad…
Emily, God loves you, and he isn’t asking you to do anything more than you’re doing. I have friends who are frustrated because they feel they aren’t doing all they can do for the Lord. They are mostly married women with children. I tell them that God only wants them to be as good a wife and mother as they are able to be, and of course a good employee if they are employed. If he wants you to do anything more, he will not only let you know what he wants you to do, but he will give you the desire to do it. Please stop beating yourself up, and please remember to take your meds! God isn’t the only one who loves you, lots of people do, including those of us who read your blog.
We moved to another state and into a retirement home. New doctors were not easy to find due to the pandemic. I ran out of all my meds. Historically I never was diagnosed with any particular mental illness other than situational depression. After a month without my paroxetine, I was raging, ranting and hopeless. I checked myself into emergency room on suicide watch twice that month. I alienated most of my family and friends on social media. I finally got diagnosis of PTSD, and a refill of my paroxetine prescription. It took some time, but I am back on an even keel. It is shocking how much impact a drug has on one’s mind until it is gone,
I have felt that way many times, even on my meds! I have come to the conclusion that, “it’s ok not to be ok.” Thank you for being real and true, as you usually are! God bless you!
Wonderfull self analisy, dr. Emily. I live your experience with my drugs and I have mine methos to override the effeccts of forgotten doses.
My best wishes dr.Emily
OMG Emily you are special to everyone two or four legs not to mention your kids and Tony. You must most everyone here loves you. A couple give dirt bag responses and I hope you deleted them. FYI I took Zoloft for a number of years and at some point unknown to me they caused me to think suicide 24/7. I didn’t find that out until work asked me to wean myself off and bingo I stopped thinking those thoughts like I flipped a light switch overnight ❤️
I take an antidepressant. It doesn’t make me an expert, but I really don’t understand people who decide to stop taking their meds as prescribed. I get some bipolar persons have real problems with their med making them feel like they are stuck in molasses. But most of us take our meds as prescribed and life is much better.
My three cents…
First… Not everyone is going to cure cancer or land a plane safely on the Hudson River, but we all have the ability to make positive contributions to the world and to the people around us. Sometimes small gestures can mean so much. (I am speaking on behalf of my fellow fluffs and place-fillers. 😉 Joking!)
Second… you have an absolutely BRUTAL occupation! I once asked a friend who is a registered nurse what is was like to regularly see so many people on one of the worst days of their lives… and she just said, “It changes you.”
And finally I thank you for your honestly. These are tough times for a lot of us, made so much worse by continuing levels of isolation. It is helpful to know that someone I really admire is going through some of the same things, and has the strength to share their struggle.
Amen, sister. All of it! Hang in there.
O Dr Emily, how do I. even begin. I’m glad that those phrases made u feel better, but fact is your not those things, but U R U & That’s Enough! I share that rough patch- my brother, yep, brother just died & I’m battling to g at my strength back & move forward & not doing GRT But m maybe that’s enough, maybe that’s ok, 4 now! So Don’t 4get ur meds, they’re imp & know U R not trash but whatever makes you feel better is OK! Ur a Special lady- like it or not & u don’t have to pro v e a thing 3 any1! ❤ ❤ ❤
Oh Emily, I love your purple/pink hair! I think as a Mom, we try to be our family’s “everything”, but we might be a little bit guilty about putting that pressure on ourselves and have only ourselves to blame. I’ve been in that rut for 27 years (that’s how old my son is now). I felt guilty being a single working mom and not being at home with homemade cookies every day when he came home from school. (I had to send him to latch key while I worked until 6pm). Then I read something in a parenting book that said working parents spend more quality time with their kids than non-working parents because working parents try to make more of their time count. (of course there’s always exceptions to this), but I believe that if moms do what they can, whatever they do (or don’t do) will have to do. If it’s enough, then great, if its not, it won’t be the end of the world. Each life touches other lives and if you think you’re not a superstar, you probably are to someone and you don’t realize it and maybe you never will. Your family loves you for who you and I think that’s all that matters!
I’ve always loved Charles de Gaulle’s comment when told that France couldn’t survive without him : “The cemeteries are filled with indispensable men!” We can’t change the world, but if we can change one person’s world for the better that’s pretty awesome.
Dr Emily you are amazing and I look up to you! I’m a critical care nurse who also has anxiety and depression and oh those dark times. Am on lexapro. I appreciate your keeping it real and true and I am also out here struggling at times . I try to make a difference for others but feel like it’s not enough . I trust in God and go forward. My husband and I love our favorite show dr pol!
Lean on your family and your co-workers if you can. At one point, I decided that I didn’t need my meds any more, so I stopped taking them. I asked my family to tell me if they noticed a problem. But I noticed ! When I asked why no one told me, they said they were afraid to say anything! Be sure to enlist help. We can’t always do it all…
You are special and loved by many
I still miss you on Dr. Pol. You were a Rockstar. You always had a big smile, no matter what was going on. ❤️ to you and your family.
Thanks for sharing… I hope it helps someone to hear your message. A friend of my wife’s said to her “It’s it great to know you’re nothing special?” and meant it in the same way. Once you realize it, that the world doesn’t hang on every word or deed, the pressure is off and the focus gone.
OMG you are not alone. I have in the past taken myself off my own meds because I was doing great and thought meh I don’t need them…BIG MISTAKE!!! Within a few weeks I was in my bed, under the covers, constantly shaking and nonstop crying. NEVER again can I do that.
People say “oh you don’t need medications..just cheer up and get some fresh air” Sorry but NO!! It’s a chemical imbalance that fresh air and exercise will not fix.
I love you SO much for being comfortable to let us know about what your daily life is like…the good and the bad 😊
God bless you Emily ❤️🙏🏼
You are super beautiful and super awesome! God loves you🥰 so much. You have saved so many precious beautiful animals and giving them their health back. It is just the dark spirits that are putting those negative thoughts in your head because they are so jealous. Get outside in nature walk barefoot pick flowers and berries hug a tree! We have to love ourselves first before we can love anybody. I’ve been down pretty low but I’ve pulled myself back up with God’s love and Jesus strength and Light. I am so wonderful and so are you and so is all of humanity and God’s creation! God bless you pray Archangel Michael protect you from these dark negative thoughts that are not yours
You are a wonderful, amazing and important person. Your little light shines on so many. Please don’t skip your meds :-).
I love you, Emily….I call people like you old souls. I bet you have always known your beliefs since a child. There are many like you which is comforting. I can recognize them now as children just by observing them for awhile. No one else knows this about me. What is truly great is that there are 3 amongst my great grandchildern [out of 7} I call this a great hope for the future. I’ll be 94 in May. I wish you all could live this long because the benefits are startling. Knowledge is the great gift if you are open to it. I am somebody and so are you….believe it.
Stay positive, you are a beautiful person.
DISCLAIMER: Super long with some background knowledge I apologize for the length in advance!
Emily:
i am so grateful to you for being so open about your mental health and the mistakes we make with our meds and the spiraling feeling you get. You have no idea how your blog hit home. bear with me. My mom was diagnosed very early as “manic depressive”! She has been hospitalized 3 times in my lifetime(i just turned 50)We have all been made very aware of mental illness and it was never taboo EXCEPT to my brothers, (who self medicate because they don’t believe in therapists or psych’s or that they have mental health issues) they see her depression as weakness. My mom is very vocal and always tells us when she is feeling down etc. She always shared and that’s why i tend to worry less about her harming herself! She was told,just recently, that most patients don’t hospitalize themselves 3 times. Most patients make it once maybe. My mom has had a rough last 2 years. 2nd husband of almost 30 years, diagnosed with Parkinson’s AND stage 4 prostate cancer. He had been sober for 25+ years before the diagnosis. The diagnosis changed his sobriety status(he’s not a mean or sloppy drunk at all-as a matter of fact you can hardly tell he drinks,i digress! My mom has had to take over EVERYTHING including all of the house hold maintenance duties, dressing, changing, getting in and out of bed and cars for my step dad AND finances. Which she hated. Their house is falling apart on her(that’s a whole other stressor story for her) and when my step dad passes she will lose half of their fixed income. She will have to live off of her savings and her ss which as we all know aint “crap”! That’s scary for a 74 year old woman, who was told 2 years ago her husband had maybe 6 months to live. THAT was the blessing out of all of this. That and even though his cancer has metasticized to his spine, ribs, pelvis and neck he has ZERO PAIN! The doctors can’t believe he isn’t even prescribed pain meds! Well every 4-6 years i notice my mom will start to get more weepy and hopeless or negative and that usually means it’s time to change meds. 2 weeks ago she had such a horrible panic attack they kept her over night in the ER because she actually had some sort of heart issue (i’m saying this wrong) atrial fibrillation. BUT once admitted the doc immediately realized it’s was an irregular heartbeat but it stemmed from an IMMENSE panic attack and depression. They called in psych and the psych doc was appalled at the lack of attention she was getting from her regular psychiatrist. She hadn’t changed my moms meds in 6 years! He told my mom that he felt her meds stopped working around 2-3 years ago and that he believed that they were actually working against her! He also figured out that the valium she was prescribed for acute attacks probably wouldn’t work either. Within hours she had started a new regimen and given a new acute attack pills for those special moments 😂! My mom couldn’t believe the difference that one pill had on her. Even the doc said it was night and day! He came back the next day and he really wanted to transfer her upstairs to psych for a few days. Just to get over this bad patch. Now at any other time my mom would have stayed but my step dad was already alone for 32 hours at this point . I work 2 jobs and live an hour and a half away but out of all the kids i’m closest! so she checked out with all of her meds and feeling better! I couldn’t have been more appreciative that this doctor didn’t blow her off, say it was a panic attack and send her in her way! He did the research and took his time. and although she did have a fib he understood where it came from and got her the help she needed!
I’m telling this long drawn out story to thank you for sharing with us your struggle. It made me feel like my mom and her illness isn’t “rare” and isn’t something to be ashamed of. You allowed me to write this too long and too much back story to share similar stories to other out there who feel they can’t tell the dirty scary bits and pieces we have on us! You made me feel like i could share and there would be validation and compassion! I’m hoping someone will see this and feel hopeful that i told our story and they may feel not so alone anymore. That we can talk about the true parts of mental illness. Not just the success or putting on happy perfect faces! NO! to show that in mental illness, like any other illNESS, YOU WILL have good days and bad days or good weeks or bad weeks or good hours etc. you i get it!
For anyone reading this who hasn’t fallen asleep to my novel! Mental Illness is HARD and you will know you are not alone. You will know that not everyone is fixed with a pill and their life becomes perfect!
Thank you for sharing! I hope your mother continues to do well!
Thank you for writing about this. I have suffered with depression since 1999 and recently the anxiety has been worse. I had total knee replacement in November 2022 and the anxiety was at it’s highest. Yeah I forgot to take my meds for a few days and I am back on them and feel a little bit better. I was watching a TV show and someone said “I always want to make people happy but it is about time I make myself happy” and this is now what I am working on
Dear Emily, Dear dear Emily don’t just stop those medications they are dangerous and you have to wean yourself off that stuff. One can become suicidal if you just throw those ant-depressants away. I do know a nurse who worked in big Boston hospital she saw COVID-19 cases that were terminal she transferred out of the hospital to a smaller hospital, Nursing home at the time she was relieved and very happy with her boyfriend, her life suddenly turned around for the better. She felt there was no need to continue taking the medications, so she stopped abruptly taking the meds. That was A gigantic mistake, so she committed suicide she put a gun to her head and blew her brains out.
Never ever think for 1 ns that you are useless and worthless, because you were not. Emily who won from the limelight of a television personality, and a good one, your money was great, that’s all gone now., you want from fame to a veterinarian. You went from that to a mother with little kids, a major life-changing event, I guess you are observing the 180° turn in your life.
Sorry for my typo and my grammatical errors.
I just want to say thank you.
Being a good mom, wife and having a great job you have absolutely no reason to feel bad about yourself. But I get it. I have anxiety/depression. It has kept me from a lot of things in life, which doesn’t look to be the case for you (from your posts anyway), so that’s a good thing. I have never taken SSRIs for long because I don’t tolerate them, but I have heard stopping them suddenly is miserable. You have a life a lot of people could only dream of having, but I know that doesn’t make mental health issues better necessarily. It sure is easy giving grace to others but harder to give it to ourselves. You seem like an amazing person and I know you will be fine even in the midst of difficult days!
God doesn’t put those thoughts in your mind, but Satan does. He is looking for openings, and found one in your lowest point.
You work at a level that asks for pressure ALL DAY LONG. Realize you are human, doing the best you can.
That was very enlightening and definitely thought provoking. Thank you so much for those wise words that help us all stay grounded. I sincerely and fiercely pray that the darkness never gets to be more than you can handle! Please reach out to someone before that happens! Take care my sweet and dear friend! ❤️
So true don’t skip your meds…a few months ago I ran out of my blood pressure pills and I thought I would be ok for a few days, I ended up at emergency because my blood pressure ended dangerously high.
Oh you beautiful, sweet girl….my heart just broke for you… That depression can rob you ,of knowing , how much you are loved, and valued ,as a daughter, wife, mother and veterinarian . I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, and I will pray that are surrounded by loving family and friends….and that God will continue to protect you in this sadness.
Thank you SO MUCH for this, it spoke to me. Take care.
Thank you Emily…that was said perfectly. I feel like that very scenario just described me. I skipped my meds for a week and I know I am going to pay for it when my body starts to turn against me. I always think of you as the amazingly smart and kind superhero, so I found some sort of weird comfort in knowing that your human just like the rest of us and have struggles too. In fact it just made you more awesom-ER because you being you found an out of the box way of dealing with it.
I urge you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me. — Romans 15:30
Emily, I know what you mean. Having had a severe burn out and depression myself 23 years ago, wanted to jump of something, getting osteoartritis and couldn’t walk anymore at the time; It was horrifying. Got some medication and an operation and everything was going alright again. Now I am retired and halfway last year my GP asked me if I wanted to try to get rid of that medication, after using it for 14 years. I agreed to try. So I am cutting back since, but it isn’t easy. The withdrawal symptoms aren’t nice. I still have a month to go and shall see if I can hold on without. And if it doesn’t work, I’ll start using them again. It is nothing to be ashamed of.
What I want to say is, keep using medication as long as you need them, don’t forget to take them and you are not less of a human when you do need them. They make you a better one. Hang in there!!
Hello Dr, Emely
Plaese watch this act, maybe its help you
Amanda Mammana | Singer With Speech Impediment Moves The Judges to Tears | AGT 2022
Thank you for your honesty, but please remember you are a child of the Most High God! He loves you very much .
Dr Emily, something’s messed u p, want to comment will be on Twtr but for now, if U see this Know ur ok & Hav flaws like all of us & 4get Trash! ❤
Thanks for sharing that story. As someone who looks to you as a really together person. Doing so much to help the animals you treat and raising three kids, and a husband. I have a very high regard for you Dr Emily. I am a 72 year old stroke survivor thrice divorced with two grown daughters. I am able to live alone and basically take care of myself. I only had aphasia and rote memory loss. I’m grateful to be alive and know someone like you. May Grace be in your life always and peace as well.
There are many voices in your head— you’ve named them: the voice of the mom, the voice of the vet… It’s a round-table of voices that speak when they know they’re needed. The voice that tells you you’re trash also gets a seat at the round-table. Once in a while it stands up and says it’s piece, then it sits down, satisfied, and everybody breathes a sigh of relief.
Many of us have had the very same feelings you expressed here. It sure can be overwhelming when you feel that way. I offer this, and hope and pray it helps you:
Sometimes you just have to ask God to take the wheel for a while. If you ask for his help, he will be there.
Life can be really tough, and we sometimes feel that we have to shoulder every burden on our shoulders like a bag of heavy rocks. Take a few rocks out where you can, find joy in your family, smell the cool morning air, and know that taking care of yourself is so important.
Please know that many times your little stories make my day. Enjoy, your family, enjoy your life to the fullest my friend.
I appreciate you and your pov. Thanks.
I have agoraphobia, it has been part of me for the past 36 years. For the longest time I felt I had to make up for the fact that my husband and son had ‘damaged goods’ in me so I tried harder and tried to be more than I possibly could be. I learned over time that I am enough, I am a sensitive soul, am an example of how you can have a good life with a mental illness and I learned to put myself on the list of people I love and care about.
Please remember that we think with the brain of someone who has a mental illness. When I feel that way I look at those around me and realize they don’t see what I do. So I allow those thoughts to be in my orbit but I pay attention to something else.
Be easy on yourself.
Wonderfully encouraging.
Dr Emily you my sweet girl are important in so many ways to many people and pets of these people and of course your beautiful family . I’m your biggest fan and I love you for being the caring vet that I still watch on Dr Pol shows . Your a strong amazing woman and please know your not alone with depression crap and for having these feelings I’m with you and have those days to. Keep being strong honey sending love and tons of hugs if I was there I’d give you a big hug . Love Maria
GRACIAS POR TUS PALABRAS. ES MUY CIERTO LO QUE DICES. Y TU SI ERES SUPER ESPECIAL PARA MI. I LOVE YOU
Hang in there, Emily! Everything we do is important to God, no matter how big or small. 😉
I love your honesty! So many of us feel this same way and never say it out loud. I also love your hair 🙂
Emily, being a guy, I often check females’ physical looks, before their other traits. The first time I saw you on Dr. Pol’s show, I was
smitten. (Sorry, Tony) You are so beautiful! Being a fan of the show I soon learned of your amazing skills with animals and their owners. I am sorry that you have bouts of self-doubt and depression. The small percentage of troublemakers are not worth your second thought. I think you are a great Christian wife, mom, and employee. Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts. May God’s grace always comfort you.
Dear Dr Emily: I am so sorry that you have been going through a rough patch lately. I think you expect too much of yourself and you give too much of yourself to everyone else. Please try and put yourself first more than you are. I am here for you anytime, even though I do not live nearby, but I am a good listener and please reach out anytime. Hugs.
Dr. Emily,
I wish I could “like” so many of the comments.
I can not relate to your anguish, but I wanted to be a vet myself growing up so many years ago, but it didn’t happen. I know it was for a reason.
Please know that I appreciate veterinarians so much, and that you are very loved by so many people. Thank you for sharing Big Hugs!!
We are all special to someone. We don’t always know our purpose early in life, but as time goes by we learn how to please God and use our gifts to glorify Him. You have an opportunity to touch many people and their pets. You have a good heart and it shows in all the things you say and do.
God Bless You
We live in a world with such obvious and sickening liars(SOTU) mostly in the political spectrum.
Your honesty is so refreshing, I love to read your post. I relate to a lot of what you say, and I appreciate you. Please know you are not alone in your struggles.
I think that is good advice. I just retired in October. How many work friends have called to check up on me? Zero. I’m good with that.
As women and mothers we carry a great load. The mere fact that biology allows us to conceive, carry and give birth is in itself an incredible thing. Our body’s recover over time after we feed and nurture these small creatures. Our minds and hearts are never the same. We keep on hoping what we give will turn out a happy child a balanced person not riddled with the anxiety we feel. Then kindergarten the teachers are certain your child has ADD because they can’t sit still. What’s worse being called I to the principal and a team of teachers, school counselors and others who are there to watch your reaction when you son made the hand gesture of a gun and told the class bully he’s was going to shoot him with his finger so he could meet Jesus and not be a bully anymore. It terrifying to think I missed the clues my 7 year old has displayed. Now he’s going to grow up and do something incredibly awful and it’s to late to save him. And he goes to father you divorced because he was basically a nazi with horrible views and opinions. But some court believes it’s in the best interest of a child to have equal access to both parents. You know you have to do something and reach out to the “co-parent” in hopes they will be as concerned as you. Only to pick him up and hear he played call of duty all weekend. And not only were the concerns not addressed your child tells you all he wants is the 50/50 arrangement back because it’s only right. Terrifying and knowing it is not something he came up with. Saving your child becomes your responsibility and an alone fight. And you realize it’s not 18 years it’s the rest of your life or even worse his. Being a women in this world today is hard. It is a battle . Whether you work and feel so much guilt because you have to or want to you blame yourself for everything that is wrong. The things that are right pale in comparison when you are the one who ultimately taking all responsibility. It’s you that will suffer for a life time for every hurt and every bad choice made by this new life you held in your arms that decides the rest of yours. How do you tell yourself in the mirror your good your adequate you can be happy or at most somehow find peace. Because it’s easier to say your awful, your not worthy, others mistakes are ok when yours are inconceivable. There is and always will be something wrong with you. It’s easier because saying you have given everything is never enough.
When I feel like Emily I find scripture is what is best for me. It takes time and reflection and applying of Gods Word. I have too many days like that but I have no family and very poor health so I really have to cling to Gods promises. I sure hope Emily feels better quick and I will be praying for her. I hope others will too. She must have great responsibility.
It’s possibly a logical cosequence of you trying to be a 5-star vet, a 5-star mother, a 5-star wife, and a 5-star social media person. Maybe it’s simply too much and maybe you expect too much of yourself.
I know, part of it is embedded in your character, but you really should take care. You can only bear so much and it seems that cracks are appearing. Been there, experienced it.
Very best wishes,
Fred
Wow, Dr. Emily. Thank you for sharing your struggle.
I’m neither a mom nor a vet, but I’ve been taking mental health meds for more than 25 years. I hear you.
Know that many people care. Be well.
Dear Dr. Emily,
Therapist here. Everything you’re feeling/thinking/suffering coincides with your anxiety disorder. Everything you are doing to combat those negative feelings makes you a hero. When folks with mental health issues (I have PTSD) experience those issues because we forgot to take a medication, pushed too hard that day or week or month, we punish ourselves for not living up to OUR standards. If you will notice, everything you are is perfect for your job, your family, your clients, your patients. They don’t see a deficit or a broken, battered soul. They see their mother, wife, vet, doctor, who is pulling herself together in an instant to attend to their needs; whatever those needs may be. Your perception is your reality. Please remember that it is not THEIR reality of you. You are enough. You have always been enough. Thank you for being so open and sharing with us, your readers and fans. Whether you realize it or not, you inspire people every day. I wish you grace to quiet your doubts. I wish you well, always. In sisterhood ~ Talia
Thank you so much!! So much truth
I love this, as I too struggle with the same issues, and have to take medication. You put a perfect perspective for those down days when nothing seems to help. One thing you said that jumped out at me was that sometimes we feel like placeholders or fluff, and I thought of the fluff that is used when packing things to ship them, and that actually, even though it’s just fluff, it’s still very important to the product being shipped. No matter what role we have in life, we still are very important to someone. I love you, and your posts!
Hi Emily:
I have been thinking about you and I am truly hoping that you are feeling a bit better about yourself lately. It is sometimes so easy to go down that road and it is even harder to get turned around too. Be strong and know that we are all praying for you and your family.
Emily, I know how you feel. Really. I have bipolar, General Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, and PTSD. What you have are what I like to call affectionately Meltdowns. I also have a cognitive concussive disorder also lovingly called Traumatic Brain Injury. As a result of being hit on the head by my step-grandfather (Ken) with a 4 X 4 6-inch long covered with leather and pin nails and shards of glass. He also hit me with a 10-inch lead pipe. I was hospitalized in 2000 for 2 weeks because my mind collapsed and my Dr. was really worried. I had a great Dr. My husband at the time was an abusive rapist verbal warthog, who only visited me 1 while I was in the hospital. I was living in California then, I’m originally from Ca. and I have family there but I digress, One thing about those with ADHD is it’s hard to follow our conversations because a lot of the time we don’t finish a complete thought, before starting a new one. We are really smart. At least that’s what people tell my mom who knows her after I talk to them. Thanks to Ken hitting me over the head I have a hard time remembering some things, and forget what I’m saying right in the middle of what I’m saying. To get back to my hospitalization my mom came out from Utah. She stayed with my in-laws. She came to see me every day. James my abusive rapist verbally cruel warthog threatened to kill me and make it look like suicide if I told. Well, the Drs. diagnosed me with bipolar, GAD, and PTSD I was diagnosed with ADHD at the U of U when I was 25. I am 53. Up until I was 30 I worked as an Admin Asst. I’m a very spiritual person, I’ve had to be. Growing up bipolar etc. being raped and brutalized and beaten by Ken and he threatened to kill my Mema (grandma) and my parents if I told on him. Heavenly Father helped me from being hurt worse than I already was. In 2006 He introduced me to my future husband 5 years after I moved back from Ca. and 4 years since I was finally
divorced from James and on the right meds. We dated for a year and then got married in the LDS Bountiful Temple. My husband’s name was Douglas Watkins Behunin. Being LDS we believe that families can be together for all of Eternity. And that husbands and wives can be sealed together, then sealed to their children. unless the couple was like Doug and I already married/sealed in the Temple then if Doug and I would have had children they would have been born sealed to us. Sealed is a term that means to come together as a family for time and all eternity. My Doug died on 2-04-22 after 15 years of marriage. He was my Best Friend and Confidant. He died from complications of Ehrlos-Danlos Syndrome. EDS has 13 different types associated with it. Most people who have EDS usually only have 1 or 2, and Doug had 5. He had affected joints, he kept dislocating his knee joints when he was younger. he had to have surgery on his rt knee to stabilize it. It also caused brittle bones. Elasticity in the skin, his skin was really thin, and he would get cuts easily. His heart was the hardest trial was his heart. in 2007 just a few months after we married he told me to take him to the ER because his heart was beating really hard and he couldn’t breathe. So we went to the ER and they ran an EKG. They admitted him and put a stent on one of his arteries going to the heart. I was the only one there waiting until we found out what was wrong. I did a lot of praying that evening. He went through 3 more valve replacements 2 duos and the last single he made it through the surgery but he didn’t last the recovery. On his last night, the Dr. called me and said ” Sarah, Doug’s not going to make it, so if you want to say Good-Bye before we take him off the ECMO machine then hurry” I said”I’m there bye” Heavenly Father made every light between our house and hospital green. When we got to his room they had taken him off his pain meds so he could more coherent. he had his eyes open about 1/2 open when my parents each took their turn to say Good-Bye. Then it was my turn and he opened his eyes 3/4 of the way. he said “I Love You” to each of my parents. More like mouthed it. But, that was good enough for them. They each got to tell him what a wonderful Son-in-law he was. And some other private things that they wouldn’t tell me which I’m glad that they each had a couple of minutes to express how they felt. Gratitude was one of them. Then it was my turn the nurses made sure he was stable. I mean as stable as he could be. Then my parents asked if I wanted them to leave with the nurses. I said “I would like for them to stay, just don’t listen. ” they moved their chairs to the far side of the room, and the nurses double-checked everything, and they finally left. I went up to Doug’s bed he had been resting his eyes for me. So I told him I Loved Him more than life itself. That he gave me breath. I whispered all of this to him. I told him When I felt like ending it all, all I had to do was look at his sweet face and that gave me hope. Because of my abuse earlier on in my life, I was unable to have children and he was okay with that. he touched my arm and mothed me to come closer, so I did he whispered to me “I need your permission to go!”He took as much of a breath as his body would allow him, they just had the canulas in his nose for oxygen. He whispered, “you’re my Sweetie!” I told him he was my Babe and I said ‘go! Babe, you have my permission, I’ll see you in the Celestial Kingdom. I Love You ” I tried to kiss him Goodbye through all the tubes he smiled at me and they removed the ECMO machine and he was gone. my heart at least a part of it went with him. We got there at 10:20 PM MST and he held on until 00:10 AM MST 10 minutes shy of 2 hours since we arrived. I gave him one last kiss before he flatlined. There are so many songs that remind me of our final time together, I’ll make a playlist on Spotify and let you know where it is if you’re interested.
His mom wouldn’t pay for the funeral unless I paid for 1/2. so thanks to my dad and the mgr. we sold our mobile home the day he passed. I had to be out of the home by 2-28-22. I had to let his brothers come over and pick what they want a lot of things had to be trashed. It was so hard, I had to pray about what to put in storage what to throw away about what to leave behind. If it wasn’t for my parents I’d be homeless. They rearranged their lives to fit me back in. I Love my parents. They have always been there for me. Because of my undiagnosed mental issues, I was sometimes hard to live with. Plus I was being abused and blocking it out. Being an only child is a blessing. Because growing up I needed all their Love and affection and attention. That doesn’t mean I was allowed to throw temper tantrums, or I was allowed to get everything I wanted “No” meant “No” and whining only got me a swat on the fanny. When I was older if I wanted something I had to save up 1/2 and they would meet me 1/2. That’s how I got my football and bat. glove, and baseball. I was a tomboy.
Emily, I didn’t write you this comment to make you feel bad, I wrote you to let you know you’re not alone. My mom has to put my meds together weekly. and remind me to take my mid-day pills depending on your health insurance you may qualify for a home health aide to come in once a week to put your meds together for you say on a Monday thru Monday. It’s just a thought. to tell you the truth I admire you for working for Dr. Pol and then staying working as a vet. You have Hutzpah. plus raising a family. Emily has anyone ever told you that you and tony make an awesomely attractive couple? When I watch Dr. Pol on Disney+ I always choose the ones with you and Tony in them I mean I choose the ones with you in them and hope Tony is in them. You two work well together. I know that PVS was an extremely difficult time for you. You hid it well. Don’t think of the bad times think of all of the animals you saved like Winston I think that was his name. I’m sorry if I don’t remember it’s that concussive disorder. The pot-bellied pig with tetanus that you took home for the weekend. And that calf that was twisted in the uterus of the cow when it was really cold and you had a very small area to work in, you untwisted the calf and you were pulling you had nothing to grip on suddenly this door flew open you flew back with the calf and the calf landed right in the snow, you laughed and said something about a jolt but the rest I don’t ‘menber . Then there’s Beanie the horse with choke. He had no teeth he was 30. but she loved him, I can relate, I had two cats brother and a sister they lived to be 19 years old and then one day Doug picked up Snoopy (the brother) and he died and I picked up Spook (the sister) and she died. Both of them looked at us and then closed their eyes we buried them in the flower garden behind our home and we had name plates 2 inches long by 1 inch wide. back to Beanie, he got into the other horse’s feed ( Shame on him ) which caused a choke I know that horses can’t vomit or belch so you have to stick a tube up its nose hopefully to get it down to its stomach you may have to try several times to get to the stomach you are all the while flushing the tube with warm water to clear the passageway. Emily, you are working hard. You cleared the choke and be pleased with yourself. I don’t say proud because when I think of proud I think of arrogant, obnoxious, and bombastic. When I think of pleased I think of strong, intelligent, kind, and honest. Emily, you should be pleased with yourself. Many people hide their depression and GAD and bipolar and other illnesses or some people prefer to call them issues. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. If you want to talk my phone number is 801 674-9675. Please no one else call me. Not that you’d want to.
I know I’ve written a book it’s my feeble attempt to try and make you feel better. Did I succeed? Your acquaintance SarahLynn Behunin
Thanks so much for your comprehensive comment =D. Thank you, you did make me feel better!